It's been a couple months since I broke up with my ex and certain things have come to mind and I must be humble. I have made some fundamental mistakes and boy would I bitch-slap myself if I could go back to the day I asked her out but it can't be undone, hopefully some of you can relate or learn from this, here goes:
-Whilst I was in an open relationship with this chick I put my foot down (thanks to Kidd who advised me as it was happening) but eventually I became comfortable and for some reason ignored some otherwise tell-tale signs that I should fire her immediately, because I saw her as a developing person and everyone has flaws but this bitch was just straight up batshit crazy.
-Our relationship wasn't based on trust, considering how we started out so obviously I trusted her little but I still stayed with her because I wanted to see that whilst they are not perfect that there there is some good in women somewhere, I was wrong.
-I believed she was on my team because she helped me out with my school and finances sometimes but she only did it to feel better about herself and she always claimed to have a thing about altruism which I think is bullshit.
-I believed vulnerability was essentialy for intimacy, so sometimes I let my guard down so she could see my 'human' side and we could connect, in my experience this was a mistake and it allowed her to get inside of me and push my buttons, which she would eventually attempt to use her woman card to get me in legal trouble over nothing, fortunately when I called the cops she realised she was out of her depth and told them the truth (something as I discovered she rarely did during the course of our relationship).
-Adding the above, she was especially manipulative (only-child syndrome?) and had a way of making herself seem like she was right, sometimes I managed to turn that shit around and show her how full of shit she was but alot of the time she got the last word in, because I got lazy and just wanted to end the argument and go about my business (how the fuck do these married dudes put up with that?).
-There were times when she saw how I interacted with other women and she admitted to me that she thought she was not worthy of me after that, I reassured her that was not the case but SHE WAS RIGHT.
-This bitch could not take care of herself and fuck knows how she will survive in the real world. She was coddled by her parents her entire life and became skilled in the ways of manipulation to get her way. I should have run when I sensed something fishy, I mean being the other guy was not enough of a sign that I should not go out with this bitch.
-Somewhere in the middle of this relationship I felt like I wanted to return to the open relationship we had before, there was a certain mystery and feeling there that died when we started going out. When were 'open' I did not care if she slept with other dudes (which she ended up doing to try and get over me but it didn't work) but obviously the monogamous aspect brought about some expectations on my part and hers which were unrealistic and possessive. Ironically I wanted to fuck other women and had some opporunities, eventually I ended up fucking this other chick but in retrospect I should have fucked them all, she did not deserve my loyalty.
So there you go, I did not heed Kidd's initial warning that she would do everything in her power to get me to be her boyfriend once she dumped the other dude. She got to me in the end, at that time I was emotionally vulnerable and didn't think straight, my gut told me Kidd was right and what does he say guys? THE GUT IS ALWAYS RIGHT, indeed it is, always and without question.
I thought I was in control of my shit at the time but clearly I was not and I should have consulted him at every turn. I learned a vaulable lesson, a few actually:
-Never let a woman into your emotional world, never let her see the chinks in your armor.
-I definitely don't want to start a family cuz I have way too much shit going on in my short life and things to accomplish so I'm strongly considering getting a vasectomy. I dodged a bullet everytime I fucked that crazy bitch and I am thankful I was on her ass about the pill, but you never know, worst case scenario she shows up with this mini-me at my door and hits me up for child support, she would be the type of chick that would pull that kind of shit.
-Monogamy is not for me and I don't care to explore that with anyone in this lifetime, nothing can ever make me consider it after all that bullshit. The level of freedom I felt after she stepped out of my door for the last time was so fucking good, I hadn't been that genuinely happy for some time.
-Maybe I've always had a thing for older women because they're infertile, the idea of a family never struck a chord with me but I was thinking about it, just a little, not with this chick but somewhere down the line. I even told this bitch sometimes that she would never bear my children and eventually our relationship would end. She had to see it to believe it I guess.
There's probably more but right now I'm moving forward and getting over the anger and not beating myself up for my mistakes.
