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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 7:57 am 
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Hi,
I hope what I'm writing here is in the correct section of the forum.

I just wanted to know if somebody here has experience with an abusive parent and how did you dealt the situation.

Hoping in your answers,
Greetings!
PimpDee.

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If you're a woman that has trouble with men, or a man that has trouble with women, it's not the men or the women that are the problem, it's you. - Jordan Peterson


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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 6:11 pm 
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Once i get the resources i plan on getting as far away from my parents as possible. For dealing with them i feel like the answer is innerwork viewtopic.php?f=29&t=1364
Some other things that helped me are going out more, limiting your contact with them, muay thai, bjj and weights, massages and art, dance and music.


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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 9:05 pm 
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(based on my experience)

Use it as an opportunity to observe your reactions and the place they come from. You'll be able to find the core issue (unresolved need for acceptance/love/affection/whatever they didn't give you) and see how it spreads into other aspects of your life. And once you see how you constantly bring that shit into the present, you'll forgive them a great deal...you've been hurting yourself far more than they have ever hurt you.

Definitely don't try changing them :lol: Ain't gonna happen

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PostPosted: Tue May 03, 2016 9:30 pm 
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On your terms or not at all

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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 1:07 pm 
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Jared wrote:
On your terms or not at all
what do you mean?

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If you're a woman that has trouble with men, or a man that has trouble with women, it's not the men or the women that are the problem, it's you. - Jordan Peterson


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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 1:26 pm 
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PimpDee wrote:
Jared wrote:
On your terms or not at all
what do you mean?


Behave the way you really are, even if it ends a relationship.

Quote:
"for this is the hardest of all; to close an open hand out of love." ---Nietzsche

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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 2:02 pm 
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Honestly express yourself

How others respond is not your issue, it is theirs

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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 6:12 pm 
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'Honestly express yourself' - people often take advice like this as excuse to project their insecurities.

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PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2016 6:34 pm 
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Pindar wrote:
'Honestly express yourself' - people often take advice like this as excuse to project their insecurities.


If you don't subscribe to honestly expressing yourself,
then you probably don't do it.

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PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2016 2:57 pm 
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Jared wrote:
Pindar wrote:
'Honestly express yourself' - people often take advice like this as excuse to project their insecurities.


If you don't subscribe to honestly expressing yourself,
then you probably don't do it.


We are what we repeatedly do.

IF you spend your time expressing unhealthy mindsets, then you spend your time reinforcing unhealthy mindsets.
IF you subscribe to it, then you probably do it.

Whatever the issue, the most important thing is the mindset. Though, much depends on the nature and severity of the abuse. If the abuse is not too severe or life threatening, then I recommend working on withdrawing the ego from the situation. Much can be attained through observation without ego investment, similar to the sorts of things I saw regarding women when I first came across this site.

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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 3:52 pm 
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Aragorn wrote:
(based on my experience)

Use it as an opportunity to observe your reactions and the place they come from. You'll be able to find the core issue (unresolved need for acceptance/love/affection/whatever they didn't give you) and see how it spreads into other aspects of your life. And once you see how you constantly bring that shit into the present, you'll forgive them a great deal...you've been hurting yourself far more than they have ever hurt you.

Definitely don't try changing them :lol: Ain't gonna happen

Let me put this..., I`m raised in a catholic family (so usually the mother educates the kids). My father is a nevrotic parent that has a paternalistic personality, he is a self made man (a mcgyver kinda guy) (when I mean that is: he likes control and to do things in his way, so if you dont, there are quarrels, insults...He is manipulative because he can twist words, facts, phrases from the real meaning for having right and/or exagerrating to evoke sense of guilt, of shame. I think he likes to feel important. No doubt about it that he was a bad boy at my age and a womanizer even if he was raised by a single mother and by the street.
He is a cool guy when you talk to, funny, he likes to joke and tease. He`s kind when it comes to things that interests him.
My mother (who really raised me because my father was most of the days outside for work and come home bitter, stressed, tired) is very kind, serious, very nice and very empathic at work (she`s a nurse and because of her attitude every patient likes her) and outside the house. Inside she is not nice, she is bitchy to my father, she`s like a child. She uses every manipulative tactic to "steal the ball" from my father using nagging, crying, shaming, guilt, insults, anxiety...and she fails and plays the victim. My father first tease her than if is too much BS get respect from her, like David X used to say about getting respect, by fear.
At the end there is me, between two fires, since childhood. Has happened many times that If I pleased one of them the other one complained about it and viceversa (stupid shit that happend in my childhood: "took the jacket" says one, the other one says the opposite). On one side, I stood up against him when he uses his tactics, insults to put me down or to defend my mother (what a nice guy I am, I get mad very fast like him, I think is something I learnt from him) I go in defensive mode…sometimes I feel guilty about it.
On the other side I feel being manipulated by my mother too, I see the game that women play ("look you see how he is evil, its good that you are not like him, once he did that/this, he is father-master") because she knows what button to press to start the drama...and it something that I forget.

I could day easily that this brings unsadisfaction in the present, unsuitability, fears and problems when it comes with women (because nice guy are easily manipulated)

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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 5:11 pm 
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The basic control mechanism of mind control is that
who you are is not enough.


Let go if you will of "if (x) then (y)" as a reality in your inner world.

When you let go of self-credit, you also abolish self-condemnation.

The other person is using guilt because s/he knows s/he is not
in control.

These value systems come from us trying to fill a void within our being.
(adopting a belief that would supposedly fill the void:
IF I just could get this, THEN I'll be happy)

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=4345&p=42902#p42902

Quote:
"Until you know who you are, and really what you are,
you are out of control, and you're hurtable, and manipulatable,
and that's just a fact."
----J.Marshalla

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PostPosted: Fri May 06, 2016 9:20 pm 
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PimpDee wrote:
Aragorn wrote:
(based on my experience)

Use it as an opportunity to observe your reactions and the place they come from. You'll be able to find the core issue (unresolved need for acceptance/love/affection/whatever they didn't give you) and see how it spreads into other aspects of your life. And once you see how you constantly bring that shit into the present, you'll forgive them a great deal...you've been hurting yourself far more than they have ever hurt you.

Definitely don't try changing them :lol: Ain't gonna happen

Let me put this..., I`m raised in a catholic family (so usually the mother educates the kids). My father is a nevrotic parent that has a paternalistic personality, he is a self made man (a mcgyver kinda guy) (when I mean that is: he likes control and to do things in his way, so if you dont, there are quarrels, insults...He is manipulative because he can twist words, facts, phrases from the real meaning for having right and/or exagerrating to evoke sense of guilt, of shame. I think he likes to feel important. No doubt about it that he was a bad boy at my age and a womanizer even if he was raised by a single mother and by the street.
He is a cool guy when you talk to, funny, he likes to joke and tease. He`s kind when it comes to things that interests him.
My mother (who really raised me because my father was most of the days outside for work and come home bitter, stressed, tired) is very kind, serious, very nice and very empathic at work (she`s a nurse and because of her attitude every patient likes her) and outside the house. Inside she is not nice, she is bitchy to my father, she`s like a child. She uses every manipulative tactic to "steal the ball" from my father using nagging, crying, shaming, guilt, insults, anxiety...and she fails and plays the victim. My father first tease her than if is too much BS get respect from her, like David X used to say about getting respect, by fear.
At the end there is me, between two fires, since childhood. Has happened many times that If I pleased one of them the other one complained about it and viceversa (stupid shit that happend in my childhood: "took the jacket" says one, the other one says the opposite). On one side, I stood up against him when he uses his tactics, insults to put me down or to defend my mother (what a nice guy I am, I get mad very fast like him, I think is something I learnt from him) I go in defensive mode…sometimes I feel guilty about it.
On the other side I feel being manipulated by my mother too, I see the game that women play ("look you see how he is evil, its good that you are not like him, once he did that/this, he is father-master") because she knows what button to press to start the drama...and it something that I forget.

I could day easily that this brings unsadisfaction in the present, unsuitability, fears and problems when it comes with women (because nice guy are easily manipulated)



Observe, learn the game and watch the moves being played. They are playing the same game, with the same aims, that every couple play.

Turn this into a gift and play it better.

P.s I have had (still do but don't live there anymore) an abusive parent who is severely mentally ill. I highly recommend not getting caught up in their drama.

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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PostPosted: Sun May 08, 2016 8:27 am 
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Fantastic post Jared. Not much more to add, and I'd recommend meditating on what Jared just posted Pimp Dee.

Alright I'll add something :lol: What you need to realize is that the negative emotions you're feeling (hurt, sadness, anger, etc.) come from a place of you seeking validation from your parents. It's something every single person has in them in some capacity, I think. I've come a long way in seeking approval from my folks, but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't feel good to do something that makes them proud/happy, even if that isn't the intention behind my action. Obviously, I'm conscious of this and observing it makes it another inner process doing it's thing (i.e. not "me"), but it's there and most likely will be for the foreseeable future.

So you try to figure out why this is happening, why they don't give you the love and acceptance and approval you feel you deserve in an effort to reconcile things in your mind and basically get rid of the guilt you're feeling for your parents not loving you enough ("if I could just find out another reason as to why they're abusive, I'll see that it wasn't my problem all along"). It creates this complex web of a story that always has more and more strands to it the deeper you go.

But the thing is that in seeking an explanation for their behavior, you're coming from a place of it being your fault. You don't go looking for answers if you don't feel the need to find any. To me, making stories like this always had a backdrop of trying to cover up my guilt, instead of dealing with it directly.

So use your interactions with them as a way to see how you judge YOURSELF when you are around them. How they treat you is really insignificant at this point, except for noticing similar patterns of self-judgement and self-abuse that you picked up from how they treated you.

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PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2016 2:01 pm 
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Thank you again for your precious answers.

Even with women, sometimes I feel that she`s too much for me (because she is fashion and I dont and I dont care) like if I am the right guy for her...
Sometimes instead what really get me bitter and I get mad is this pattern (that is happening a lot with me): let`s say today I just talk with a girl and I think she likes me (because of her body language) or she is cold, tomorrow instead she can walk next to me or could sit close to me, couple of meters from me, look in my eyes once, look away and ignore me, like I am a made of glass, invisible...
So as I said I get inside mad and I react, doing the same she did to me, ignoring her too and then days, weeks, months later I catch her staring at me, trying to hear what I am saying if I am with someone, positioning herself if she is with a girl friend/boyfriend so she can have a better vision of me, passing close to me while ignoring me but caressing her hairs so I see her, ect...(some of these females acted like this with me for years, the one I said in one topic even for a decade) and in my mind is "revenge/I liked you but you were bitchy to me/you are an asshole/you are an idiot").

For what I logically understood from your answers the main problem is "seeking approval/validation".
If I do (x) then (y) I will be happy, I will be serene, peaceful...

Now I have two questions:

A)So knowing who you are what it means?

B)But letting go this mechanism does it lead to justifying not action? (Example you failed in achiving (x), lets say girls and then you stop to talk to them)

C)So when you get mad , sad, hurt about someone trigger you with insults, you are under his control? Because you are reacting instead of acting?

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If you're a woman that has trouble with men, or a man that has trouble with women, it's not the men or the women that are the problem, it's you. - Jordan Peterson


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PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2016 7:26 pm 
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PimpDee wrote:

Now I have two questions:

A)So knowing who you are what it means?

B)But letting go this mechanism does it lead to justifying not action? (Example you failed in achiving (x), lets say girls and then you stop to talk to them)

C)So when you get mad , sad, hurt about someone trigger you with insults, you are under his control? Because you are reacting instead of acting?


A) (i) You are everything that has ever happened to you,
whether you have made peace with it or not
(ii) Spiritually speaking: you are infinite potential, what is infinite, cannot be
hurt and doesn't need to avenge trauma, and doesn't need favorable reports
in order to function: you're coming from your true self.
How much you actually max your potential is up to you.

B) We must be able to take or leave people before we can take them beneficially

C) Reacting is a habit, to respond, you have to think.

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PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2016 6:35 am 
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You feel hurt because you think (in the case of the girl ignoring you) that she's doing it to hurt you (show you she's unattached or whatever you think is going on), and not to benefit herself (e.g. having more awareness available for options that benefit her as she deems fit).

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PostPosted: Wed May 11, 2016 9:17 am 
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Aragorn wrote:
You feel hurt because you think (in the case of the girl ignoring you) that she's doing it to hurt you (show you she's unattached or whatever you think is going on), and not to benefit herself (e.g. having more awareness available for options that benefit her as she deems fit).

I know the difference between being rejected vs a woman who play games but is not interested (flirts too much, compliments too much, she talks to you because at the end she needs something then you ask to go out for a cup of tea or cofee and she flakes... :lol: ) vs a woman who is interested (maybe shy, maybe direct because she approached you "hi my name is Y", one compliment, she ask you questions, ect...).
Probably it's because I think she is playing games (she ignores me, she acts like I'm a glass and I catch her couple of times glaze at me but she is jocking like the examples I wrote before) and I would never do what she did to me.

You guys you have right, it's not them. It's an ego thing. I should thank them doing that, so i do not waist time with them.

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If you're a woman that has trouble with men, or a man that has trouble with women, it's not the men or the women that are the problem, it's you. - Jordan Peterson


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 2:28 am 
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My biological father was abusive towards me, luckily for me, circumstances made it so we don't live in the same country and I haven't seen him in over a decade.

Even though he's a total prick, I've opened a door of communication for us again, at best I think we'd have a civil discussion but it's far too late to develop a relationship. He's the reason for alot of my issues but I realized at some point that I'm an adult and I can't take back what happened.

Even if he took accountability for his shitty parenting it wouldn't fix me internally, that's my job to do alone. It sure as hell wouldn't give me closure, which does not exist.

Part of growing up and getting stronger is moving forward, not giving the people that hurt you a pass but accepting what happened and not letting it distract you from what really matters.

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