Why am I so bad at it lol
Because your ego rules you...you secretly WANT people to how things make you really feel...you get off on it.
This isn't necesarily the case. I'm TERRIBLE at controlling my emotions. The worst. If I'm happy, it shows. If I'm sad, it shows. I'm an open book. But there's nothing behind it about wanting people to know how I feel. It's actually got nothing to do with how other people perceive me. It's all about me.
I don't want to be restrained. I don't want to live a half life with parts of me hidden away from public view. I hate being in my head trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I want to be free. I want to be open. I want to be real because that's when I feel most alive.
Confusing motivation with action is a common mistake and one that leads to a lot of problems.
Someone can work in a soup kitchen because they love helping homeless people.
Someone can work in a soup kitchen because they love the challenge of working with people on the fringes of society.
Someone can work in a soup kitchen because they want their friends to think they're really charitable.
Someone can work in a soup kitchen because they find it easiest to connect with the people in these places.
Action and motivation are two totally separate things and it's important to separate them to really understand what's going on and how you can work to transform it.
I was out one night and met two guys who were ranked in the top 10 in the world for poker. I was asking them about the poker face thing and they told me the biggest thing that made a difference for them was realising that the cards you get dealt play such a small role in your ability to win a hand that they stopped getting excited when they saw a good hand.
In saying that, you might be smiling because you want to get a reaction out of the people around you. But it's just important to be aware that it's not always the case.
Just my 2c.