It's been quite a ride, everything here. A week ago, I had an epiphany regarding self-love, and how that relates to swallowing the red pill (once you accept that everybody is in it for themselves and that nobody truly loves you, you see that you are the person who's love you've been seeking all along) and it felt good and I thought it would be a permanent glow.
Congratulations on your progress I see you've come far
nothing is truly permanent, but there are some things that are lasting that is worth the journey, I believe Roark said this that the more indifferent you are the longer the state will last or something to that effect, I forgot actually
but it's something along those lines, I will do a search and find the link and post it here when I get the chance.
But it wasn't. Once again, I spiraled into a dark place of anger and fear. But what that epiphany did help with is give me some sort of motivation to continue on the path of discovery and not avoidance.
And what I found out today is the core issue of everything that's been bothering me - I woke up with some mild anxiety, and after going into that for a little bit and truly feeling it out, I heard a voice say "Please, don't hurt me".
That's what it's always been. Trying to get people to like me. Trying to avoid them hurting me, because my true voice would eventually lead to some sort of pain. And I was very afraid of that.
I never really did want intimate relations with a woman as much as I feared them. Feared them for the eventual anger from their end and attempts to hurt me. Same thing with friendships. Or any social bonds, for that matter.
Under the guise of "self-discovery" and "turning into a cocoon before becoming a butterfly", I've become a recluse. Afraid to interact. Because this feeling of dread was getting closer and closer. And I think I've finally faced it.
So there it is - I was afraid of getting hurt. That's what all my self-improvement was motivated towards - avoiding that pain and hiding myself from people, because showing myself would mean they see me and have an opportunity to hurt me. I've always felt shit-scared with eye contact, even more so lately. 1 on 1 conversations. In groups, at least, I had the option of hiding and feeling angry for them not paying attention to me, but that was just a cover up for the relief of not having attention aimed at me.
But now I know what the anxiety was, how it morphed into anger. Now I accept. And now, I can move on.
I understand you very well on this matter, I actually had came to the same conclusion recently but not of afraid of being hurt but more like I was always living in fear and I made a lot of dumb choices based off this fear. I don't want to thread jack so I will keep it brief and when the availability is better and when I make the progress I want to make I will make another post about it on here, but seriously good for you on this insight keep it up.