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First results of mental pushups...
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Author:  rekieter [ Tue Feb 26, 2013 1:17 pm ]
Post subject:  First results of mental pushups...
So as I was repeatedly beaten over the head with "back to mental push-ups";) I went back to my "cave" and confronted my demons.

I realized there is this part of me that now I call "victim". Everytime that something went really wrong I put myself in a victim position. I know when and how this persona developed. My mother suffers from terrible inferiority complex and my dad was totally immature back when I was young. Literaly i felt like i am the only adult in the house - I was 9 back then. I had to deal with their issuess ( talking to them, telling them what they should do etc) up till my 20s. Whatever I did was always too little, there were others who were doing it better, never have heard any word of encouragement from them. My sister never gave a single fuck about them, and if she washed the dishes once my parents thought it was a blessing. I was completely mannipulated by them to feel guilty if I did anything I WANTED TO, that wasn't benefiting to them. "I feel nervous becouse of you, I 'm sick how can you do it" etc. for first 20 years of my life straight. I don't know what is the term in english but literal translation of this mannipulation technic is "emotional blackmail". I was so stumped I was literally afraid to go out, because I felt worthless. Imagine 11 old brat literally shiting his pants becouse he got B instead of A. It happened to me.

Everything my parents did was to mask the shit that goes inside the house from my neighbours. They even used this technic on me when I moved to other city, throwing their issuess on me and I couldn't fight them. This was why I developed neurosis (it is finally gone), it also was the factor that ruined my relationships (the one with my famous ex too:D). Now I see what they were doing and last week when they tried to do it again I told them everything. They tried to do it once more so I just hanged up, and didn't answer their calls for 2 weeks. When they called me later on they were apologizing etc, but I told them not to do it, I just let them know that if this happens once more, next time they will hear from me or see me would be christmas 2020.

Becouse of this outlook I realized what was the basic problem. I remember that my mother always complained that her parents did it to her. she told that she had to think about everything, taking care of her younger siblings etc. She did the same thing to me. I love her but here is were this cycle will stop.

Ok so what I did i just embraced that kid in me, and it changed my with completely. Irealized that I was always thinking about someone else, not thinking about me. People would take advantage of this and abuse it. I am master of my life, if I won't let anyone to mannipulate me, i will be happy. I have one life and I want to thrive. I love my parents, but I spent 20 years of my life being a toy or terapist to them depending on situation and it is time for them to grow up. I realized that I didn't take the responsibility for my actions, I developed this defence mechanism during my teens. I felt like I needed someone to understand me and why I do it, but the only person needed is ME. I see clearly through peoples' bullshit now, I noticed how fucked up are most of the relationships that people are in.

I started 90 days challenge - no porn/sex/jerking - and now it is 22nd day - it is harder than quiting smokes. Libido went won to ZERO, but from what I hear it is normal.

To be continued
Author:  panoramix [ Tue Feb 26, 2013 4:51 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Quote:
my mother always complained that her parents did it to her
Quote:
embraced that kid in me
good start but you have to go deeper.
Quote:
no porn/sex/jerking
if its working for you and you are happy with result, carry on....

be prepared to confrontation things you dont want to face and try to see bigger picture.
Author:  Altair [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 4:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
One thing I noticed in my introspections was how the negative patterns spanned generations.

My parents, particularly my father had a certain dynamic between his mother and father and chose a mate that recreated the events in his childhood and thus passed that dynamic onto me kinda like a virus.

Be aware of that.
Author:  peregrinus [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 5:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
"our parents, they fuck us up"
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 6:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Morpheus wrote:
One thing I noticed in my introspections was how the negative patterns spanned generations.

My parents, particularly my father had a certain dynamic between his mother and father and chose a mate that recreated the events in his childhood and thus passed that dynamic onto me kinda like a virus.

Be aware of that.
I was a partial victim to that as well, as my 1st baby moms is pretty much my mom reincarnated...just awful. Luckily I managed to see it in time (sort of) and made sure that my next one (current baby moms) is NOTHING like my mom. The hilarious thing is, that my mom HATED my ex but LOVES my current...I guess opposites DO attract! :lol:
Author:  Sai [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
peregrinus wrote:
"our parents, they fuck us up"
Literally for me.

rekeiter, I understand.
Author:  panoramix [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 8:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Prodigy wrote:
peregrinus wrote:
"our parents, they fuck us up"
Literally for me.

rekeiter, I understand.
or.... they giving us some kind of negative emotion to push our self to start changing.... now is our choice to do it or not :geek:
Author:  Sai [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 9:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
panoramix wrote:
Prodigy wrote:
peregrinus wrote:
"our parents, they fuck us up"
Literally for me.

rekeiter, I understand.
or.... they giving us some kind of negative emotion to push our self to start changing.... now is our choice to do it or not :geek:
Perhaps....
when I was younger I was apart of the cadets, my mother was away in the states and I was living with dad. he is "sir chase a lot", any wayz, I was steadily working my way up the ranks. when it was time for me to go on camping trips, daddy dear told me that I couldn't go, I was to stay home and run shop while he ran the street. after not taking part in numerous camping based activities, I had to drop out of the cadets.

I can go on...
Daddy dear used to fuck my mom's cousin, she was a thieving bitch. when shit came up missing and even with evidence to show that it was the wench, guess who was still accused of the Crime? "ding, ding, ding" "you are correct sir"
I can go on.
me now, I love him cuz he's my father, but beyond that....nah no love.
my mother used fear to control me for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time.

I had self esteem and confidence issues because even though they weren't perfect, they tried to BEAT perfection into me.it is only now that I listen to them when they speak and learn about their childhood and upbringing, that I can kind of understand them.
Author:  panoramix [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 10:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
well... like men to men, face to face... we all had the same problem. maybe you need more time to understand it that there is no men that can read your destiny.
Author:  Altair [ Sat Mar 02, 2013 11:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
panoramix wrote:
well... like men to men, face to face... we all had the same problem. maybe you need more time to understand it that there is no men that can read your destiny.
Perhaps not, but some can predict it quite well. :lol:
Author:  panoramix [ Sun Mar 03, 2013 1:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Morpheus wrote:

Perhaps not, but some can predict it quite well. :lol:
ok, lets together go and ask your mama... I wonder what she will say about my future :lol:
Author:  rekieter [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Don't get me wrong, I love her and I know how much my parents sacrificed to give me proper education. They had problems with themselves. What i wrote may sound bitter but hell, it happened time to move on. At least now I am aware of this kind of behaviour (I suppose I am prone to it as well) and will end the cycle. My mother had to be a parent for her parents too, I don't blame her. Without the internet I wouldn't even realize that you can live differently.
Author:  Altair [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
panoramix wrote:
Morpheus wrote:

Perhaps not, but some can predict it quite well. :lol:
ok, lets together go and ask your mama... I wonder what she will say about my future :lol:
Your asserted your premise based on a male being able to know someone else's future. To which I responded that some guys can "predict" the future well due to the fact that certain clumps of behavior go together. If you see someone do something you can generally make good conclusions about what it is they're going to do and outlook on life.

The your mother comments are actually a Red Herring :lol:
Author:  fufe [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Morpheus wrote:

Your asserted your premise based on a male being able to know someone else's future. To which I responded that some guys can "predict" the future well due to the fact that certain clumps of behavior go together. If you see someone do something you can generally make good conclusions about what it is they're going to do and outlook on life.
At school there was a teacher and once he said to me "There was a student, who had the same name as you, looked almost like you.. He didn't like to study too.. He found older girlfriend, then after they broke up he killed himself." And nothing else. I was like "Okay, what am I supposed to do with this ?" He told me nothing other than make sure you won't end up like him.
I remembered this recently, during pushups.. Probably one of the reason why am I so afraid that I will commit suicide - It's totally unrealistic weird nonsense belief, that I don't dare to face directly yet (fearing what, guess..)
... So I just hope this teacher isn't the case of what you are discussing :lol:
Author:  Altair [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
I know someone who took that route :| .

Life is awesome, ending it of your own volition is a waste.
Author:  fufe [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Morpheus wrote:
I know someone who took that route :| .

Life is awesome, ending it of your own volition is a waste.
Seeing people do this and that for this or that reason, mostly for others approval... I got to the conclusion, that most people wouldn't be able to handle the fact that them living for other people is not their true.. how to say it, meaning of life ?.. Hence the matrix.. Some seem to so caught up in this living for others (I was too, still am in ways), that they'd most probably gone insane, or even kill themselves, when plugged out.
Being brutally honest with you guys, now... If not for this forum, writing and drawing, I don't know if I'd be here today, if I didn't knew there was way out, I'd probably got stuck in a scary place between matrix and freedom and at best got insane from it, because I'd never be able to swallow the feeling of "Something is not right"
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
So telling that the teacher would share that with YOU. :geek:
Author:  rekieter [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
Prodigy wrote:
only now that I listen to them when they speak and learn about their childhood and upbringing, that I can kind of understand them.
THIS!
Author:  fufe [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
The Kidd!! wrote:
So telling that the teacher would share that with YOU. :geek:
I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean there, that I was supposed to hear it ?
Author:  Altair [ Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: First results of mental pushups...
The Kidd!! wrote:
So telling that the teacher would share that with YOU. :geek:
:?
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