Quite a lot of great responses. I will, slightly ashamedly, admit that I waited a couple of minutes to think about how I was going to defend myself, especially by peregrinus' questions (which were all completely on point). Thanks for bringing that stuff up.
Rider, if you wish to ask me anything, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM. I just wanted to make sure you were looking within, and not making mistakes that I have made (always trying to find the answer "out there").
I could potentially dwarf others.
Would that be so bad?
In my case, it was growing up with parents who had emotional baggage that caught on, while also needing to cater to said baggage. The story isn't important, but I felt anxiety anytime dwarfing someone was a remote possibility.
I was looking out for them and holding on to guilt to avoid hurting them.
Really? this just does not feel right to me, on a gut level.. There is something else here, something you are not saying.
I wouldn't say it was my
intention to use guilt as a defense. I was simply afraid of hurting someone who could easily hurt me back tenfold. The threat was there, so it's fear, not really guilt. Guess I wanted to come off as more noble
Shunning away parts of me that could take up their space.
Why? Really, why?
Because that meant replacing them, potentially. It's attachment to others (not just them in general). For which the reason, is survival.
This altruistic reason was motivated by survival. I could be left behind.
Whos survival?
And I strongly doubt it was 'altruistic' - look it up, for example, read a dictionary or see :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altruism
Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving).
How can it be possibly motivated by your survival and not being left behind and also be altruistic? hmm
You are completely right, 'G. I was just looking out for me (I still am, I just didn't want to accept it). There was nothing altruistic about it, just a light I chose to paint it under to make "my demons" seem more complex/harder to crack/harder to accept. Like the deep layers of it being both good and bad, instead of something that's just there (and it's OK for it to be there) made the whole story function. And I didn't want it to stop.
Which all points to this still being an imperfect pit stop on the journey. There is still a whole lot else to uncover and see.
Your whole post is written in past tense -- so are you over this and sharing from the other side?
It certainly feels like it. To be honest, I'm afraid I'm deluding myself, which is sometimes a bit uncomfortable to accept and face. There is still a lot to let go of on my end regarding this question, which I ask myself maybe too often.
If you actually meant to write it present tense, and are currently suffering over it, then it sounds an awful lot like previous posts of yours that seem to come by every couple months. See: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=3748&p=37483#p37483 and viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3659&p=36444#p36444
This was the toughest to look at. I think it is different simply because, while I still feel and am uncovering quite a bit of pain inside, my previous thought process was "Shit I can't and won't accept this, how do I end it", whereas now it's more of "If feel this, there's a reason for it and you should look into it". It's not always perfect, but I try.