It may be a long time coming ... and a long post, don't know it yet, I want to write everything as my mind rambles it.
I can't stop thinking about her ... who is she ? a girl that stayed a week, we spoke 5-6 hours just the two of us between saturday afternoon and sunday afternoon. Then she had to go, like the wind ...
This can hold many insights in it, as everytime I'm bothered at work, I think of our convos, if we'll meet, what if situations to no end ... her past and the lessons in it ... many interesting things that my mind seems to gather and cathegorize slowly ...
I'll start where I can. This post is not about the girl (for those who doubt ...).
So, I ask myself a lot of times during the day, why does my mind come back to her ?
It becomes clearer by the day that I'm selfish, more on that later.
The unraveling of the situation went like this :
She came on monday to work in a bakery, but when she called the director, he told her to get rest and start working on tuesday. Then tuesday the director told her he hired another girl on monday and that he doesn't need her anymore.
So we all give her CV to our directors, and she worked the friday at another girl's place, but apparently they only need for one day a week, so she seeks more.
All weekdays (I work from 7am to 12am, monday to saturday), we don't speak much, we all play cards (with light banter), have fun, ... I start to like her
Until saturday afternoon (after work) when I'm home alone with her and she wanders off in the living room (where I'm at in front of my computer watching breaking bad s04), looking in the fridge, playing with my cousin's cat smiling, glancing, talking to me.
So we start to talk about cats, and other meaningless things, and I feel that she wants to talk to me, and I want to talk to her too without really having much to say.
So for example we'll stop talking, say see you later, and the cat starts acting crazy, or one of us notices something to keep us talking somehow... and just spending time looking each other's eyes or whatever.
Eventually, the next day she starts talking about her past relationships :
- Age 17 she goes with a man of 22, quits college to be with him (big mistake in retrospect she says), starts working to make ends meet, while her bf (during the 7 years of relationship) cheats on her, uses her money, lives off her.
She left him last year (yes for the rain men, she's 25 now
), and two monthes later finds herself another guy (26, 2 years older), and it goes well until, wait for it, HE presses her for marriage while she doesn't want ...
so she leaves him after 7 monthes (3 monthes ago if I recall). Single now.
She shows me countless photos of her trip to corsica with her dad and grandmother, and ends showing me her exes in photos, even connecting to her first boyfriends facebook as she changed his password ( to "Iamanidiot"
).
Funny side note :
As she connected to his fb account, she posted a message on his name like this :
"I feel stupid, I like having more than one woman in my life, using their ressources and not working, ..."
When she showed me this, there was a woman's reply :
"Hey man, long time no see.
You know it's not bad to have more than one woman, as long as they're OPEN minded, I feel for you Andy (let's call him Andy), and if you need a REALLY OPEN minded woman, you know where to find me"
The girl next to me went hysterical as she didn't believe she launched new pussy to him
Back to story.
As she talks, I see her points, but also see things she probably doesn't see, and tell her so to gauge her answer.
Things like :
- MANY MANY pictures of her in the past four years where taken by herself, not smiling, with black eyeliner or whatever makeup ...
but denies to have gone gothic (in my world that means low self esteem, maybe not in yours or hers)
- She lost weight (more than 10 kilos I think), and is insecure about her previous weight (she was alright, even though she's more beautiful now, because that includes her self-esteem too, she's more joyful now, smiles more ...).
She appreciates the compliment.
- What she is now (if she likes herself now, if she has the right weight, if she's less naive ...) she has it coz of her failed previous relationships, so inside herself she shouldn't see them as 'bad'.
THAT I DIDN'T SAY and feel I should have
- She listens to 'zouk' music, and almost half of her songs were women weeping, off their failed previous relationships, or wanting their man back.
She denies when I tell her so.
Anyways.
When she talks, I feel she really talks openly, sincerely, she has great sense of humor.
I can banter with her without a single problem, she doesn't take things personnally (like other people do sometimes), we hit it off nicely. I Really like her by now.
It was surely a moment for me, probably for her too (but I'll see, it doesn't matter that much even though I REALLY WOULD ENJOY SEEING HER AGAIN, a new one in my book).
So, why is all this ultimately selfish ?
She has values, values that correlates with mine (she's a strong woman, who stands for what she thinks is right and will do what needs to be done to have it her way (when she's in her rights, not just randomly).
Her past and the lessons they contain could be of great value to her, to be a better person too.
All in all, I like her because there is "not much work" (psychologically, emotionally) to do on her (I only detected a couple of issues where she could improve herself (in my view of her perspective /// and in my perspective but it doesn't matter much as I can't/don't want to change her), because what I like in her are things that actually allow me to express myself honestly, which I really thrive for. (People with whom I can really be myself without censoring, without watching what comes out my mouth ...).
Plus my gut screams out SEXYYYYYY (even though not the prettiest looking woman, she's one of the sexiest, no doubt on my part, her whole energy, )
That's why I like her, and think of her.
Because with her I felt free. I felt as good with her than I do alone
End ? We'll see
------
Side notes: I renewed contact with lost friends too, and their company is as good as it was before, and I feel really good (meaning myself) with them too.
Also, just to write it down, there is an increase (since I work) on my sexual desire. It's like I could fuck every girl I meet right here and there. (only in rare instances is a woman not appealing to me - really fat or just unattractive to me - without taking in account choosing, social status, age, ..., just animalistic raw desire (I would just use them as cum dumps if I may / substitute to masturbation ...).
BUT, still in my mind there's a spot for a woman to take (at least one, more like 'woman companionship as a natural thing' for me), and that could have been that girl, that still could be her, that can be another one, or noone. Only time will tell.
Back to autopilot learning.
EDIT : Just saw this is my 911 th post. Brings back music to my ears