There's so much anger inside of me. Much, if not all, is geared at myself. Angry at about my life. Angry about myself. Angry at taking shit. Angry at feeling inadequate. Angry at not getting it. Angry at what I could be. There so much anger that its painful.
My current life status is isolated and lonely. I'm out and social in school, but inside I'm somewhere else; in my cave. Maybe it's my fault for not leaving my cave (internally) and being wherever I am when I'm out and about. I'm not sure.
I do know I'm so angry at times that I visualize getting into fights with people I don't even know. I visualize starting shit and laying some blows full force on them. Sometimes I wish someone would start something with me and swing the first swing. I've never started a fight. However, on the courts I've been stepping up to trash talkers and cheaters more and more. I can feel my vibe is just one with ANGER and UNCOMFORT.
When walking sometimes on campus or anywhere I just have this feeling of destroying something! Throw my phone against a wall and destroy it! I've never done it; I come to my senses and don't ride the emotion all the way.
When I was doing my meditation challenge I was feeling a lot of pain within. If I remember correctly I shed a tear almost every meditation session (one or two tears would fall off my eye and runs its way down my cheek).
This is an embarrassing story, but a few months ago I was heavy in my internal conflicts and got smashed one night at bar (so much internal pain that I needed a break). Practically was blacked out drunk that night. I remember macking on some ladies in the beginning. Then I had some shots bought for me and I can't remember the rest. I lost my shit. My roomies told me this girl called me a creep at the end of the night.
I don't remember wtf I said or did. I was dancing with a hoe when in the beginning, but by the end of the night I got kicked out of the bar for a reason I don't remember (maybe the chick or something else). Worst was yet to come...I remembering being super angry. I thought I lost my phone and was super angry about that, but deeper down I was angry at myself and the thought of losing my phone + the alcohol just let me let it out more than usual. I brought home a god dam sign with the POLE and all that night off the streets (pulled it out of the f'in ground). I remember it couldn't fit in the elevator, so I dragged that shit up the stairs by myself and brought it home!
(it's funny to hear such a thing happen, but it sucks being the one to have done it and the whole incident just caused a bunch of problems). It was a rough night to say it GENTLY, and this was my first clear sign that I had some deep anger issues. Right now I'm just an angry quiet person who goes by the alias TheDude.
I can sense my anger is cumulative over the years of my life.
Any advice on how to dissolve the anger I feel? My worry is that if I recognize (feel fully) my emotion of anger that I will maybe go out of control (fuck shit up) and not have control.
Simple and to the point; like life.