Natural Freedom

Forum for the natural awakening and self-realization of men
It is currently Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:48 am

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 48 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 1:57 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Hey guys, it's been awhile, this is a long one so bear with.


Just over a year ago I met someone, we instantly clicked, she had a boyfriend at the time but kept mentioning that she likes mixed race dudes. She opened up to me about intimate details of her life, which she surprised her and even me, considering what she was telling me on the day we met.

I thought this chick is cool, we get along well and we had a crazy lot in common so we started hanging out and working on a project together. I made no attempts to flirt or even hug (she later told me she thought I was gay because of this, until we fucked). Cut to a few months later and she comes to me with her relationship problems, I already had a feeling it was over with her dude, it was only a matter of time.

She asked to come over then asked to spend the night at mine, in my bed. I've been in that situation before and been fronted on so I didn't make a move. The 2nd and 3rd time she did I was more bold and felt comfortable enough to make physical contact but she was being a tease and I was losing my patience so I decided if she did this one more time I'd drop her.

The next day she broke up with her boyfriend, came over then I got her to admit how full of shit she is and we fucked. Over the next few weeks she kept pushing for exclusivity, keeping my ex firmly in mind I relented but eventually gave in, because this time it could be different. She was my kinda weird and I liked her as a friend. We were on/off a few times over the next couple months, the only time we ever argued was the last time I saw her. I gave her my time and energy, not all of it but enough, more than I normally would. It was draining and again I was playing a father figure to a crazy bitch with daddy issues.

She tried to break it off because she felt she was too much of a burden and a mess for me and as I am a focused person heading on my career path she felt she was dragging me down. I was aware of her mental health issues, I suffer from depression and PTSD so I took her in warts and all because we're all human right?

A few days later we met up again, talked things out and got back together. But she kept her bullshit up so I ended it as I had had enough, she said I deserve someone better and was better off alone cuz she was so fucked up, unloaded with all her issues and crocodile tears. At least enough self-awareness to admit that she's a psycho and her issues are not my problem to fix.

Ultimately her cries for help were a cry for attention, she reminded me of myself at her age (she's 10 years younger). I felt like shit for the next few days and also concerned as she had told me she tried to take her own life the last time I saw her, how much truth there is to that is questionable but she was good at manipulating me and taking advantage of my good nature. However, she's not my problem anymore, I don't feel sorry for this bitch.


And now the humbling lessons learned from this experience, some of which were hard to admit to myself because of my ego:

-Like the one before her, I chose to ignore the red flags and give her a chance because we're all human.

-Although it came from a place of insecurity, she was right about being a burden, dragging me down and holding me back. The time I spent with her and the energy I spent on her would have been better spent on myself. I did my best to advise her and help her grow as a person but she was too immature, she always worried she would fuck it up and do something to lose me, her self-fulfilling prophecy ultimately came true.

-Though I had no gut feeling telling me to not go exclusive with her, so I dunno what that's about. With the ex before her my heart was pounding and a voice in the back of my head screaming "NO!"...this time I didn't have it for some reason.

-Reiterating one of the points above, I gave her too much of my time and energy trying to help someone that ultimately didn't want to be helped. Upon reflection she embellished her troubles to make me sympathise with her.

-Kidd warned me about her and told me the first time we broke it off that she was too needy and unstable but something had me going back. I thought I could do it you know, see how I would cope in that situation.

-Kidd also made it clear that a girl needs to earn my exclusivity and a strong connection isn't enough to jump into a relationship, she most definitely didn't earn it. The fact that she jumped from one dude to another that quick should have been a clear sign of her neediness.

-Having only had crazy pussy and no experience of somewhat sane and mentally stable women, my expectations for women are pretty low.

-I didn't finish how I started, I let myself get emotionally invested to see how I would come out the other end and I failed. I experienced fear of loss, you will be fucked proportionally by the amount of fucks you give. The disappointment hurt because I thought she was different (I know, fuck me right?) my expectations did mot match the reality of the situation.

-We had a deep intense connection for the short time we were together, even moreso than with my ex of 2 years but as sensei told me, that's not enough to make her my girlfriend. Upon reflection she didn't add any value to my life, not where it counts, whereas I added to hers. It was an unequal exchange of value.

-I had no tact in addressing her bullshit etc. because I don't sugar coat, she couldn't hack it, she wanted a pity party and I wanted no part of it.

-For the first time I'm not beating myself up about going backwards, I went there to test myself and I failed. For that I have grown and taken stock of what's truly important to me.

-I'm better off without her so the disappointment will pass, I'm learning to observe my emotions and separate myself from them, as Altair mentioned earlier, this is very useful.

-She was a mirror and I saw my younger self in her, maybe that's why I felt the need to help, at the same time I should have recognised where she was in her life and that my advice and support would ultimately fall on deaf ears.

-Ultimately we were not as compatible as we believed, she was poison. In spite of going backwards I'm taking this experience as an opportunity for growth and further developing my mindset. as dark as I feel right now I'm not going into bitterness and I've been using those feelings positively and productively everyday.

-It's her loss, she was always going on about why am I so good to her and why I'm so tolerant of her shortcomings. I was very patient but she was right, she was too fucked up and I could do way better.

This hard lesson is a gift. I now have the space and time to focus entirely on myself. This experience has convinced me 100% that monogamy is not for me.

I'm now doing some long overdue introspection daily, I went backwards and will ensure it never happens again. I was looking at my copy of PIMP last night and saw Icerberg's face on the cover looking at me like 'wtf happened?'. :|

To the younger guys in the forum, the older you get the more difficult it is to unlearn and relearn, I'm in my 30s and a late bloomer so I have to work much harder to maintain. Appreciate that you're getting all this knowledge and advice at this stage in your life.

Better late than never though.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:25 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 02, 2010 6:49 am
Posts: 5065
Look on the bright side...at least she's not pregnant with your child. 8-)

Oh...and:

"I experienced fear of loss, you will be fucked EXPONENTIALLY by the amount of fucks you give."

FIX'D :mrgreen:

_________________
EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING. :ugeek:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:28 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
The Kidd!! wrote:
"I experienced fear of loss, you will be fucked EXPONENTIALLY by the amount of fucks you give."


Image

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 5:33 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Up until that point I still believed in the possibility of something good, not Disney fantasy but like a relatively sane chick.

This experience has taught me to lower my expectations to zero, never under any circumstances give a woman the benefit of the doubt and to cut my ties with them when they bring up the prospect of a relationship.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 5:49 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 02, 2010 6:49 am
Posts: 5065
Cutting ties for that is a little extreme...just stand your ground. :ugeek:

Either she will reject your terms and leave (in which case she cuts the ties FOR you), or she will stay and play...at her own risk of course. :geek:

As long as you stay consistent and congruent...and finish how you start you'll be fine. 8-)

_________________
EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING. :ugeek:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 6:08 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:51 pm
Posts: 1607
Location: Laniakea Supercluster
MaximBady Expectations :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMXyI63POT4

_________________
Nothing in common


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 7:15 pm 
Offline

Joined: Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:54 am
Posts: 411
Location: Levelling up.
Alchemist wrote:
This experience has taught me to lower my expectations to zero, never under any circumstances give a woman the benefit of the doubt and to cut my ties with them when they bring up the prospect of a relationship.


Seems pretty staunch, but each to their own.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 8:47 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:35 pm
Posts: 747
Alchemist wrote:

This experience has taught me to lower my expectations to zero, never under any circumstances give a woman the benefit of the doubt and to cut my ties with them when they bring up the prospect of a relationship.


Seems like a way to avoid having a woman cut ties with you somewhere down the line. Kidd's position seems reasonable and in line with what is preached here.

Great post, and really great to see you using this productively and not beating yourself up over it. Take the darkness and use it as fuel for growth, all that can be done.

Quote:
For that I have grown and taken stock of what's truly important to me.


What is that, if you don't mind me asking?

_________________
Take it easy, man. But take it.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 2:23 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Leo wrote:
Seems pretty staunch, but each to their own.


These experiences always leave a sour taste in my mouth.

The Kidd!! wrote:
Cutting ties for that is a little extreme...just stand your ground. :ugeek:

Either she will reject your terms and leave (in which case she cuts the ties FOR you), or she will stay and play...at her own risk of course. :geek:

As long as you stay consistent and congruent...and finish how you start you'll be fine. 8-)


I'll keep this firmly in mind.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Last edited by Alchemist on Sun Dec 11, 2016 2:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 2:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Aragorn wrote:
What is that, if you don't mind me asking?


Focusing entirely on my self development and career.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 10:50 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Had a good chat with Kidd last night.

Besides her being a total psycho, ultimately it came down to me giving her what she wants and putting her wants before mine. A relationship didn't contribute anything to my life, just gave me more shit to worry about when I've got shit to do.

Seeing this relationship from an observer's perspective, I was the one doing all the work, carrying her burdens and putting things off for her. When she said she was a burden and asking me why I'm so good to her I always jokingly told her she was right but I knew it was the truth, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. She constantly praised me and I was humble but I knew she wasn't even close to being on my level and she knew that too, her insecurities had a strong foundation in reality.

For however good I perceived the relationship to be, it wasn't. I was good for her but she wasn't good for me. She was dragging me down and holding me back, distracting me from my goals and with no intention of advancing herself or growing as a person, in terms of life goals she didn't have much going on, the next dude is in for a major headache. :lol:

That's one part, the intellectual realisation, the emotional stuff is much easier to deal with than with my ex before her. Letting those feelings go through me rather than resisting them is liberating. As I let them go through me I can analyse them and move on, this is a challenge as I'm used to ignoring them and eventually they come back to bite me in the ass later on, as flow83 said in an earlier post.

I felt like shit for a couple days and then I decided to do something different this time; rather than stay bitter, to take this experience as an opportunity to learn and grow my mindset, which will also allow me to move on quick as there's no growth in hanging onto bitterness. Seeing her meltdown made me look inwards and see how far I've come and what seeds I plant in my mind for my future self. The older I get the more important that is for me, I wasted my youth filling my head with bullshit and I'm working hard to unlearn all that.

On the flipside, if I hadn't gone for this relationship I wouldn't have the lessons and growth I'm having now, I can actually see that and that's huge for me.

So in the end, I'll be fine.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 4:05 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:41 pm
Posts: 1685
Alchemist wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
What is that, if you don't mind me asking?


Focusing entirely on my self development and career.


You don't always have to have a perfect balance, but not allocating any time to play or anything isn't healthy. Just a thought.

Also, you handled the situation pretty well for having an admitted weakness there. How many guys would just let the situation continue on? I think lots of guys. For some reason, guys have a lot bigger balls when they're dealing with some 250 pound ogre than a scrawny 110 woman where like 20% of her body weight is her heads, tits, and ass (all fat by the way...usually).

Also, make your terms/contract clear as the night is dark and you'll be fine. You just have to stay firm when they come around trying to change it up.

_________________
"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 7:51 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Slim Titan wrote:
Also, make your terms/contract clear as the night is dark and you'll be fine. You just have to stay firm when they come around trying to change it up.


Image

Yes, sticking to my guns is a huge thing here, also not staying bitter and shedding my ego, as much of a challenge as it is I feel better in myself, it's nuts.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 10:14 pm 
Offline

Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 8:04 am
Posts: 877
Location: USA
Good stuff; greater awareness & insight.

Experience is a great teacher.

Why do you think you attract these unstable women into your life?

edit: http://naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=4219


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 15, 2016 5:49 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
TheDude wrote:
Why do you think you attract these unstable women into your life?


I honestly don't know, why is it only the broken ones that choose me?

Maybe my brokenness draws them in, they feel like they have to 'save' me and be 'different from the others' but they always turn out to be the same if not worse.

They put up a front and keep it up in fear that they will lose me, ironically it's their inconsistency and insecurity that ultimately fucks it up.

Like Kidd told me, all a relationship does is give me more bullshit to worry about, shit I don't need in my life.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 1:57 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:41 pm
Posts: 1685
haha, yeah my phrasing there was a little weird. You got my drift though. ;)

Have you ever considered that it's not "you" attracting low quality women? It might be that you're turning down better women in favor of those that aren't as stable.

It is easy to think a diamond is a crystal under the night sky and throwaway gems only to find after a night of tossing that you tossed everything but one last scraggly cracked gem. Just a thought. I'm only saying it because you've admittedly had a bitter perspective for a long time. I've had that perspective too for a while.

_________________
"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 2:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 8:04 am
Posts: 877
Location: USA
There's definitely a reason why it's happening. Anyways, you came away with a new experience, shared it with us and you hopefully learned a few things...that's a WIN! :geek:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 6:02 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:51 pm
Posts: 1607
Location: Laniakea Supercluster
TheDude wrote:

Why do you think you attract these unstable women into your life?

edit: http://naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=31&t=4219


ii) Cognitive Bias, Dunning-Kruger Effect (?)

When you have virtues, you unconsciously assume that other people
have them as well. Virtues may also act as beacons for people who
want to take an advantage of those virtues. Just be aware of this, too.

_________________
Nothing in common


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 10:43 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2010 9:14 am
Posts: 1852
Slim Titan wrote:
Have you ever considered that it's not "you" attracting low quality women? It might be that you're turning down better women in favor of those that aren't as stable.


'Better' women have never shown interest though, it's always the crazy ones that are bold enough to show interest and make a move. The past couple exes have told me they made a move because they knew I wouldn't have done anything. They want it bad enough, the better ones don't.

Maybe because it's all I've ever had, it's all I expect.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 5:43 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 11:41 pm
Posts: 1685
You can make a move yourself too. You don't have to "wait". Just stack evidence and look for signs then approach. The better ones will front more but they'll breakdown eventually.

Maybe you should research the keyword "proactive" on the forum. There are a couple threads laying around especially one that Grinus posted about different approaches women make.

_________________
"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 48 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group