Hey guys, it's been awhile, this is a long one so bear with.
Just over a year ago I met someone, we instantly clicked, she had a boyfriend at the time but kept mentioning that she likes mixed race dudes. She opened up to me about intimate details of her life, which she surprised her and even me, considering what she was telling me on the day we met.
I thought this chick is cool, we get along well and we had a crazy lot in common so we started hanging out and working on a project together. I made no attempts to flirt or even hug (she later told me she thought I was gay because of this, until we fucked). Cut to a few months later and she comes to me with her relationship problems, I already had a feeling it was over with her dude, it was only a matter of time.
She asked to come over then asked to spend the night at mine, in my bed. I've been in that situation before and been fronted on so I didn't make a move. The 2nd and 3rd time she did I was more bold and felt comfortable enough to make physical contact but she was being a tease and I was losing my patience so I decided if she did this one more time I'd drop her.
The next day she broke up with her boyfriend, came over then I got her to admit how full of shit she is and we fucked. Over the next few weeks she kept pushing for exclusivity, keeping my ex firmly in mind I relented but eventually gave in, because this time it could be different. She was my kinda weird and I liked her as a friend. We were on/off a few times over the next couple months, the only time we ever argued was the last time I saw her. I gave her my time and energy, not all of it but enough, more than I normally would. It was draining and again I was playing a father figure to a crazy bitch with daddy issues.
She tried to break it off because she felt she was too much of a burden and a mess for me and as I am a focused person heading on my career path she felt she was dragging me down. I was aware of her mental health issues, I suffer from depression and PTSD so I took her in warts and all because we're all human right?
A few days later we met up again, talked things out and got back together. But she kept her bullshit up so I ended it as I had had enough, she said I deserve someone better and was better off alone cuz she was so fucked up, unloaded with all her issues and crocodile tears. At least enough self-awareness to admit that she's a psycho and her issues are not my problem to fix.
Ultimately her cries for help were a cry for attention, she reminded me of myself at her age (she's 10 years younger). I felt like shit for the next few days and also concerned as she had told me she tried to take her own life the last time I saw her, how much truth there is to that is questionable but she was good at manipulating me and taking advantage of my good nature. However, she's not my problem anymore, I don't feel sorry for this bitch.
And now the humbling lessons learned from this experience, some of which were hard to admit to myself because of my ego:
-Like the one before her, I chose to ignore the red flags and give her a chance because we're all human.
-Although it came from a place of insecurity, she was right about being a burden, dragging me down and holding me back. The time I spent with her and the energy I spent on her would have been better spent on myself. I did my best to advise her and help her grow as a person but she was too immature, she always worried she would fuck it up and do something to lose me, her self-fulfilling prophecy ultimately came true.
-Though I had no gut feeling telling me to not go exclusive with her, so I dunno what that's about. With the ex before her my heart was pounding and a voice in the back of my head screaming "NO!"...this time I didn't have it for some reason.
-Reiterating one of the points above, I gave her too much of my time and energy trying to help someone that ultimately didn't want to be helped. Upon reflection she embellished her troubles to make me sympathise with her.
-Kidd warned me about her and told me the first time we broke it off that she was too needy and unstable but something had me going back. I thought I could do it you know, see how I would cope in that situation.
-Kidd also made it clear that a girl needs to earn my exclusivity and a strong connection isn't enough to jump into a relationship, she most definitely didn't earn it. The fact that she jumped from one dude to another that quick should have been a clear sign of her neediness.
-Having only had crazy pussy and no experience of somewhat sane and mentally stable women, my expectations for women are pretty low.
-I didn't finish how I started, I let myself get emotionally invested to see how I would come out the other end and I failed. I experienced fear of loss, you will be fucked proportionally by the amount of fucks you give. The disappointment hurt because I thought she was different (I know, fuck me right?) my expectations did mot match the reality of the situation.
-We had a deep intense connection for the short time we were together, even moreso than with my ex of 2 years but as sensei told me, that's not enough to make her my girlfriend. Upon reflection she didn't add any value to my life, not where it counts, whereas I added to hers. It was an unequal exchange of value.
-I had no tact in addressing her bullshit etc. because I don't sugar coat, she couldn't hack it, she wanted a pity party and I wanted no part of it.
-For the first time I'm not beating myself up about going backwards, I went there to test myself and I failed. For that I have grown and taken stock of what's truly important to me.
-I'm better off without her so the disappointment will pass, I'm learning to observe my emotions and separate myself from them, as Altair mentioned earlier, this is very useful.
-She was a mirror and I saw my younger self in her, maybe that's why I felt the need to help, at the same time I should have recognised where she was in her life and that my advice and support would ultimately fall on deaf ears.
-Ultimately we were not as compatible as we believed, she was poison. In spite of going backwards I'm taking this experience as an opportunity for growth and further developing my mindset. as dark as I feel right now I'm not going into bitterness and I've been using those feelings positively and productively everyday.
-It's her loss, she was always going on about why am I so good to her and why I'm so tolerant of her shortcomings. I was very patient but she was right, she was too fucked up and I could do way better.
This hard lesson is a gift. I now have the space and time to focus entirely on myself. This experience has convinced me 100% that monogamy is not for me.
I'm now doing some long overdue introspection daily, I went backwards and will ensure it never happens again. I was looking at my copy of PIMP last night and saw Icerberg's face on the cover looking at me like 'wtf happened?'.
To the younger guys in the forum, the older you get the more difficult it is to unlearn and relearn, I'm in my 30s and a late bloomer so I have to work much harder to maintain. Appreciate that you're getting all this knowledge and advice at this stage in your life.
Better late than never though.