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Little update
http://naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=3284		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Aragorn [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Little update
Well, I'm facing my demons. Or at least seeing them fully for the first time.

When I started meditating, I thought that it would bring me inner peace and that it was a way to eliminate inner issues. Quite the opposite is true. Severely low self-esteem, which I covered up in numerous ways, has shown it's true light. Deep down, I consider myself ugly (not in the traditional physical sense) and unlovable. There are numerous ways that it manifests itself, but this feeling is absolute. It's why no change here seemed permanent, and why the mindset has been impossible to implement. How could I ever start acting in a way that would risk the displeasure of others? I've been covering it up or used it as motivation in sports, school or my social life, but even that motivation is gone now. I see it for what it is. I don't have motivation to change it, but I'm pretty angry that it's crippling me (in ways I haven't even noticed) at work, school or in my social life.

What's perplexing is that I don't quite know what to do. This doesn't seem like some sort of inner battle, and yet I don't want to feel this way. I've acknowledged the fact that this viewpoint of myself is a paradigm I've operated in my whole life, and that it's causing me great pain. The best road ahead is probably going to be acceptance and allowing. Letting the emotion do it's thing.

It sucks accepting the truth, but at least I can see a bit more clearly. I've started reading some books on the subject and hope that I can start the path towards "recovery". It is what it is.
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
What is this...update Sunday? :lol:

Keep chipping away...you'll get there. 8-)
Author:  peregrinus [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
You know, you've heard it many times.

So many times that it is a cliche :D

Be yourself.

Honestly express yourself.
Author:  Meraki [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
Everybody hop on the update train.
Grinus wrote:
Be yourself.

Honestly express yourself.
Simple words, misunderstood by many. :ugeek:
Author:  Aragorn [ Sun Jun 02, 2013 11:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
Yeah, didn't want to steal your spotlight Meraki :mrgreen:

Honestly expressing a low feeling of self-worth seems foreign. Shit, all of this does.
Author:  Meraki [ Mon Jun 03, 2013 4:43 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
Haha yeah man - no worries. Plenty of spotlight for everyone!
Moose wrote:
The best road ahead is probably going to be acceptance and allowing. Letting the emotion do it's thing.
You're on the right path man. Just keep going. Its not an easy path, or a quick one, but it is worth it. :ugeek:

You will have more insights like this one. More things will trigger you, and you can feel into why they are triggering, and gain an understanding.

One thing to keep in mind is that every "programmed behavior pattern" that you have (like low self-esteem or feeling unlovable) was created for a reason. It served you somehow in the past, often protecting you against something that happened (or could have happened) when you were very very little. So that behavior pattern was a good thing at one point in time, but now its not anymore.

It can be very useful to ask, "how did this serve me?" and "how does it continue to serve me?
Author:  peregrinus [ Mon Jun 03, 2013 6:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
moose35 wrote:
Honestly expressing a low feeling of self-worth seems foreign. Shit, all of this does.
Try it.

You will be amazed at the results.

Think about that, just for a second, hell, a millisecond.
Author:  Aragorn [ Mon Jun 03, 2013 6:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
peregrinus wrote:
moose35 wrote:
Honestly expressing a low feeling of self-worth seems foreign. Shit, all of this does.
Try it.

You will be amazed at the results.

Think about that, just for a second, hell, a millisecond.
The only reason I'm not expressing these feelings openly is because I'm afraid of the reason of other people, hence putting my future esteem in other people's hands. If I presently have low self-esteem, so be it.

Yeah I get your point. Being comfortable in my own skin (even though, with low self-esteem, it sounds paradoxical).
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Mon Jun 03, 2013 7:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Little update
YOU have low self esteem...the rest of the world isn't GIVING it you...you CHOOSE TO HAVE IT. :ugeek:

So...choose to UNhave it instead. 8-)
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