If I did that I would have to quote the whole post. This is partly the point though, in that you want me to pick out particular things whereas it's the essence of the behaviour that you need to look at. Something about not seeing the wood for the trees - Is that the right saying?
Agreed. I pulled out that one thing to highlight because it was a good example. But in reality, its your whole tone, your description of the entire interaction belies ego. It feels like your trying to communicate "I'm the shit" to the world all the time.
First problem is that you're
trying to communicate this, rather than embodying it and letting other people come to the conclusion on their own (or not). If your the shit, then your the shit, no need to point it out to anyone. And if you are the shit and someone else doesn't recognize that, oh well. No biggie.
Next level down, what is "the shit" that you are trying to communicate that you are.
Does your ego gain some sort of satisfaction from knowing that you are more pimp tight than other people? That you know things about the world that others don't? Or conversely, does your ego have some sort of aversion to NOT being pimp tight, or NOT being special in some way? What if you weren't special in any way, how would you feel about that?
One more level below that -
what is the I that wants to be the shit? Sit with this one for a bit...
I do get satisfaction from thinking I'm more pimp tight then others. I never thought it was a problem because I just think about it when I'm alone. However, this probably manifests itself in my actions when I'm with other people. I had my suspicions, but it's something that I couldn't confirm until now.
I've always had trouble with 3rd person perspective on myself and my actions because I'm not that bright with visualization or logic. This may be a limiting belief that I have.
Yeah, my ego ain't shit. My ego is what wants to be the shit. That is the core I at least I think. I don't really care about being the shit when I'm in the moment though.
Fuck, I don't know what my insecurities are. I don't feel insecure.
...Because you don't have enough awareness.
How do I tell when my arrogance is coming from a place of inner strength and power?
When you feel strong and powerful.
You're going to have to get in tune with yourself now.
I was thinking about this statement. Even before you posted this response it seemed self-evident that that was the case. I thought about it in relation to being water. Water is hot when it's steam. Water is cold when it's ice. Water is formless in it's liquid. The containers that people place for you, you can fill them up. However, the people don't decide the content of the container. Water at it's best is when people think they can see clear to the bottom of the container, but all they see is their self and the limitations of the container that they tried to put you in because to a certain extent water is invisible and concealing.
And for me, too much arrogance and too much to prove. Trying to control her because you feel controlled. Now that all comes under 'staunchness', but I'll expand a little.
Slim, it was only when I began to see through my own arrogance that I could loosen up and actually have fun. The singular most important thing I've learnt is to not take myself too seriously with all this. Hell, it's not like I have it all down, but nowadays I don't really care if I don't. And this irreverance is what is helping me calibrate.
And the best thing about not taking yourself too seriously? Why, you actually become more fluid. You really need to let go of that tight grip in your core.
Relatedly, in the last five days since I've read this post I've been practicing what you said about being more fluid.
The post where you mentioned being like water is what gave me a basis for some ideas.
I felt strong and powerful last night. I literally creaming my pants while I was talking to this woman that's my friend's PCA. I could tell she liked me. I just started going with the flow. I'm still working out where my mindset went wrong if anything went wrong last night.
It wasn't until I left her and told her to call me later that night so I could come by and scoop her up if she wanted to come back to my room that I started questioning myself. It was like a flood of extraneous thoughts. It was like there were two sides to me. The side that knew what I did had to happen the way it did, and then there was the side of me that was wondering if I fucked it up. My ego seems to take over a lot when I'm alone. I guess my ego thinks it needs to fill space.
Of course my doubts were dismissed when she called me at 2:00am to come and pick her up. We start watching a movie in my room. She gives me resistance about getting comfortable with me. Errrrr basically letting me play with her body while she's watching the movie. After a while she helps me a little bit and then stops.
It's close to 3am so we leave to go see my friend who's talking to some woman. When we get to the spot my friend is already back in his room out of his wheelchair and supposedly in bed with the woman he was talking to.
A question that had been bugging me all night about whether she had asthma or something convinced me to ask her. Of course she does and we take her car back to my room to use my inhaler. When I asked her if she wanted to finish the movie she said in an excited way that she was just about to ask me the same thing. We watch the movie and she's getting more resistant to me playing with her so I let it go and just watch the movie.
After the movie, I'm thinking that I feel like fucking her so I decide that I'm going to bring everything I know in front of her. However, I actually don't present the evidence. I don't know why.
My words exactly, "I think you like me. I don't know how long it's been since you've creased the sheets, but I feel like making a few folds in them with you. I don't know you friends except the one that my friend was talking to, and I don't know her by face. So, it's something we can keep discrete."
Her words exactly after laughing, "It hasn't been that long since I creased the sheets, but I am seeing someone right now. However, you can text me. I don't know when I see your friend again, but I'll see you tomorrow.
I do like you though."
[edit: I forgot to add the bolded and underlined part when I originally wrote the message. I just took it for granted that you guys knew she said that. I free wrote this whole message without editing until the end. I'm surprised I left out that important confirmation of my beliefs.]
Then about 17 minutes after she left I receive this long text message.
"I can tell you were pretty upset when I left, and I'm sorry if you feel I led you on in anyway. But I don't usually grease the sheets as you called it with anyone on the first night, that's not very classy."
My only thought was that I won't text like she told me in person because she was indicating that she wanted space. However, her text message seems to indicate something different so I responded to her today after I ate lunch, did some work, talked to a girl, drank a coffee and smoked two cigarettes.
"Ok. I understand. That didn't stop me from having a fun time. Just make it up to me tonight."
I realize that I'm acknowledging that I was upset about last night, but I don't have a conscience about it. I told her to make it up to me tonight because if she really has a conscience about her actions and she's still down for me then she'll come through like she said when she talked to me in person. Either way, I still think she wants to have have sex.
I'm still working on being more fluid. Oddly, my ego didn't come up with all kinds of ideas after she left. I guess my ego was satisfied, or I put it aside.