That was spot on and close to home.
Saying fuck it without attachment to the outcome is ironically helping me detach. At first it was about my ex but then I said fuck it to the rest of them and whatever issues I have with women in general. It hurts less now that I'm learning lessons from my past relationships and not lumping them all as one.
They were all very different people, they were all crazy sure but there are many layers and circumstances that set them apart, with me being the common denominator.
-I didn't really know my worth, that's why I settled for less than I deserve.
-There are better women out there, the ones I've been with aren't a good representative of the entire female gender, they're at the shit end of the graph.
-I don't need to live in bitterness and anger about this, yeah the most recent ex is infuriatingly stupid and entitled but that's not my headache anymore. I should be relieved I don't have to deal with that mess, I would have been miserable and a shell of a man at the end of it.
-I definitely know what I don't want, I'm discovering what I want. I want to be alone right now but open to other experiences not relationships but if a connection happens I know enough about myself to not get into it for the sake of getting into it but if it adds some value to my life then I can let it happen. I know what I'm not willing to settle for, if ever a part of me feels like I'd be sacrificing a part of myself I will duck out. In the past 2 relationships part of me always felt like I lost some of my integrity, because I did. I suckered out and didn't finish how I started and that lay the foundation for them to be emotional terrorists. Subconsciously they didn't respect the fact that I faltered and gave them what they wanted.
-For the first time I am detaching from the negativity that's been inside me pretty much my whole life, it's a strange feeling. I feel more hollow and free, clear of mind, I feel better.
-All the shit that was in my head, my bitterness, my unlearned lessons took up the space that I needed to move on. I was looking for that big release, chasing. ironically saying fuck it and not chasing that is bringing about this change.
-My life is actually going pretty well, yet I was making her the most important thing since the relationship ended, the shit I have going on in my life is far more important than that.
-They're worse off without me and I'm better off without them, the ex before her has already aged 10 years even though its only been 3 years since we broke up. The woman that fucked with my head for years has gone full on cuckoo and probably holed up in a drug den somewhere. This ex will never accomplish anything in life and always blame others for her depression, more guys will take pity on her like I did and when that fucks up and she realizes how good she had it with me, she'll flip but as I won't be contacting her ever again, her loss. Even her family's tired of her shit.
-It's ok to forget about her, to not care about her anymore, to drop her completely from my mind. In order to do that though I had to say fuck it to that which I was holding on to and now that it's served its purpose I don't need it anymore.
-I needed to learn from my past to move on from it, with this awareness the emotions and all the crap is fading away.
-The worst of my anger is gone, maybe she tapped into something that was always there.
-It was tough to say fuck it without expecting anything but now the awareness is coming and shit is fading away. I think that came out of an awareness that all the negative stuff inside me no longer has a purpose and I have a lesson to learn form the past. I think I just really had enough.
-I was still looking that perfect girl that would make up for all my experiences in the past when what I really needed to do was figure out what exactly happened in those relationships/connections, from afar and not from an emotionally charged place.
-And lastly, I'm the prize, they really fucked up with a good dude and that's not me being arrogant. I'm building and they will never have access to me or enjoy my success with me, huge loss for them, at the same time though I'd be miserable with them and not getting as far with them as a distraction so they did me a favor.
Thank you guys.