Thank you Shay, I really appreciate your honesty.
I won't say much more than what I've already shared. I've never liked bragging.
But I feel some of my improvements can be considered as non important for some of you. I don't care of your point of view, what matters to me is mine.
I know how much I've suffered, I know where I've been, drowning in tears considering hopeless loneliness as my reality and future, and I've also not shared that very much with you. Only I know how much I've improved, and I have absolute unwillingness to say something untrue to me, unless it's an affirmation and I could point it anytime.
I've suffered to view women differently from all my male friends since I recall. I've suffered for not having people with whom I could share my feelings without being considered from another planet.
And you know what? It is ALL being worthy. I still would never change my life, my past, my experiences, my personality, my abilities, with any other's one. I know what I saw as deficiencies are in fact my most precious gifts. And I know other people still can see those parts of me as deficiencies. Exactly the people that don't have them, never had them, and therefore have absolutely no idea what they are... what a coincidence. Should I trust those opinions? Or the opinions from people who have lived it, and even are still living it? In fact none, I should always trust me first.
The only thing I have to do is accept it all. It's part of my path. So thank you for your opinion. As you say, I'm going to keep embracing both sides of me, light and dark. I've never stopped doing so.
Sometimes I wish I could put other people who want proof in my own skin. Show them where I was, and what it is like to be me now. Those would never again judge me from what they now see.
Thank you again, Shay. I've grown once again, I always do. And I hope you can see beyond your own mind, you seem to be wanting that too much time, I wish you can have the courage to drop it and let it rejuvenate.
I'm really tired of repeating things you should be aware of. There's no point in trying to make you more aware from pointing to you things you believe, because you don't see the beliefs in you, you don't take ownership of them, you treat them as empty conversation topics.
Maybe I should consider starting all my sentences with "to me", "for me", "what I have", "what I do", "how it works for me", "what it does to me", "what I find"... and a big etc. Letting you know THAT, IS, MY, REALITY. Or just stop trying to help you, and keep taking from you, because I'm learning from you... but it doesn't feel right to not give back...
Morgul I have learned a lot from you and I still do...
I'm not telling you how to feel or what to think. Beleive me I had a lot of shit in my life too, more then you can imagine. I'm sure your life was not easy but beleive me you Do Not want to be in my skin and go through what I went through in my life.
Look, we all have different goals\things that we want. We all have a different personality, different desires and goals.
For you it may be enough to get X success but for me it just isn't.
Just an example: some guys want to be playboys and can't give that up, I don't want that
but I do want more success in this field.
So I appreciate your advise but I'm not going to become you or give up what I want...
Also things and goals change all the time- maybe next month I'll wake up and decide I want to be a monk. Who knows?
But right now I'm going towards what I want Now
and don't try to make me think like you or be you, which is what I feel you are trying to do.
I don't need any salvation and I won't give up what I want just because you think I should...