The past couple days have been insightful.
I can see what I was dealing with, what I was blind to and I'm all the more glad it's over.
That was the darkest I've been in a long time, as Kidd said you will be exponentially fucked by how much you're emotionally invested.
The way things ended with her triggered some other stuff inside that was festering. I took a reactionary position and chose to dwell on the pain until a couple days ago when I said fuck it and had enough, looked in the mirror and said enough is enough.
With that freedom good things have been happening, without the negativity of her in my life I'm enjoying my life more, meeting new people, open to more as I have the space I needed. I think all that stuff was already there and I wasn't open to it, so I couldn't see it.
Since the last time I saw her I've been doing something creative everyday without fail, even in my darkest moments. That's already paying off and it's good for discipline. I was still maximizing my potential when I was with her but due to all the energy I was giving to her, I was slacking.
I was always chasing that big release too but the attachment to it held me back from any sort of release, maybe fucking up this badly needed to kick my ass into gear.
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."