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 Post subject: Two cautionary tales ?
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 12:19 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:00 pm
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Hello all.

I haven't talked that much for a few months / years as I shifted my focus on visiting some parts of the world, and, now, work in IT :geek: .

Anyways, I want to share two similar stories that both unfolded this year...

It concerns a friend, and my brother.

Edit : TL:DR
A seven year relationship and a ten year relationship down the drain.
One fast on appearance, the other slowly degrading.
When women endured the men to have what they wanted, they shifted their attitude and became bitchy.


First, my friend.
Knew him for ten years, big womanizer back then, having girlfriend after girlfriend, even as far as cheating on them on the side.
Fast forward three years (so 7 years ago), he finally met "the right one" at a friend's birthday party.
She's shier than the other, less slutty looking, simple behavior.
They talk to each other, he's hitting hard on her for three weeks before she caves in for sex and becoming official girlfriend.
Never cheated on her as she's different and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

As years are passing, she's moving at his place, she works as cashier to earn her money.
Also, now that she's 'the woman of the house' she wants to become 'the wife' (marry him) and 'the mother' (having a child).
They argue sometimes the fact the man's a macho, dirty hunter, farts, burps, whatever, ..., she does all the work in the house (he's a farmer)
He resists the first urge, and to ease the second, they get a dog at first.
More arguments, I think he caves thinking it will calm her
Fast forward last year, they agree to have a child as his situation is increasingly better (and hers is stable).
She completely flipped now, he's good for nothing, completely immature, blah blah.
The little baby girl is born in march.
She's reckless with him. Bad father, should spend more time with them, she's afraid he'll hurt the baby with his caveman manners ...

He couldn't stand so threw her out the house with the child.
She prevents him from seeing her baby except for couple of hours on Saturday every two weeks WITH her presence still claiming he's irresponsible. Needless to say they are discussing 'through advocates' ?...

NOW ... He has a farm, will buy a house, good salaries, a vision for his future and a nice plan.
She, on the other hand ... Asks for 'alimony' from him like 400€, doesn't work anymore, will have chômage (like 800-900 €) or RSA (like 500€), spends her day watching disney movies (SHE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS, ever since he met her she was completely childish, ... bref).

Other point, during their seven years together, they both gained a double size... Like she was 50 kg -> 80 kg, he was 75 kg (rugbyman) -> 140 kg
None could lose weight whilst together, and now she's suddenly losing weight and have almost find her youth body... :roll:

------

Second story, my bro.

Met his woman ten years ago (at a friend's birthday party too ^^), he moved couples of months later in at her place (parent's outside studio in a small town where they know everybody and all their family lives couples of km from there...), start to have plans together.
He's working in construction (electricity background) so he finds jobs easy, is eager to build his own house, to have his family there (like WE had as children before our parents split).

Again, fast forward the years,
She smoked when they met, so she used it as an excuse to have a child as he wanted him to stop... :x
Also, she always went to see a psychiatrist (dunno particularly why, except talk about things she doesn't like probably)

So they get a cat, then the first child five years ago (girl), bad experience for the mother, doesn't look like her, doesn't like her at first...
She stopped smoking, wants to be a good mother, blah blah
When the child is six months, she works for one month or so and then goes to 'depression post natale'
Couple of months later, Bam, pregnant again (A BOYYYY), so two kids in two years span (22 months difference) ... Noice.
Parenthood is difficult as my bro works A LOOOT, even on Saturdays, doesn't take holidays...
She's complaining he doesn't make any efforts with the house, spending time with their children ...
He's apparently making efforts as for one year or two the only complaint was no holidays.
He urges her to work again two years ago now that the children are old enough to go to (pre-)school.
She tries two jobs but quit or is fired between two months each time.
She doesn't want to work, she spend all day at home watching TV, educating their children "that's a job right"...
House is not even clean, doesn't make food for my bro... Starting to get even more bossy.

She made them PACS (little like marriage in France) as it 'simplifies' bureaucracy for the revenues ... He didn't flinch and didn't tell us until years after ^^.

They bought a piece of land half half. He puts money and time on top of his job to build his own fu**ing house on it. (three years ago)

Now the birthdays are there, he build a little log cabin prior to the big house ... Life's good for them... On the surface

Last year they start to really hit the end (long time coming from my pov), even talking at family meetups about their problems, how he's repeating his parents pattern of not trying to make the relationship works (he's thinking of leaving her)... while she makes efforts blah blah...
She smokes again, gained weight, still no job. Yeah that kinds of efforts :)

Fast forward last month, my bro's two-days birthday. Saturday with family (us), Sunday with friends.
Saturday was COOOLD. Everyone trying to be hypocritical like nothing happens, I don't see my bro at all as he prefers playing with all the children and avoids conversations... Not a good day.
On Sunday though, they all get pretty wasted and at 10pm when they go home, my bro wants to watch TV, start touching the remote and hears "Don't watch TV or the kids will want to watch with you and they should go to sleep"... They have a bedroom and good sound isolation ...
He still turn it on, she takes the remote from his hand, turn off. As they are wasted, they push each other apparently, and fight a bit. Step-brother comes in (he lives just upstairs and heard them arguing), they fight with my bro and my bro leaves for his cabin.
Next day removes her right to his bank account, start to plan to 'divorce of PACS', ...

She wants the house ! He doesn't want to sell so we still don't know how it will end. He still has many financial deals with her family, as he helps them for their own houses...
He has the children two weekends per month.

Sorry if that was hard to read.... or very lengthy :'(

I wanted to add my input but I'll pass

_________________
By searching first and posting questions only if you find no answers, everyone will be much happier
No matter HOW smart you think you ARE, there will ALWAYS be somebody who is smarter than you. So never underestimate people.


Fravia+


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 5:34 pm 
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Life is a fucking lottery, if you don't work on your inner shit, you get your direct reflection of what's stored in you - Childhood, some bulshit of your own... Etc


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 7:39 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:51 pm
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Location: Laniakea Supercluster
Every predator is somebody else's prey.
---Lionel Luthor

Predator and prey... evolve together. Thinks.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2018 9:59 pm 
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peregrinus wrote: *
Next time you consider this, consider qualification. Qualification is important, sadly it takes an event like this for people to realise why.
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3652&p=36329#p36325
Quote:
By far, the most consistent and extensive evidence has accumulated for neuroticism, defined as the stable tendency to experience negative emotions. In all of these studies, higher levels of neuroticism in either partner are associated with lower relationship satisfaction cross-sectionally and declining satisfaction and greater risk of dissolution over time. Moreover, personality traits account for people’s tendency to experience similar outcomes across different relationships, strong support for the idea that some traits are associated with less success in relationships regardless of the specific relationship partner. In a compelling demonstration of this effect, the neuroticism of husbands and wives not only predicted their marital outcomes over 45 years later, but this effect swamped the effects of almost all other individual characteristics that they had measured.

Specific childhood experiences have been linked to adult romantic outcomes as well. For example, children whose parents were unhappily married or divorced are at greater risk for growing up to have unhappy relationships themselves. A history of psychopathology and childhood experiences of abuse are also powerfully associated with greater difficulties forming and maintaining relationships in adulthood.

In this literature, parental divorce, for example, has proven to be one of the variables with the highest impact, roughly doubling a child’s risk for relationship difficulties in adulthood. Still, this leaves most of the variance in adult romantic outcomes unexplained. Similarly, as reliable as personality traits have been as predictors of romantic outcomes, a meta-analysis found that, across several longitudinal studies, even neuroticism, the personality trait with the largest effects on relationships, generally accounts for less than 5% of the variance in relationship satisfaction over time. Thus, although the characteristics of individuals matter to their relationships, history is not destiny, and for similar reasons neither is personality.

On one hand, they can probably discern which people are likely to be relatively poor companions in most relationships by assessing stable individual differences like neuroticism and a history of substance abuse. Evidence that some people are better at sustaining intimacy than others, regardless of their partner, is strong and unequivocal.
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/ ... 2Final.pdf
peregrinus wrote: *
Once the 'honeymoon' period is over and they act like themselves (and most men do also) then things change and the spark goes.
This is different with some who have been real all along.

I did have one where it took 5 years to reach this point, however then I realised she had been acting most if not all of the time. This was many years ago and taught me a valuable lesson in itself.

Part of me does and always has utterly disagreed with the idea of men and women getting together for life, for many many years. To women it makes sense, to men it does not, if you are a MAN.

To be a keeper seems almost impossible to me at the moment, given what I know about women and the more I find out the less I think I will ever meet a keeper for me. (see below quote)

I am happy being single, I create my own happiness and joy, I depend on myself.
viewtopic.php?f=2&t=1014#p8777

My father and my grandmother (her mother) say that my mother used to be very different to her modern self, up until marriage.
They married 6 years after they first met but most of the transformation happened 1.5 year after that, when she gave birth to me, according to my father.

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A sane person to an insane society must appear insane.


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