Natural Freedom

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:30 pm 
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Here's a link to a poem that was implemented into one of my favorite movies, Coach Carter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybt8wXIahQU

I've heard this poem before and always thought it was awesome if it was true. Here's insecure and needy me, scared of the world and about fitting in. How convenient that my fear is actually a fear of me being awesome, and not the opposite? I wanted to get a tattoo of this for a while, make it my motto, my creed and all that.

Then I started fighting my demons. Realizing that I was actually scared of the negative aspects of me. No longer did I want to get such a dishonest tattoo, which I only wanted for the temporary band-aid hooey coverup of my true issues. I was afraid of everyone. I never got how people could be cool ass dudes with guys around them, but turn into symps when a woman came in. I was frightened of everybody just the same. Fear of abandonment, I called it.

Then I posted a topic and answers by Kidd, Flow, and 'grinus got me thinking. This isn't really about labeling or trying to find the root of the problem. And my demons were only there to protect me, so fighting them was an excercise in futility. It's hard to explain, but trying to get rid of my demons was a sign of insecurity on my part, as well as a distrust of myself. The next phase, then, was about accepting myself, flaws and all, and exploring instead of excavating. Seeing what the fear related to, where I applied it instead of getting rid of it. Trusting myself basically. Here I kept telling myself that the problem was in me (there is no spoon), but never accepted the fact. Surface level bullshitting.

So a couple of days of allowing were next. A lot of things came up. I realized that a majority of problems persisted, despite the fact that I've been here for almost a year, because of the intention of becoming the perfect me. I had to be perfect in order for the world to accept me. Or for me to accept myself. I kept pushing down demons that should've been let out so that I could block myself from sabotaging shit. A perfect example of this was writing posts like these, and refreshing the forums every hour to check if you guys approved. The same thing, with different manifestations and in different scenarios with different people, kept happening. Distant to seem cool. Open and allowing to get people to like me. To finally be accepted.

Another thing I realized was my immediate tensing up whenever I was around anybody. Even my own family and closest friends. Every single moment was a chance for people to cast me to living hell with disapproval. I let that be and started to experiment with the energy, feeling it out, realizing why it was happening.

Then a sort of revelation came over me today. My childhood, being free and without worry, unattatched, would lead to people feeling uncomfortable and insecure. My parents' and my family's discomfort was then projected onto me, as if I was the problem. Naturally, I tried to correct this.

Later on, I moved to the U.S. 1st grade. I HAD to fit in. I didn't know a word of English and there were hundreds of people, all ready to feel insecure the moment I stopped paying attention to them. I moved around a ton during my life, and each time, this situation repeated itself. It got ingrained deep, deep in my mind.

So the fears of others, coupled with my own fears, led me down this road. Naturally, people who see that you're willing to bend over if they are so inclined, will take advantage of the fact. At first, I was angry about this. But it really is the way of the world.

So yes, my greatest fear was that I was powerful beyond measure. My light did frighten me. I was scared of having my best self fuck up other people's emotional state, thereby screwing me over. And instead of digging deep into this fear and letting it tell me what the problem was, I tried to cover it up.

No amount of reading about the matrix would change this. Now that I think that the energy is starting to drift away, things about the matrix - at first the cause of anger, and now just facts that I've learned and have little to no attatchment to. Like gravity.

Another thing. I always hated the fact that I never felt fully American, or fully Slovak. Those are two completely different mentalities, and I never truly fit in in either country. I HATED this so so much. Now I'm just glad. I am truly unique and I love it. And I'd hate to be part of a crowd. For the first time in my life, I'm starting to feel grateful for the things that are in it. I can improve a lot about it, but I'm pretty well set. I'm starting to like myself as well. Honest love instead of what I was calling the fact that I was closing myself off near people.

This is all really trippy still, and kind of strange to take in, but I finally feel like I'm walking down the right path. The honest one. I'm not perfect, and don't know if I'll ever be, but slowly and surely, I feel the marble coming off me, being sculpted into what was already there, but what I needed to form.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 5:57 pm 
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Excellent 8-)

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING. :ugeek:

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:49 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:28 pm
Posts: 175
To steal G's quote from his signature,

"In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away."

We are stripping away all the societal Bullshit conditioning so the only thing that's left is the REAL you. The road can be long and often difficult, but it is well worth the effort. Take a quick glance behind & you'll see how truly far you've come....

Also, if this road were easy, you'd see many others right there along with you walk. Alas, it is not easy and the road is clear. Have patience and keep walking.

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"Truth is not something that can be truly and deeply understood by having it spoon-fed to you." - Adyashanti


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:51 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 11:28 pm
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BTW that is a great movie :mrgreen:

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"Truth is not something that can be truly and deeply understood by having it spoon-fed to you." - Adyashanti


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 4:35 am 
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Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2012 8:51 am
Posts: 85
Props on facing your shit head on, indeed it isn't a short-cut by any means. If so, there wouldn't be such a mass demand for anti-depressants, cigarettes, and the like.

Going through the process right now and the emotions aren't gratifying to say the least.
But it's a must, I refuse to go through the self destructive fazes my parents have.

Imo, this path reaps more benefits than just women.

Good luck and see you on the other side. 8-)

_________________
And what is fear of need but need itself?


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