Natural Freedom

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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 12:10 pm 
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Another week gone by! How time flies..

Reflecting on the week that has passed, I am beginning to comprehend the true scale and magnitude of my task. It was perhaps naive to assume that 20+ years of neediness, approval seeking and supplication could be undone in a matter of weeks to months. This sure is 'long term'. And that's okay.

I feel like things are moving though. For instance, I've found some extra work which is going to help reverse the debt I have accumulated. Admittedly, the movement of progress is very much akin to a very long train setting off at a steep incline but I understand momentum. Patience for now. Still, I must share with you something that really irked me a few days back. It may seem mundane, but it stood out to me and it showed me that I had a long way to go.

A few days back, a friend of mine and I set out jogging at night in the park. We settled at the entrance of the park which is at the top of a hilly incline. We figured we could go to the bottom (about 50m) and do hill sprints. Being naturally athletic, I am much faster than my friend and so I could easily beat him to the top of the hill. However, my goal for the workout was to simply run a moderate pace - not at full pelt. In other words, I wasn't racing my friend. That wasn't the idea.

We opted to run up the hill toward the gate to the park, walk down back to the bottom and repeat. For the most part he was always in front because he was training at 100% intensity and I was not (I had leg day the next day). However, as we ran up the hill on one of the sprints, a girl walked into the park and immediately, without thinking, I started to sprint at full pelt and whizzed past my friend in an attempt to 'impress' her. As we walked back down, I even started speaking about my goals at a volume she could hear. I can only laugh at myself because a part of me actually thought this stranger would not only be listening, but actually give a fuck. LOL delusional.

I was absolutely livid. How could such a thing happen without me even thinking about it? Is my programming so deeply ingrained? Why would I compromise my own plan to attempt to impress a girl who I did not know. A girl who I'll likely never see again. A girl whose face I could not even see clearly (it was dark) - she probably wasn't even attractive to me.. but more importantly, she wasn't jocking. A girl who at night would b worried about her own safety and wouldn't even care about what other guys are doing. A girl who doesn't know neither care I exist. This to me reeks of filling up space. Doing with the intention of getting.

I was furious. Being able to run quickly has never been a front factor as far as I know. I doubt women care about that at all. Sure, I was improving my front and all but still, it's some bullshit fellas. And it irritated me a lot.

I have also completed 17 days of my no pornography challenge. I know a lot of guys who read the board (members and non-members) daren't open up about this but they will appreciate me posting about it. Do I notice a difference? Absolutely. Do not get me wrong fellas. A superman I am not. I haven't transformed and become an ideal picture of myself. My room is still dirty, I still exhibit sympish behavioral traits and I am still not being as productive as I'd like.

I'll tell you this though - I feel better about myself. I am less willing to complain and more willing to fix things. My mind is now searching for ways to achieve, get things done and move up. I am now chasing improvement. At work, I've started doing better and I actually want to do better. I still dislike my job but my attitude is shifting. I'm now thinking along the lines of - might as well do a good job while I'm here.

With regards to staying mentally strong, yes it IS difficult. Images flood the mind and slowly you find yourself thinking about accessing those virus-laden websites. Interrupting the thoughts seems to be working great for me. Enough of that for now.

This week I have been focusing on regulating my emotions. I feel there's much work to be done. My emotions are susceptible to external influences. I amost seem to mirror how people react to me. I seem to let other people's bad moods influence me and when you work in a customer facing environment, that's never a good thing. Ideally, I want to have my own impenetrable state of mind where I can influence others, not the other way round. I hear people call this 'infectiousness'. I believe that can only come from indifference. The idea of being 'okay either way'.

Till next week!


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 5:48 pm 
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Bravo on catching yourself and paying attention.

Funny how these things turn up just at the right time :D

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2013 7:35 pm 
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nice work Profectus, glad to see things are going well for you.

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PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2013 12:38 am 
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Nice realizations Profectus. Knowing is half the battle...

You'll start noticing sympish things you do and inappropriate reactions you have closer and closer to when they actually happen, and then eventually you'll start noticing them about to happen and you can cut them off before they do.

Possibly relevant:
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=2640

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"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:47 am 
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Profectus wrote:
Another week gone by! How time flies..

Reflecting on the week that has passed, I am beginning to comprehend the true scale and magnitude of my task. It was perhaps naive to assume that 20+ years of neediness, approval seeking and supplication could be undone in a matter of weeks to months. This sure is 'long term'. And that's okay.
Last I checked, the change is for a lifetime.

Time is going to pass anyway.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 6:17 pm 
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Profectus wrote:

Reflecting on the week that has passed, I am beginning to comprehend the true scale and magnitude of my task. It was perhaps naive to assume that 20+ years of neediness, approval seeking and supplication could be undone in a matter of weeks to months. This sure is 'long term'. And that's okay.
Have you considered that your task may actually be ordinary, and not a task of huge scale and magnitude that your mind is telling you it is?

The 'task', as it where, never stops. There's no end result. So in a way it is long term, but just perhaps not in the way you're thinking.

Allow it. Your neediness and approval seeking is nothing special or extra-ordinary. They are common place and normal.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 7:45 pm 
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Leo wrote:
Profectus wrote:

Reflecting on the week that has passed, I am beginning to comprehend the true scale and magnitude of my task. It was perhaps naive to assume that 20+ years of neediness, approval seeking and supplication could be undone in a matter of weeks to months. This sure is 'long term'. And that's okay.
Have you considered that your task may actually be ordinary, and not a task of huge scale and magnitude that your mind is telling you it is?

The 'task', as it where, never stops. There's no end result. So in a way it is long term, but just perhaps not in the way you're thinking.

Allow it. Your neediness and approval seeking is nothing special or extra-ordinary. They are common place and normal.
Men of growth have no graduation day. :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 8:11 pm 
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Profectus wrote:
Do not get me wrong fellas. A superman I am not.
I'm shocked.
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I haven't transformed and become an ideal picture of myself.


Delusion of the mind that such a thing exists.
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I'll tell you this though - I feel better about myself. I am less willing to complain and more willing to fix things.


Dropping the complainer in you is actually an achievement.
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My mind is now searching for ways to achieve
Just be aware that the mind will attempt to get in the way of creating. Everything comes through the mind at first, but it does not have the solutions you need. It's just a good analysing and reasoning tool if you can learn to use it effectively.

Maybe you should actually ask what achievement is in the first instance, and why you feel the need to achieve any of your goals, and what is so special about achievement that it must be done.

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With regards to staying mentally strong, yes it IS difficult. Images flood the mind and slowly you find yourself thinking about accessing those virus-laden websites. Interrupting the thoughts seems to be working great for me. Enough of that for now.
Don't interrupt them. Allow them fully. Despite believing that it's 'working great for you', you're actually suppressing your thoughts which means their influence will continue to reside within and control you. This is a form of repression on your part, because you actually fear having these thoughts. Accept the fear, and accept the thoughts. Allow, and stop repressing yourself. See what happens then.
Quote:
This week I have been focusing on regulating my emotions.


Lol, why? As far as I can ascertain you are HEAVILY repressing out of fear. No worries, we've all been there. We all know how unfathomably UNCOMFORTABLE it is aswell. You're going the wrong way about this. Instead of regulating your emotions, which is counter-productive and fear based, allow yourself to feel them fully. They are there for a reason. Allow them their space, and no matter how uncomfortable you find, keep on allowing them the space to be there. If you are fearless about something, it's influence wanes with time.
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I feel there's much work to be done.
The irony is that there is very little to be done at all :lol:

Don't get caught up in this notion of work, doing or effort. Your dialogue implies a person who is thinking too much, and too rigidly.
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My emotions are susceptible to external influences.


No they are not. You just identify too much with your emotional life.
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Ideally, I want to have my own impenetrable state of mind where I can influence others, not the other way round.


Bwahaha. Your mind trying to control again. Just let it go. Let go of the need to control people, and people will be influenced by you.
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I hear people call this 'infectiousness'. I believe that can only come from indifference. The idea of being 'okay either way'.
More limited beliefs, more ideas. Indifference just yet another thing you are trying to control, trying to attain, trying trying trying. The 'idea' of being okay just another concept.

You're too rigid in your ideals, beliefs and wants.

This is me, recognising bullshit behaviour.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 11:50 am 
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Leo wrote
Quote:
The 'task', as it where, never stops. There's no end result. So in a way it is long term, but just perhaps not in the way you're thinking.

Allow it. Your neediness and approval seeking is nothing special or extra-ordinary. They are common place and normal.
Do you mean that we will always feel neediness and the impulse to seek approval to some extend as long as we are alive? But instead of acting on it (which would make us look like some kind of foolish symp) or repressing it (which is not healthy and will actually make things worse), we just allow the feeling? So that it works out and eventually loses it's power?


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 1:24 pm 
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Gonzo wrote:
Do you mean that we will always feel neediness and the impulse to seek approval to some extend as long as we are alive?
Not necessarily, and although I won't speak for everyone, it's possible. And you have to be okay with that - And being okay with that is what diminishes the influence of these impulses over your behaviour. It's not that you accept a sub-standard version of yourself, it's that you accept that right now you are simply you and you are where you are. From there change happens. You do have to understand and accept fully that these are, in a way, deeply ingrained impulses which take their root in human behavior even before you are born. These impulses are refined during our early childhood, to varying degrees. As a species we are totally conditioned, and it runs so deeply that fighting it is a waste of energy. It's like a group of people protesting against a government - ineffectual at best, utter chaos at worse.
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But instead of acting on it (which would make us look like some kind of foolish symp) or repressing it (which is not healthy and will actually make things worse), we just allow the feeling? So that it works out and eventually loses it's power?
Yes, that's all there is to it. These behaviours create experiences for you. Whether they are uncomfortable or disempowering is neither here nor there because they are valid experiences which give your life contrast. You can't know what it is to be independent unless you've been dependent.

Allowing is incredibly powerful. It seems so passive and feminine to the MIND, but it's actually more powerful than fighting. It's doing battle in a more intelligent way, using power instead of force. Allowing an impulse to have it's hour is powerful because it means you stop living in denial, accept that it's there and see it for what it is. Doesn't mean you have to act on it either, although you can IF you choose.

Repressing does NOT make the impulse go away. Regulating is done by observing, not forcing. Allowing is both subjective and objective, in that you can view the impulse or thought from the position of a witness, and therefore you don't really have to identify with it. OR you can. And thus, you then have the capacity to release the fear of it. So yes, allow whatever you feel, and see how the energy of it transforms. Yesterday I felt awful and wound up. I sat down, allowed this feeling totally. Within 5 minutes I felt much more balanced and the previous feeling had transformed. And I emphasise the word balanced as opposed to something like 'great' or 'amazing', because alot of people have this deluded perception of it being possible to always feel amazing, confident, sexy, powerful or whatever. They don't realise that being totally open within yourself, i.e being totally human, IS power.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:19 pm 
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Thanks for the excellent explanation Leo!
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It seems so passive and feminine to the MIND, but it's actually more powerful than fighting.
I agree. I am doing the Just Allow It course from the Balls Project now. Actually I stopped doing these exercises for a while, but a started again a couple of weeks ago. I can go much deeper into my feelings now, much deeper than before. I have to say it is quite uncomfortable and kinda painful at times. It's a simple concept, but definitely harder than repressing stuff and running from your feelings like a scared child. This is for the brave! So in a way you could say it is manly, a masculine act.

Also, I started doing this in order to get chicks... But now it isn't about that any more. It is all about myself now. Doing the allowing exercises and digging deep into my subconscious just makes me feel good (after the exercise is done). So in the end it is all about me feeling better.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 8:05 pm 
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Gonzo wrote:

Also, I started doing this in order to get chicks... But now it isn't about that any more. It is all about myself now. Doing the allowing exercises and digging deep into my subconscious just makes me feel good (after the exercise is done). So in the end it is all about me feeling better.
Realise that allowing isn't digging.

Digging is doing, with the intention of extracting. Allowing is not. It's just letting whatever it is arise and not even to analyse why it's there. It's important to make the distinction. However, If you want to sit in silence and have a dig around, ask questions and what have you, then by all means. In my experience the answers come when resistance has waned though. In other words, when you shut up and stop questioning everything.
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So in a way you could say it is manly, a masculine act.
It's neither masculine nor feminine. I only said it seemed feminine - to the mind.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 8:19 am 
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Realise that allowing isn't digging.

Digging is doing, with the intention of extracting. Allowing is not. It's just letting whatever it is arise and not even to analyse why it's there. It's important to make the distinction.
Thanks for making this distinction. It makes sense.


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