Natural Freedom

Firstly, hello and welcome to my journal. It's just a small place where I can keep tabs on my progress. I hope that you find it worth your while to check out. I'm still considering how often I should update this. Perhaps weekly or fortnightly. I'll start weekly and make adjustments if needed.

PS: I do not know if I am posting this in the right section. I saw a few folks posting updates on their personal situations so I figured this would fit in here.

Secondly, I'd like to add that it's unlikely you'll find interesting stories about my interactions with women in this journal. If these interactions do occur, I will by all means add them in. However, I am seeking to begin the long process of undoing myself. This is primarily about me turning my life around and becoming someone I can be proud of.

For those who don't know my situation, here it is in a snapshot. viewtopic.php?f=11&t=3141 .

In a nutshell, I'm 23 and I'm stuck in a rut. Life isn't moving how I'd like it to and I want to change that. I know that the common denominator is ME. I have to start thinking, acting and choosing differently.

Yesterday I laid the groundwork by analyzing the choices I had made in the last 5 years. It hit me that everything around me was all down to one person. ME! I wrote everything down. From choosing to watch pornography instead of studying to choosing to seek approval from people who couldn't give to sh!ts if I existed. That was all on me! I could have chosen different and chosen better. But I didn't and here I am.

Recently I saw a videoideo[/url] that spoke of the dangers of Internet porn. Before that I deemed it normal and didn't really think much of it. But now a lot of things have started to click. I don't want to go on about the destructiveness of pornography but from analyzing my choices and past behaviors, I saw that it has played a major factor in creating the person I am today. So I've decided to quit watching it. The time can be used for other things, namely, reading or teaching myself a new skill. Perhaps it has contributed to some of the behaviors I seek to eliminate i.e. neediness, anxiety around women etc.

A book I'm reading is Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr Maxwell Maltz. It gives a nice framework for mental work via visualization. I'm interested in the concept of push-ups and I'd like to start doing those too. I'll schedule them for a set time and let you guys in on my progress.

One thing I understand about change is that it is difficult. Habits are difficult to break. It requires effort and strong willpower. I know and accept that there will be many hiccups along the way. But I can only fail if I quit.

As I type this now, my room is still a mess despite several attempts to become organised. It needs cleaning and clearing out. I have clothes that need washing. I have meals that need preparing. The difference now is I have started to notice it and I no longer want to tolerate it. In a nutshell, I don't want to sprint before I can crawl. I'll be lenient with myself and push a bit further everyday.

To our never-ending growth as men

Profectus.

A week has passed and it is time to update you all on what has been going on. This may be a little long.

I have managed to keep the vow of not watching pornography. It wasn't very difficult but I know that it gets tougher in the coming weeks. I'm mentally prepared for it though. On a whole, I feel good. I have more energy, my moods are more stable and I feel a bit of pride in myself. Maybe placebo, maybe not. I don't really care because ultimately, how I feel matters most. If a sugar pill cures a headache, then the goal has been achieved I say. But I digress...

During my new found spare time, I have read MJ DeMarco's Millionaire Fastlane in its entirety. A great read for all those interested. I have also joined their forum and I will be looking for some ideas on a small business I can start. My goal is to generate an income of $1500 a month. I've never successfully pursued anything entrepreneurial in my life so my education begins. I'm looking forward to learning the skill of generating income.

With this desire comes a lot of confusion. What do I do? What markets? What business? I have no idea where to start or what I am going to do. But success has little to do with the actual activity and more to do with the person behind it. Two people can do the same thing and have vastly contrasting results. My goal is to build myself up so I can be THAT guy who can create success.

I have battled against confusion. I have all this time yet I don't know what to do with myself. I have books, I could meditate, I could learn to program online, I could listen to a self help tape, I could clean up, I could write, I could.. I could... I could... My number one weapon against this is scheduling. I will make a list of all things I COULD do a designate them to time boxes so I work at them methodically. I will post early results next week.

Lately I have had something playing on my mind that has caused me some bother, rather unnecessarily. I must share...

I have a woman in my life who I have been seeing on and off. Recently it has been more off than on. Through a cascade of preventable scenarios with both parties to blame, communication slowly started to break down. My messages would not get responses until the next day and I reciprocated. So a conversation that would normally take a few minutes took an entire week. I would get accused of all sorts of things, from not caring to being 'mean'. However I felt as if she was not showing enough devotion to me (neediness, I know) because she had been far more responsive and emotionally involved in the past.

Recently, communication has broken down completely until I got tired of it and I pretty much said in no uncertain terms that things between us could not continue. I have learnt that she has reunited with a female friend who was highly disapproving of me in the past. So they have been out gallivanting on the town perhaps to help her get over this 'break up' if you would call it that.

The problem is, I am being consumed by waves of jealousy. But why? Things had got so bad that I couldn't bear being around her, yet now that she isn't, I am tortured by the idea of her being with someone else. I do not want to feel this way. I know it is irrational and she does not belong to me, but I cant help feeling as if she does and no one else should get near her.

I am also bothered that she has not been in touch despite the fact that it was me who ended things. I cant even reconcile this in my own mind because I know it's unfathomably illogical. It does not make sense. I don't want to care. I don't even want to think about this. I just want to focus on creating a life I look forward to living. This is all petty. I KNOW THIS. But I haven't a clue on what to do about it.

I have been checking my phone to see if there's a message. It has become that bad and that's when I decided I'd had enough of being a needy s.o.b and that this needed handling. Ideally, I'd like to 'let go'. Peregrinus talks about being a tree. The tree is indifferent to the birds that perch upon its branches. It does not invite them to sit on them neither does it call them back when they leave. While my ego will not let me stoop so low as to restart communication, things may deteriorate further. Therefore, I must work on this and do the necessary work.

I did one of StephenP's thought exercises yesterday and it helped and I slept rather soundly. I asked myself a few questions.

Suppose she got into a relationship with someone far more accomplished, successful, better looking and was happier with him than she was with you, how would you react? What would you do? How would you feel?

Suppose you were never to see her again and there was no way of you two ever getting in touch. What now?

Suppose you had 10 other beautiful women all fighting to gt your attention, would this be happening?

Suppose your pursuit for a better YOU and a better life bore fruit and you lived life to the fullest, would you waste your precious time even thinking about all this?

When I realized the irrationality of it all, I immediately felt better and slept. However, more thoughts invaded the mind this morning so I think it needs to be repeated. Muscles do not grow by exercising once right? This needs to be done repeatedly for the effect to last.

I want to 'let go' of the situation and truly not care what she does because people do what they want to do regardless.

Cybernetic systems are what keep us doing the
things we have always done... unless we
identify and consciously change "the thermostat."
The book you´re reading is filled w/valuable
information for people who have goals, big goals.

Self-Image in 13 minutes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GrwVoKHwRA

_________________
♫♫♩♫‿◦

Regarding visualisation -

I'm not a proponent. I find it exhausting. Why? Because the mind is limited in it's scope to envisage an actual, fully rounded reality. Mind tends to want to see only the light aspects of a reality, and hides from seeing it as a mixture of 'positive' and 'negative'. If you choose to do it then fine, but you need to realise a vision from all angles - so not just 'positive'. There are multiple dimensions to a reality - light and dark, exciting and boring, 'pleasant' and 'painful' etc. You need to understand this. Even having women chasing you has it's boring elements. So don't think of a new reality you want to create for yourself as something magical or extra-ordinary because that is lacking objective understanding and prevents you from living into new experiences.

Habits are not difficult to break, and they do not require 'willpower'. Why? Because the words 'difficult, break, willpower' imply fighting and struggling. You don't let go of things by fighting them. You let go of them by allowing them their place. They are there. Accept that they are there, so that they can stop influencing everything you do. Sounds la-di-da and passive? 'Allowing' your dark aspects is actually pro-active, because it's moving into a sense of being where you are not being manipulated by them because you accept them. Life is not about only creating what 'you'(your mind) want. This is deluded thinking. Life(your life stream) has a habit of creating what you need in order to grow, or broaden and deepen your sense of being. This may sound defeatist, but you gotta know that they are invaluable. If you believe that there is a cut off point where you will only create 'positive' experiences then you're going to be disappointed, to say the least. I used to think like this(not saying you do, but just to warn you), that by 'X time/age/year' I will have resolved this or that. Nope.


Pornography, and addiction to it, is simply a sexual imbalance within you.

Seeing your current reality for what it is, is the first step.
Accepting and living your current reality, without rejecting or judging it, is the second step.
Understanding you can change it is the third.

Sweet post, Leo.
Very true. In case it's helpful to anyone, a simple way that I use to keep this in mind is a quote from Eckhart Tolle that's now etched in my mind: "How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."

One time when this statement popped in my mind, another nihilistic voice chimed in: "What if all that stuff is bullshit? What if every event is random and has no deeper meaning? Are you just deluding yourself?" Then another voice chimed in: "No prob - if it's all meaningless, that's great! In that case it doesn't matter, and you can simply use the interpretation that'll bring about the most growth, and therefore the most benefit, so it's still a valid way to view things."

_________________
"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Life is the meaning you give it, to coin an utter cliche

Profectus seems to be of the mind that there is an end point to this journey, a line to cross and if he can't cross this line he will have failed. It's almost unfathomable to the mind that these don't actually exist, because that would entail living in the present tense. The mind is taught to dwell on the past and look to the future(in fear or hope, both illusions).

It's much more practical than that imo. It's about becoming who you actually are, rather than some ideal Superman. But the mind can't envisage who you are because it exists outside of the minds capacity. The rabbit hole goes so incredibly deep, and yet it's actually kind of simple. Dare I say it, kind of ordinary.

My interpretation of 'Pimp Tight', is that it's really just being able to see through the illusions and behaviour, rather than becoming something or adding something to your mind.