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 Post subject: ANGER
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:00 am 
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Location: USA
There's so much anger inside of me. Much, if not all, is geared at myself. Angry at about my life. Angry about myself. Angry at taking shit. Angry at feeling inadequate. Angry at not getting it. Angry at what I could be. There so much anger that its painful. :!:

My current life status is isolated and lonely. I'm out and social in school, but inside I'm somewhere else; in my cave. Maybe it's my fault for not leaving my cave (internally) and being wherever I am when I'm out and about. I'm not sure.

I do know I'm so angry at times that I visualize getting into fights with people I don't even know. I visualize starting shit and laying some blows full force on them. Sometimes I wish someone would start something with me and swing the first swing. I've never started a fight. However, on the courts I've been stepping up to trash talkers and cheaters more and more. I can feel my vibe is just one with ANGER and UNCOMFORT.

When walking sometimes on campus or anywhere I just have this feeling of destroying something! Throw my phone against a wall and destroy it! I've never done it; I come to my senses and don't ride the emotion all the way.

When I was doing my meditation challenge I was feeling a lot of pain within. If I remember correctly I shed a tear almost every meditation session (one or two tears would fall off my eye and runs its way down my cheek).

This is an embarrassing story, but a few months ago I was heavy in my internal conflicts and got smashed one night at bar (so much internal pain that I needed a break). Practically was blacked out drunk that night. I remember macking on some ladies in the beginning. Then I had some shots bought for me and I can't remember the rest. I lost my shit. My roomies told me this girl called me a creep at the end of the night. :oops: I don't remember wtf I said or did. I was dancing with a hoe when in the beginning, but by the end of the night I got kicked out of the bar for a reason I don't remember (maybe the chick or something else). :oops:

Worst was yet to come...I remembering being super angry. I thought I lost my phone and was super angry about that, but deeper down I was angry at myself and the thought of losing my phone + the alcohol just let me let it out more than usual. I brought home a god dam sign with the POLE and all that night off the streets (pulled it out of the f'in ground). I remember it couldn't fit in the elevator, so I dragged that shit up the stairs by myself and brought it home! :oops: (it's funny to hear such a thing happen, but it sucks being the one to have done it and the whole incident just caused a bunch of problems). It was a rough night to say it GENTLY, and this was my first clear sign that I had some deep anger issues.

Right now I'm just an angry quiet person who goes by the alias TheDude.

I can sense my anger is cumulative over the years of my life.

Any advice on how to dissolve the anger I feel? My worry is that if I recognize (feel fully) my emotion of anger that I will maybe go out of control (fuck shit up) and not have control.


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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:11 am 
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Well as i am doing mental pushups now i found my source of anger - illusion of control over external factors. When I understood it, integrated it it really went away. Also few days ago I had my final hormones examination results and it really made sense:)

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Laying on the floor in a pool of blood and cum
My demons lay beside as I kiss them one by one
Then on that day I met a force that nothing will compare
I was born the son of evil when I fuck the devil there!


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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 1:13 pm 
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My advice is to do the opposite of what you wanted to with that cave - go deeper into it instead of trying to get out. I am going through some crazy internal shit right now as well and I know (or think I know) what the culprits are, but trying to get rid of them is folly.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.


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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:34 pm 
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rekieter wrote:
Well as i am doing mental pushups now i found my source of anger - illusion of control over external factors. When I understood it, integrated it it really went away. Also few days ago I had my final hormones examination results and it really made sense:)
Same excersice yesterday but didn't found nothing, I just had a gross dream of some acquaintance of mine that is funny as hell he had a pair of ticks in the inner corners of his eyes.

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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:30 pm 
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to be so angry all the time, seems as if you have some real emotional and or psychological situations. you need to examine the source of your anger. what is it that you want to prove by wishing someone would start something with you? you need to channel your anger positively.
... if you have time you should try some Martial Arts

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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:21 pm 
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Prodigy wrote:
to be so angry all the time, seems as if you have some real emotional and or psychological situations. you need to examine the source of your anger. what is it that you want to prove by wishing someone would start something with you? you need to channel your anger positively.
... if you have time you should try some Martial Arts
The source of it is from doing myself wrong many times. Like the fly bumping its head repeatedly into the window expecting a different result.

I do have some childhood pains that need to be addressed if I am to proceed on this journey. I realized a few nights ago I haven't made the choice to be on this journey. Instead, I've shown up and sort of had one foot in and one foot out. I fear'ed commitment and was over-thinking.

Alan Watts spoke of a Master answering a student on the way of Zen: "Master what is the Way?" his reply: "GO". :geek: Simple and to the point; like life.

How do you channel your anger positively?


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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:30 pm 
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Quote:
How do you channel your anger positively?
You just decide to do precisely that. :geek:

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING. :ugeek:

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 Post subject: Re: ANGER
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 8:04 am
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Once again over-complicating life. It's really that simple...you just do it. Thxs Boss.

I'm not sure how you put up will all are squandering all the time. ;)


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