I have a laundry list of external manifestations that are not desireable. Mostly behavior from others.
Pretty much every single situation I've ever posted for experiences shares a common theme, I moved too soon. I lack patience and feel the need to move on every situation, without even qualifying the girl. I feel the need because painful as it is for me to say I am needy on a fundamental level. So for the external situation there's a flaw in mindset which flows from internal motivation which is driven by interpretation of past experience.
I am alone interpeting it as a negative thing because I seek to turn away from myself. I don't like to look at the skeletons in the closet. We're really all alone all the time anyways we have no choice in it so there's no use fighting reality. I've exhausted all my options I'm gonna have to face the inner demons I've ran from my whole life. It'll probably be the hardest thing I ever do but it's the only thing that's worthwhile.
Everytime I've felt bad in my life, was my own doing. My own low sense of self worth gave people the message that they didn't need to treat me with respect. Your always indirectly telling people how to treat you. My low sense of worth comes from being bullied and pushed around from the time I first started school. It's like when you give people space it creates the image you are higher value and they are lower. I've walked around my entire life with the image I am lower value and need to do something to even the scale
.
Things seem clearer already looking back, less effecting. Even though it's astonishing to see how big of an affect it's had on me, because I refused to face it. In a very real sense the matrix is self created we are our own agents locking all doors holding all the keys. Why should I fight myself?
I want real change from the inside out
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