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Six months ago I acknowledged what I already knew, but had not yet accepted.
I was in the car with my Mother, feeling raw and fucked up from a recent situation. I made the mistaken attempt to talk to her about it - eliciting sympathy and attention from a woman, in other words - and hers was a standardised, stock reaction. One of blame and chastisement. What was the frame here? 'Everything is your fault, you are wrong and weak to be in a situation where you are experiencing emotional pain'. I should have known because she's been pulling this one on me since I was wearing a diaper, but I made my mistake and went against my own intuition and spoke anyway. I experienced 5 seconds of swelling rage, and just before I was about to pull the trigger it all dissipated and dissolved into the ether. I was tranquil and at some semblance of peace. It was then that I finally accepted what I always have known - No-one is your emotional support machine. There is no-one to pick you off the floor. And even if 'they' misguidedly attempted to be so, and 'you' misguidedly allowed them that level of power, the interactions based on that relationship dynamic would fuck you up even more in the long term. The best thing someone can do for you is directly or indirectly make you realise that you are, ultimately, alone. This is not misanthropic, and nor is it cynicism. It is the thing that allows you to accept the truth with a wry smile on your face. It's liberation. Why? Because when you realise that this responsibility is your own, you no longer have to rely. No more will you be beholden to agenda, to questionable loyalty, to transparent morality or the unresolved unconscious issues of another person - be that lover, family or whomever it may be . Instead you can go straight to the source - your own intuition.
We're all a collective of the tangled, chaotic strands of our past experience, primarily our early, formulative experiences. Nothing ground-breaking in that. It's not our fault who we were born to or that they were inadequate role models who sent us confusing messages. It's not our fault we were systematically blamed for everything, faced with extreme anger and volatility, shown apathy or consistently told how weak and pathetic we were. It's ok though, things said when you barely understand them and cannot differentiate between truth and non-truth is gonna hurt like a motha fucka! Your going to carry that with you for a long time. Nor is there anyone to blame and consequently forgive here - except ourselves. It's not that we don't forgive others, in itself an empty gesture ultimately signifying nothing, It's that we don't forgive ourselves! Don't forgive ourselves for ever allowing the action and words, the nuances and intonations of them, to manifest into our self-image and belief system, and therefore presenting that false image to the world and the trappings of that. All the attention seeking. All the validation seeking. All the relinquishing of personal power. We are the only people that need to be forgiven. Once done, comfort with oneself can be re-instated. And we are the only ones who have the capacity to do so.
It's not quite a done deal however. Mother fucker ego is the perennial snake in the grass, and the serpent shows it's fangs whenever it senses it chance. Alertness is not something ever attained, and certainly not something ever given. It's something cultivated till death.
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