Natural Freedom

I went to a pub to watch the game completely by myself. (My friend was supposed to come but didn't).

I ended up doing a lot of self-observation, my mind often drifts that way if I'm left alone. All the waiters were collected to my left side. Honestly can be wrote off as coincidence, I saw a few guys come in and watched the interactions through the corner of my eye. It was a typical interaction.

One of the things that I'm noticing more and more is that I am fixing the big leaks in my mindset. But I pick up these micro movements/thoughts. Where I am pursuing and filling the space, they're so small that I don't think anyone can see them. But I can.

I catch myself and try to figure out the source of it. It feels like a dense lump of emotion that leaking. Like a cup that has a hole punched in the side.

Anyways, I felt a shift in the waiters over time. I wouldn't even really look in their direction. Didn't really care. This one waiter looked at me smiled with her eyes and it was geniune, so I gave her a look that said got it. And left it at that.

Then I decided to try an experiment. I was at the bar so I ordered a drink and then conviently picked a table that I knew she was responsible for. Leaving the door open for her if she wanted it when my drink was gone to talk to me.

Here fishy fishy. . Actually her co-worker and then her other co-worker took the bait and then her. And then a 3rd co-worker gave me this lost look as she walked by kinda looked like she was caught between self-restraint and wanting to rape me haha. It's a really funny combination of facial muscles. They kinda alternated between being nice and distant, keeping in mind that the original group of guys was buying them drinks and all up their ass.

When I was leaving the original girl made a point of touching my arm as she was talking to me when I was leaving. But I didn't bother acting on it. My gut told me it would be incorrect even with indicators of interest.

A couple things

1. Will these little micro give a fuck thoughts be there forever?
2. It's interesting how even when I am having an insecurity episode (lol) women cannot pick it up. Where as before (even in the recent past) they seemed to be able to read me quite well, and now it's quite difficult for them to pick it up.My last gf acted like that too. She said I was impossible to read, but I know I'm very expressive. Which means the more attracted she is the less she pays attention to your actual state and pays more attention to the box she thinks you fit in. Kinda like how guys do that to girls.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

Interesting read Morpheus and an interesting night.
Before you were worried about the 'macro' give a fuck thoughts.

Now they are fading you are left with being able to have more visibility of the micro ones, which at some point you did not notice with all the macro ones in the way.
The process will continue.

Smaller and smaller 'give a fuck thoughts' will come into your awareness as the bigger ones are dealt with and fade away.
It is up to you when you reach a point where you are happy with where you are.

To some level some may always be there, they may just be at a point where they do not bother you or impede on you in any way. It is an ongoing process.

Think of it like sound or something similar.. Before you could not hear the quiet small sounds because of the big 'boooms' that were going off all around you. As you deal with them and they fade, you can hear quieter and quieter sounds. At some point you will have some background noise that does not impeded on your consciousness and is just there. Very much so.
An important realization that will make sense of a lot more if you think about it.


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As you have seen, reducing the background noise in your thoughts and actions allows you to observe more about yourself and your reactions/thoughts. The same is true of observing others, it allows you to see others more clearly.
This together with introspection and observing yourself teaches you not only about yourself also about others. As much as we talk about the differences between us all and the differences between men and women there are a lot of similarities. The more you learn about yourself, if you are paying attention, the more you also learn about others.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Wow, very insightful.

Thanks

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

M you don't even know how much this post has given me:) got similar thing going on, but as usually couldn't verbalize it even to myself

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Laying on the floor in a pool of blood and cum
My demons lay beside as I kiss them one by one
Then on that day I met a force that nothing will compare
I was born the son of evil when I fuck the devil there!

It`s difficult to find words to describe core things.

We all struggle with it.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

Yeah but I get this thing that I know something internally, but can't work with it because I don't know how to name them. Sounds weird but that was always my problem

_________________
Laying on the floor in a pool of blood and cum
My demons lay beside as I kiss them one by one
Then on that day I met a force that nothing will compare
I was born the son of evil when I fuck the devil there!

That`s everyones problem haha

_________________
"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

LOL so one issue less for me haha

_________________
Laying on the floor in a pool of blood and cum
My demons lay beside as I kiss them one by one
Then on that day I met a force that nothing will compare
I was born the son of evil when I fuck the devil there!