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 Post subject: Pushups
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 9:50 pm 
I've been using a journal for just shy of a month to keep track of my thoughts. I write down the things that bother me and the things that I enjoy.

Lately, I had been stuck at an impasse and couldn't go any deeper. I really needed to get out of the house. I went to the bar to have a few drinks. Since I was stuck at tapping my subconscious in private I decided to try a harder venue.

I didn't go out for the purpose of meeting a woman. I went out for the purpose of getting some fresh scenery and training myself in a harder environment because I clearly plateaued.

Clearing my mind in the bar was as difficult as my first week, and I was scared. As I tried harder and harder to get out my head and just be in tune with myself I felt the resistance as it was but couldn't observe the resistance. At the same time, I was also observing other people. My curiosity was so peeked that I decided to start making hypotheses about what would happen from what I saw.

I wish I had brought my earplugs for that purpose because it would have made it much easier to see their actions clearly. Anyway, back to the story, when I started shifting my observation to my resistance I couldn't feel intellectual thought for a few seconds and then a wave of thoughts came rushing into my mind. I attempted to digest what happened, but I was immediately overwhelmed by a series of thoughts that dealt with my childhood.

I used to fight a lot with my sister and would take out my anger on her. All of the things that I thought I disliked in her I realized that I disliked in myself. Then my thoughts shifted to fact that I don't love myself at all. I probably have to keep thinking and fill my head with thoughts constantly to block out this fact.

I nearly cried in public. It's funny really. My eyes were misty, and I reveled in the moment for a while. I immediately logged the event in my journal when I got settled in at home and recalled the emotions and thoughts. I haven't fully addressed the issue yet because I have to breakdown the faults that I have with my sister and find out what I really think about my own faults.

My concentration improved slightly after that event in the bar and then again when I got home. It was money well spent! I even received an added bonus. I learned more about minute expressions and actions. I was able to read people's faces and sometimes people would just tell everything with their words because they can't check emotions or their mind (I socialized for a while after the event to see what would happen).

Also, I realized how stupid guys are sometimes and how many insecurities they have. It really comes out when they're drunk.

If anyone cares to hear a story about the pitfalls of stupidity then let me know. I just didn't think the friend would let the girl suck him off in his friend's car when he drove them all there. She really wanted to suck him off in the bathroom. I might have ruined that though by following my curiosity to see if they would walk into the same bathroom together. It's a shame too because the other guy had been trying to get with her for two years (his own words).


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 3:57 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:11 am
Posts: 823
Nice
Slim Titan wrote:
I couldn't feel intellectual thought for a few seconds and then a wave of thoughts came rushing into my mind. I attempted to digest what happened, but I was immediately overwhelmed by a series of thoughts that dealt with my childhood.
Yes - even a few seconds of quiet and what's under the surface has a chance to come up. That's the emotional content that thinking is used to constantly avoid feeling. Being in your head is a protective mechanism.

The more that comes out, the less there is to suppress. It frees up an enormous amount of energy, and that is why your concentration and observation appeared to improve. Imagine what happens when you can increase those few seconds to longer intervals of time, without becoming re-infatuated with thought (aka in your head).
Quote:
I haven't fully addressed the issue yet because I have to breakdown the faults that I have with my sister and find out what I really think about my own faults.
Repeat what worked. What's really going on will reveal itself to you when it is given the space, just as with people. The impulse to go back to 'finding out what I think' is going back to the comfort zone of in your head, because that is where you have setup home base. We naturally move towards comfort unless we consciously go into the shadows. Thinking and analysis has its uses but also its limitations. It also benefits and improves from rest, like anything else. You can use it to get you to the doorway of certain parts of yourself, but then you need to set it down and step in.

_________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:46 am 
Flow83 wrote:
Nice
Slim Titan wrote:
I couldn't feel intellectual thought for a few seconds and then a wave of thoughts came rushing into my mind. I attempted to digest what happened, but I was immediately overwhelmed by a series of thoughts that dealt with my childhood.
Yes - even a few seconds of quiet and what's under the surface has a chance to come up. That's the emotional content that thinking is used to constantly avoid feeling. Being in your head is a protective mechanism.

The more that comes out, the less there is to suppress. It frees up an enormous amount of energy, and that is why your concentration and observation appeared to improve. Imagine what happens when you can increase those few seconds to longer intervals of time, without becoming re-infatuated with thought (aka in your head).
Quote:
I haven't fully addressed the issue yet because I have to breakdown the faults that I have with my sister and find out what I really think about my own faults.
Repeat what worked. What's really going on will reveal itself to you when it is given the space, just as with people. The impulse to go back to 'finding out what I think' is going back to the comfort zone of in your head, because that is where you have setup home base. We naturally move towards comfort unless we consciously go into the shadows. Thinking and analysis has its uses but also its limitations. It also benefits and improves from rest, like anything else. You can use it to get you to the doorway of certain parts of yourself, but then you need to set it down and step in.
It's difficult to get out the of the house to practice in an environment safe enough to direct the majority of my observation onto myself.

I may have to keep practicing at home for the time being until I can afford a car. Who knows, a good female friend may pop up and take me out to dinner and not mind that I meditate. I want that.


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 9:10 pm 
I've been thinking about how to develop self-discipline to take myself to an acceptable level of focus with my mediation, journaling, job, and business work.

In a weird way, I don't get the sense that I can just build self-discipline. It doesn't seem learned. It seems like the only path to making myself more disciplined is through the hard work of inner work because self-discipline is a effect an effect of a good internal and healthy mindset.

Is it possible to use willpower to get myself to the point where I have that healthy mindset?

From the thread below I thought about using pain and pleasure:

I don't know how to use those to motivate me to gain discipline. It seems out of my league for right now. Help on this would be appreciated.

How To Be More Disciplined

This thread indicates that you have must have self-acceptance. I'm currently working on that heavily.

Is this an ok mindset to have

Here I'm having trouble digesting how you're supposed to use pain and pleasure. If you're indifferent to the pain or the pleasure does a choice present itself? I'm not sure how to use this self-acceptance that develops from confronting your issues to harness pain and pleasure through indifference, if that makes sense.

Indifference 2.0

The Modern Libertine claims that re-framing helped him with disarming his ego. If the ego is an inhibiting factor in this is re-framing productive when confronting issues? If so, what would re-framing look like?

Another Thing that helped me reach indifference was:TML

The two threads below consist of techniques that I have been using to confront myself:

All you need is inside you, here and now

Tap Your Subconscious - one way


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2014 10:12 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 10, 2010 5:51 pm
Posts: 2046
Location: Laniakea Supercluster
Quote:
Self Control

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.”

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen; only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”

The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”

_________________
♫♫♩♫‿◦


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:48 pm 
Thanks Jared. I will work on my self control.

I get distracted too much. I have also realized that I can't force the pushups:

Meraki On Pushups

The 5lb to 100lb metaphor struck a chord with me.

I'll have to do my pushups as best as I can while putting the majority of my efforts into the most precious facets of my life where I'm struggling.

I haven't managed myself well over the last few months to year. I should be further along than I am.

I'm not even to the point where I can have meaningful inquiry (productive and useful inquiry).

I still have many triggers and haven't processed them.

(I left that^^^^ sentence unchanged even though I meant allow/let go. I'm still in my head at least 80% or more of the time.)


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Mon Nov 10, 2014 9:01 pm 
October was a long month. Many things were put into motion.

November, this month, will be the month where certain theories are tested. Wish me the best fortune and scenario. ;)

November Update:

My meditation lengths have stayed the same. It's difficult to keep meditating past the 25 minute mark with no breaks. I've cut down my meditations to about once per week/when I have absolutely nothing to do, which isn't often.

The findings are minimal to say the least, but my reading and work has been leading me down different paths to experiment with. I haven't found a way to meditate that makes me most comfortable yet or helps me get to a comfortable state. That seems critical. It's probably a reason why I can't sustain meditations more than 25 minutes.

What's funny is that my life seems to have been having some nice surprises in the career, education, skills, and personal development arena. Everyday, I'm keep finding out how easy it is to get what you want or need when you're just in the right place at the right time.

Cigarettes are still bugging me, but I found a basis as to why I smoke them. It's easy to see what's causing the addiction, but it's hard to just pull the trigger. I still have a lot of fear. I know that if I put the cigarettes down I won't go back to back them. What's worse is that I'm afraid my root problem will try to find other outlets unless it's possible to channel it.

I also have a loose idea of how to handle my student debt so I can pay it off by the end of 2015. It's just shy of $24k.

I won't be updating this again for a while.


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 Post subject: Re: Pushups
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:02 am 
It's been a while. I fell off of the meditation because I wasn't making progress. I'm really freaking impatient. However, I'm into exercising and have been doing so for 3 weeks now at six days a week.

I'm going to incorporate the meditations again into my exercise routine, either before or after. Most likely, I'll add them after I workout.

I guess the only thing I learned about is how impatient I am. I want tangible progress and that's pretty tough with intangibles. However, I realized how great I feel after I meditate and after exercise. So, now I'm doing meditation as something to pass the time and something that hopefully keeps my spirits.

Also, I've finally acted on a few big things on my list of things to do. It's really slow goings because the list is long, but wheels are turning. :twisted:

Patience doesn't come cheaply. It comes with practice and conviction in your beliefs. So now I'm practicing patience.

Again, I won't be updating this for a while.

I really didn't realize how much a good workout makes you feel either. You just tend to care about a whole lot less. It's just you and the reps and sets.


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