This thread is dedicated to a discussion of parents who put their own needs before the needs of their children. I feel like this discussion has to be had on this forum because I am sure there are many of you who are wrestling with certain demons and you are searching for answers. Little do you know that the root of the problem could be right under your nose.
In fact, nothing is wrong with you and you are not to blame. Your issues could have their origins in your childhood as a result of poor parenting.
First, I am going to discuss my own mother because I believe she is the quintessential narcissist. You know how I know that?
I know it because originally, I was going to make a thread where I asked you guys if you believed she was a narcissist based on a recent email conversation I had with her. The fact that I am still doubtful by now if my mother is a narcissist or not proves to me that she is because I know how damn good she is at hiding it. The fact that I still consider myself to blame for many of my family issues further proves that I grew up in a narcissistic household. I am the best overall person in my immediate family (I mean good-natured, not most competent), yet I still carry such a poor emotional self-image.
The best way to stop all of my momentum when it comes to self-improvement? Go visit mom for a weekend. I literally have to allow myself time to recover after being with her or else: my mind will be foggy, my emotions will be all mixed up, I won't be able to function normally in a social setting, and I will literally have physical aches and/or diarrhea/constipation.
With that introduction out of the way, I'm going to post the recent emails between my mother and I and let you guys decide if I am overreacting or if I am spot on in my diagnosis of my mother.
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So all of this starts with a phone call I get after working 8 hours the other day. We're talking, everything is ok at first, I'm exercising patience, not getting angry etc.
Then, she tells me she thinks I should get a night job to help pay my rent when I ask her if she can send me $200 to help with the first month's rent since I just starting working more hours once Summer started.
I blow up on her, calling her a cunt etc., because I already work from 9-5 and I am a 19 year old who just finished his first year of college studying an engineering discipline. She is a 50 year old alcoholic mother who barely does shit all day and hasn't been employed in 10 years...she is telling me I should be working harder? I simply don't respect that advice, I don't care who you are. Furthermore, my brother, we'll call him the "golden child", always had his rent and everything else paid for. Keep that in mind when my mom starts talking about her "financial troubles".
After she hangs up on me, I text her this:
Me:
Ya fuck you and don't call me back. You expect me to work like a fucking peasant? When I'm pulling A's at the #10 engineering school in the country? Ya fucking right. Have some respect for people who can achieve more than you.
She then sends me an email, playing the victim of course.
Her:
First I want to congratulate you on your first year at UCSB! It makes me so happy that you are working hard, doing well and getting excellent grades! I'm sooooo proud of you!!!
Your verbal abuse is not good for me or anyone else (funny because I don't verbally abuse others). It hurts me, stresses me out, and makes me more sick :- ( (she is sick because she has high blood pressure, undoubtedly due to her alcoholism)
I have alot of respect for you. I'm certain if you continue to do great in school, and stay out of trouble with the law you will achieve much more than me.
Sorry I am unable to help you out as much as you would like finacially.But I will help with what I can. I know I have giving you tons of love, raised you, fed you, tried to teach you best, put a roof over your head. I have done the best I could on my own.
Me:
You said,
"Your verbal abuse is not good for me oranyone else. It hurts me, stresses me out, and makes me more sick.:- ("
I have tried to tell you, since I was probably 10 years old, that your drinking is abusive. You may not think so, but the type of abuse you have exerted on me for YEARS is called NEGLECT or NEGLIGENCE.
The only reason I turn to anger and abusive language to express myself is because I lived in a house for 12 years where abuse was all around me.
No doubt yours and Nathaniel's temper has rubbed off on me. I know you would like me to forget all that has happened in my childhood, but I cannot.
Sure you fulfilled all your basic duties as a mother like feeding me, housing, etc. but it's hard to appreciate that with all the bad memories I have of my family.
Furthermore, you do not listen to me when I am calm or logical. I am naturally a level-headed, logical person and the only reason I turn to anger is because that is the only thing YOU respond to.
There is no doubt in my mind that you would not have sent me this email if I had not texted you those bad things yesterday.
You can't expect me to change when I have asked you to change your ways since I was a small child, yet you have taken no steps to limit your alcohol consumption or be a better, more caring mother.
I love you mom, but frankly, you don't respect me. You have parented me as if I am the same person as you or Nathaniel, when clearly I am completely different from you guys.
Until you SHOW me the respect and love I deserve, I will never respect you.
It's not enough to just say things or tell me to do things. I listen to and respect admirable leaders and true leaders lead by example, not through empty threats and lies.
Her, a couple days later:
You might want to suggest that you have your name on one of the utility bills and another roomate has his name on another and so one. Just so your not responsible for all.
Do you guys notice how she completely disregards my email where I am expressing my feelings, in a rational, straightforward way? She has done this as long as I can remember. It is as if my opinion does not matter, as if the only thoughts and words that count are her own. This is why my anger is awakened in the next couple emails
Me:
I'm not going to read anything you any or listen to any of your advice. You're in complete denial. Do not contact me.
Thanks.
In her mind, something MUST be wrong with ME to say those things to her. This is why she is a narcissist. No ability to look in the mirror because she is so deeply insecure. Just read...
Her:
Wow! Did you get in trouble again? Is that why you missed work on Tuesday? You have a court date of Monday June 30th at 8:30 am department 8 Superior Court, Santa Barbara on 118 east Figueroa street any questions call MARYJANE 805 568 3476
Me: (I triple emailed her back...and to be honest, I gave her what she wanted.)
Pretty soon, I will never talk to you again in my life, and I will be happy.
You narcissistic piece of trash. You have ruined lives in your time on this earth but you are not going to ruin mine. I will not give you that satisfaction. A witch is what you are! A witch with an empty heart.
When you have time, read this website
http://joy2meu.com/Fear_of_Intimacy.html
If you still don't understand then you are a lost cause.
I let my emotions get ahead of me there but it really doesn't matter. Do I feel bad for saying such terrible things to my mother? Yes, all the time. I can't bring myself to not say those things, no matter how hard I try. If I treat her with respect, she treats me like trash.
With my mother, this is how it goes. I can tell that she cares about what HAPPENS to me, as if I am some sort of prized possession or something. I know this because she does worry about me. However, I can also tell that she does not genuinely care about me THE PERSON. She barely knows me, but she thinks she knows everything about me, including what is best for me. She treats me as if I am the same person as my brother, the golden child who rebelled against her, but clearly I am not my brother. My brother and her are alike, I am not like them.
That's enough venting for me, for now. I know this is an issue I will be struggling with for awhile but I am not going to let it bring me down because then I lose and she wins.
The only thing that bugs me now is that I do still need her for some things. That being said, I am becoming more self-sufficient everyday and in a few years I really won't need her at all. The sad part is that, by then, she will need me (she already needs me that's why she worries so much about me. The worrying is her worrying about her own well-being). She will need me, but I have already given her enough chances...it will be too late by then.