I was idling on the internet, and read a sentence about the Illuminati. That sent me on this train of thought, which I felt like writing down. Felt manic in a way.
Illuminati is a myth. People who believe are usually angry (truth: I am usually angry and believe. I saw this just before posting and this led me to fix all the upcoming THEY ARE'S/PEOPLE ARE with I AM, I).
I am angry because I don't lead a fulfilling life.
I feel like I am living, hence live, an unfullfilling livfe is because I
feel I am lacking something.
This feeling causes me to feel empty.
I want to fill this hole, because I am afraid of it.
It reminds me of a certain fear of death.
I don't know that there is nothing missing inside.
This leads to more panic and confusion -->more frantic/panicked behavior.
That is also the difference between pure logic/emotions -->emotions arise out of lack,
logic is content to process information (most effective but mainly useful).
That is why trusting yourself and letting go is so difficult.
It could lead to completely abandoning a belief.
Abandoning belief -->lack.
Fear of loss.
The deathening fear of loss is there because you think holding on to a certain way
of looking at the world will make it go away (emptyness). You fear change (because
there has been so much of it).
But the change didn't kill me, it changed me. And I'm glad for those experiences and changes.
They are what have made me...me. All of it. The ones I've abandoned and the ones I have. Some
of those I will probably lose in the future. Shit will change. I could end up hating my best
friend tomorrow.
Part of the reason I feared this kind of negative change is because I was afraid it would be
my fault. That I could have prevented it with different action. So I hesitantly wait,
afraid to take responsibility.
Trusting myself is the start. And the start before trusting myself is knowing, and accepting
what I see. I do the same to other people I trust. So that's where it starts for me.
I'm going to work on my self-esteem now. It's a direction I want to take myself. Nathaniel
Branden seems to have a lot to say on the subject. Things like accepting yourself, being
more present, being purpose driven (I was afraid of that because finding a purpose
could mean losing other things in my life which stand in the way of it). He seems to have a lot
to say on the subject.
Right now it just feels like I'm writing my own story, which is cool.
This is also the reason why I am finally fully committed to have an at least 90 day celibacy challenge (which is basically a no masturbation challenge at this point). Going to resist acting on/committing to urges and be alright having them. It seems like a lesson that I need to learn. Could also teach me something about space when interacting with women, when I'm not compulsively trying and quickly being frustrated at not being able to make them do what I want (I realize that sounds harsh, but it kind of feels like the reason I was so angry at them. Like they as a whole hurt me in some way, because it's some urge that hasn't been met. Like a weird ego thing.)
That's all for now. Hope you guys are doing well and I hope that made at least some sense.