It's been awhile guys. Literally 4 years since I discovered the PUA scene and probably 3.5 years since first coming across this website. To be fair, I only wholeheartedly embraced this website for the past year. That was the first hardest part, fully embracing this website, this new way of life. Actually, that is the only hard part. However, my acceptance of this new lifestyle has been a process. I thought I had fully embraced it, I would get lazy, and then something else would come up that undeniably pointed to the fact that I hadn't accepted everything. Rinse and repeat.
A common cliche for what I am trying to describe above is "The rabbit hole goes deeper". Once this process is set in motion, there really is no going back. This much I have accepted. I would get over and come to accept some things, but to only accept some things is still lying to yourself wholly. Everything must come to the surface and be accepted before things truly get better. So, to say the least, things have been going slowly for me. That is okay, though. At least they have been going. I'm ready for it all now.
I always knew I grew up in a dysfunctional family, but I kind of just left it at that and didn't really consider what was dysfunctional about my family and what implications this dysfunctionality had on my own childhood development. If you want to get better, you gotta explore where it really hurts, and this is exactly what I have been hiding from since age 10 or so. It feels good though, to finally address these root-problems/demons. I'm coming to grips with them and oddly enough I have a smile on my face as I write this
. But here's the thing, I always knew these issues existed, even when I thought I had moved past them already, though it wasn't a conscious awareness of them, it was A FEELING IN MY GUT.
I knew something wasn't quite right, I just didn't want to admit it. I mean I am good-looking, intelligent, funny, socially-savvy etc. etc. Why should anything be wrong with me? The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter who you are, or what you're like. These types of deeply-ingrained childhood issues effect so many people, and some people are so good at creating defense mechanisms and hiding behind false-selves (like myself), that you would never expect it.
As the cliche goes, one's true self will always come out in the end. So now I'm going to get into some specifics about myself as a sort of therapeutic release, though don't get me wrong, I know my issues are not special. These types of family dynamics seem to be somewhat common nowadays, sadly.
Basically, I was raised by an alcoholic single mother who put her needs before my own. As a child, this showed me that other's needs were more important than my own, what does that mean for me? That means I become a people-pleaser. That means it is normal for me to act in a way that has everyone else in mind besides myself. Healthy? Of course not. This type of behavior sucks, it fosters sucky, insecure, needy people. Everything I do, even if the actions themselves aren't 'bad' or unproductive, every action I make comes from the wrong frame, the wrong mindset.
If I ever was the *most* intelligent, handsome, atheletic I would never be satisfied. I emphasize *most* because that's what I strived to be, a perfectionist. Perfect for others, though, never for myself. That's why I will never be content or happy with this mindset. Also it is an extremely draining mindset to have.
Furthermore, my father wasn't there for me, neither my brother. But how can I blame them, my mother included? Each one of them was raised dysfunctionally, it's such a vicious cycle though. I mean the daddy's girls will marry the people-pleasing heroes like myself, have kids, divorce, and then the kids are doomed. MIRROR if I've ever seen one. I can't blame them, and I'm actually happy not to. It feels so great to know what true acceptance is and this is the first step. I may not have fully accepted myself yet, but at least I've taken the first step in accepting my family members for who they are.
It's crazy though. As I've been uncovering these truths about myself and my family, I have brought them up to my mother. My purpose in doing this is not to change her or convince her, but rather for myself. I never had the ability to be intimate with my mother or anyone in my family really, so I figured I would share this intimate insight so I can get used to being vulnerable and opening up. Anyway, when I bring these truths up, it is surprising the kind of irrational resistance I am met with. I thought I was hiding from something, now I see what 50 years of false living leads to. It is so clear to me now why my mom was how she was all of my childhood. I never understood it, but now it is so crystal clear. I used to feel bad for her, and I still do really, but hey that's life. I'm not gonna get anything out of it feeling bad for all the lost souls out there.
No longer am I going to hide from myself though. I've already taken action to minimize this hiding. I've cut down heavily on social media use by deleting all the apps from my phone and deleting my profiles. I still keep facebook, but I think not having it on my phone will cut down my abuse of it. Before, if i was alone or waiting for something I would always go straight to my phone, no more! I'm going to keep this thread going as a sort of journal for myself and for you guys as I head through this key part of my life. I think I have already done a lot of heavy lifting, undoubtedly I still have a lot of head of me. One thing I am coming to realize and accept is that 'heavy-lifting' never really goes away as long as I am living. I mean if it's not mental heavy-lifting, it's spiritual, or even physical. This is something I never really came to grips with before, I was and probably still am very lazy. I've always wanted the path of least resistance. FUCK THAT, it seems to never be the best way.
One final statement, all of these things, namely negative emotions and spiritual turmoil - they have been a part of who I was, and they are still a part of who I am, but they DO NOT have to be like that. They do not have to be a part of who I will become.
Edit:
I'm going to keep a list of my demons as well as their roots so I am always reminded that they are there. They are issues right now, but they do not always have to be a problem.
Fear of abandonment -- My mother, father, and then brother (whom I looked up to) were all emotionally distant and (my mother and brother) would judge me and make me feel unwanted
Fear of intimacy -- Physical embracing wasn't a norm growing up and opening up was a sign of weakness. My mother, brother and myself seemed to be constantly emotionally abusing each other. Weaknesses were always attacked when things got heated so I was trained not to show them. I always had to be hardskinned. Physical embrace is not so much an issue for me anymore but emotional intimacy is still something I have trouble with.
Neediness -- When my brother and my mom would fight, I would always have to be the rock for one or both of them. This is where my self-value stemmed from: being needed by others. Now I seek out relationships where I am needed and I can be smothering sometimes and come off as needy, when I am just trying to make sure things are 'okay'. Alternatively, I push people away when I feel as though they don't truly need me. Basically, when I crave relationships where I am given space to fill, but hate relationships where the other person is filling the space. I think this comes from my mom smothering me in terms of not allowing me to be independent when I needed to be.