Pere - I'm very impressed with your "coaching" skills here man. Really challenging create to take a look for his own good.
If I had fucked up and gotten the wrong idea with the girl and come off like a chump I would have not been able to go back because of embarrassment, if I ran into any of the women I approached during my zan period I would feel shame....if she said no in my mind it would mean she would find me repulsive, this thought comes from an experience I had when I was 12 that laid a solid foundation for my insecurities.
Create, my friend. This is all good stuff. Check out the words I've bolded for you. Your language is littered with negative things you belief about yourself. They aren't true, they are just what you believe. Why do you believe these things about yourself? Where did they come from? I think investigating this, and looking to heal it will do wonderous things for your life. I know from experience and have healed a lot of shame in the past month even. Yes it can be healed that quickly. It takes focus but it can be done.
Who cares what she thinks about you, what do you think about her? Know that she wants you, she wants you fucking badly.
What about what you've done right? One thing is that you came dressed up nice to that restaurant. What you showed me here was also that the reason people like people that dress well, is that it shows (to some degree at least) that they care about themselves, that they care about taking care of themselves. Give yourself some credit. Also give yourself some credit for being will to take a look at all this, to break it down and to ultimately change all of it to have the life of your dreams. Most people don't do that, just by virtue of that you are way ahead of most. This isn't some BS, sunshine up your ass statement I'm making, it's fucking true man. Because I've been finally experiencing the life of my dreams in the last few days all because I've been dedicated, like you, to stop at nothing to get it.
After investigating this mentally I found that it's both fear of sucess and failure; in my mind success is daunting and intimidating because 1) I've never had it and 2) early in my life I had experiences that lead me to believe I don't deserve it, I'm scared of it but if someone pushed themselves overtly in my direction I wouldn't hold them back, this almost happened with my first gf but we were interrupted, a couple weeks after she dumped me she told me we would have had sex if it wasn't for the interruption.
The fact that you've never had sex means nothing to how you feel about yourself. I wish you could see that. I know it's hard to believe, but let me tell you, as someone who has experience with women, but has for too long had a poor self-image in regards to women (but no longer). The fact that I've slept with X amount of women, and that you have slept with none, and that I still felt as you did up until a couple of days ago, all points to the fact that having sex will not make you feel better about yourself in the long run. Case and point, I was scrambling to get laid the last week and bumping into barrier after barrier, coming from a place of scarcity, it felt like I hadn't ever been laid before. I did that to myself, I created that state. Once I was able to let it all go, thanks to Pere and others who made comments on the thread, along with taking fully responsibility of what I've been creating, and seeing my unresourceful beliefs putting in place new beliefs using my now very high awareness. This is an ongoing process moment to moment, and I've been on a hardcore "training" program over the last week for this, but it's all working so well.
So take the pressure off yourself that's at least 1/2 the battle.
The fact that you got interrupted and didn't have sex with your GF at the time, was absolutely not your fault. It seems that either she is blaming you somehow, and you are blaming yourself because of that. No one's at fault, except for her being at fault for blaming you. It's really kind of a bitchy thing to say, and she's not nearly as nice as you probably think she is. I'm gonna defer to David X on this one, that "women are NOT sugar and spice and everything NICE". I'm not saying that in a resentful way, but they are quite adept at turning things over on men, and blaming then. You did nothing wrong.
Inside of me there are turbulent emotions I don't know how to deal with, try as I might to keep a cool head even in situations like today in my job, I have to work to keep this volcano of emotions from erupting.
I've found this to be one of the hardest tricks in the book, but it's true. You'd be better off just feeling the emotions without trying to control them or stuff them down. My guess is the turbulence of which you speak is actually coming from your resistance to these emotions, not the emotions themselves. And I like how you described it as "volcanic" because your repressing of them just stuffs them down, builds up the emotional pressure inside. Emotions just are part of being human, and once you let yourself feel them, without acting on them, and without stuff them down, they simply dissolve until they appear again.
Emotions will come and go, but you'll find it's much easier if you do this. One HUGE BREAKTHROUGH I had in the last two days was to watch my emotional state and when I felt like shit about myself in regards to women. The emotional state is simply a pointer to something that I belief about myself. So I hit a low state, then I say "holy shit, isn't that interesting? What is going on here? What am I doing/thinking/believing to create this?" I then take a look at the thoughts (beliefs) that I had the seconds before the emotion hit. BINGO! The though/belief is crystal clear, so I instantly say to myself "that's bullshit, that's a lie". Then say the belief that I want to be true. BAM. State changes to bliss, one of feeling great about myself, that I'm enough and that women want me. This is what I truly want to feel and manifest.
This really does work, but the key as always, is high-awareness, and being vigilant about watching your emotions/thoughts/beliefs (they really all interconnected, but it's easiest to start with the emotional state I think). And you absolutely don't have to sleep with a women first, so get there if you take a look at how you are creating it. I find it easier to start with the emotion and trace back the belief, because the thoughts run through my head so quick it's hard to catch them, but the emotion is a visceral feeling, and easy to use as a stopping point and to trace it back. This process is of course on going but extremely powerful, and I finally get what many of my teachers have said about this.
Looking forward to seeing you answer the rest of Pere q's.