Meditation Notes
Objective: TO BE IN THE MOMENT; WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE MOMENT.
Day 1 (12/7/12)
First day of meditation workout and decided to have my sit down mediation on the fourth floor of the school library. Felt immediate tension in abdomen and weighing down feeling near my heart region. I will begin to explore both areas more. I set a timer for 15 minutes, but found myself agitated and stopped at 13.5 minutes.
Day 2 (12/8/12)
Second day and can definitely say I went with the flow in this meditation. Let things arise and went with them like riding a wave to the shore. Felt more of a flow in my body, and even began to feel the tension in my gut loosen; it could be a “control” issue I have that’s causing so much tension in my gut. I also set a 15 minute timer and finished all 15 minutes, even though during the last bit I was uneasy and mental chatter was high. Feel good!
Day 3 (12/9/12)
I had trouble getting in the “zone” today. It proved difficult to let go of my thoughts and all, and just flow. I did manage to go through 15 minutes, while still feeling antsy toward the end. I have a feeling I need to spend more time on QUALITY and NOT quantity in life if I want to see quality things in life. Make sense? I pack too much for one day sometimes.
Day 4 (12/10/12)
I found it hard today to empty my attachment to my thoughts and relax. I had a lot coming and going. Towards the end I began to focus my awareness on the breath, and that seemed to relax me a bit. It’s proving hard for me to “let go” and be, so I will begin with that approach tomorrow and see how it works. Finished a 15 minutes session again.
Day 5 (12/11/12)
Today’s meditation was more relaxing than others. I read up on an article about mindfulness meditation out of curiosity:
http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?o ... ew&id=2125
I began meditating with a slight gaze. I focused on an object in front of me. I then focused on my breath and it turned out to be quiet relaxing. I almost fell asleep while doing this, so I switched to closed eyes and still focused on my breath. I played around with both styles, but finished with an open gaze. My session was 10 minutes today.
Day 6 (12/12/12)
I started the meditation with some soothing background music I like; mostly instrumental. I went most of the way with eyes closed and focused on my breath. At some point I felt a sort of oneness with my thoughts and body and things flowed; in this moment time was an illusion. Toward the end I practiced the meditation with a slightly opened gaze and focused on one thing while still focusing on my breath as well. Finished 15 minutes, and today I wasn’t fidgety towards the end…it sort of just came and I was done with the session.
Day 7 (12/13/12)
I finished the entire 13 minutes meditation with an open gaze and my conclusion is, open gaze is not for me. I will complete a closed eye meditation for the remainder of the 30 days. Nothing much to write about today other than that.
Day 8 (12/14/12)
I sat down for 15 minutes day and first began with a few deep breaths in and out to relax. It proved helpful for me. Afterwards I focused on my natural breath. It’s finals week so I have a lot going through my mind, but nonetheless I was still able to bring my focus on my breath. The 15 minute duration of me getting antsy toward the end is dissipating. Instead of thinking “how much time I have left” the timer suddenly went off and I was like “oh I’m done”. Meditation is great exercise for the mind. I am grateful I went 8 days thus far.
Day 9 (12/15/12)
I did a 10 minute eyes closed meditation. I’m going to do the rest of my meditations that way: eyes closed. The time will vary, but the eyes closed will stay the same.
I noticed a lot of tension in my body this session, especially in the shoulders. It was interesting that when my session ended I had teary eyes, as if I was crying. Funny thing is I do believe I have a lot of backed up emotion that is waiting to come out; crying. I just seem to like to hold onto it, and this is something that right now I can’t seem to LET IT GO. I want to, but it seems like deep down I don’t want to, because I’m so attached to it. Picking layers of the onion, one layer at a time.
Day 10 (12/16/12)
I almost skipped today’s session, but I got out of bed and did work. I started this session with a few minutes of stretching with a foam roller beforehand (it proved to help with feeling more of my body during meditation).
In this session I decided to go into my tense stomach I wrote a lot about in earlier sessions. I went into the feeling and just stayed there. At one point I had some wicked nightmare’ish pictures pop into my head. One was a bunch of hands pulling down a tyrant from his throne. The other was that of something that resembled the Witch King of Angmar from Lord of the Rings; a bit terrifying. My hunch about these vivid pictures that I saw are correlated to a deep FEAR I have of Letting Go. I try to control so much of my life. It will be interesting to go deeper into the feeling next session.
Day 11 (12/17/12)
Today's session was the first session where a tear actually fell to my cheek. This would be the closest i came to crying since a family member passed away few months back. Meditation as planned; 10 minutes eyes closed. There is a great deal of pain I'm storing in my body.
Day 12 (12/18/12)
I did a 10 minute sit down meditation in the morning. Fully became aware of my tense body; lots of pain in there. Within no time my eyes started to water which I'm viewing as a sign to LET GO of some issues (which I will do as soon as Finals are done tomorrow). I've also abstained from masturbation & porn, because I feel I was addicted to it; a coping method I used to leave reality. It's been 22 days, which I'm very proud of, and only the past few days have been ridiculously difficult! All in all meditation has helped relaxed my fucking stressed life thus far.
Day 13 (12/19/12)
Quick 10 minute session with nothing much too really write about.
Day 14 (12/20/12)
I decided to do a 20 minute session today after revisiting old threads on NaturalF. I wasn’t satisfied with the session. I wasn’t able to let go and get centered. I should’ve stretched before hand to become more aware of my body. It’s nice, however, to see I have the ability to stand still for 20 minutes. I may go for another 10 or 15 minute sessions. If I do you will see another post for today.
Day 15 (12/21/22)
I did a 10 minute sit down. It was so-so. I had watery eyes toward the end again which just proves I have a lot of undealt pain and emotions backed up.
I also tried the GP Walsh Just Allow It mp3 and I like it. It’s relaxing. It’s roughly 15 minutes, but what I noticed was I was scared to let go. Scared to ‘lose control’.
Day 16 (12/22/12)
Practiced a 10 minute sit down. Some feelings came up and instead of pushing them away I felt them. One was a “scared/nervous” feeling. I could see it coming up and when it was out I let it show itself as much as I could; I still feel I am resisting a bit, because I have a deep fear of letting go. I will practice GP Walsh’s JAI later and write about it.
Didn’t practice GP Walsh today.
Day 17 (12/23/12)
My meditation today was that of GP Walsh’s Just Allow It. It was a different approach with different feelings; more of a guided relaxation which was helpful. I didn’t expect much being my first time practicing the extended version. It was relaxing and helped to “feel” and connect within, rather than without. I will practice this much more and mix it up with sitting eyes closed meditations I did earlier on. I will say I enjoyed GP saying allow the feeling with no intention; much like Flow writes in posts on this matter (the apple doesn’t fall far too far from the tree
17 days consistent and I’M PROUD OF MYSELF!
Day 18 (12/24/12)
I practiced with the GP Walsh audio again. This time I had a bunch of shit going on inside of me! It was like a war zone with thoughts popping up left in right. It was crazy! I could feel a bunch of FEAR inside. My dad’s a scared man which makes me believe I picked up that trait from him. I will be getting on the train today, so I will practice this meditation again today.
I had another session with GP’s mp3 on the train and it was relaxing. Too soon to post anything major, but it is a nice supplement to add onto my alone sit down meditations.
Day 19 (12/25/12)
(1) Today I used GP’s Just Allow It mp3. It’s been a nice fit for me. I realized that before I would focus on the body, but not FEEL it. I would instead focus on say, the stomach, and then have thoughts about the stomach with intermittent moments of feeling it. GP’s guided mp3 helped doing what it says “Allowing”. I felt the feeling instead of thinking about feeling it; huge difference. I can sense I resistance still. I would like to LET GO more than I am. Hopefully in due time I’ll LET GO.
(2) I sat down for another session today. This time I did the regular sit down w/o GP Walsh and just let things arise. I like this style and will start doing 2 a days for the rest of my goal: 1 GP session and 1 regular meditation.
The thing I enjoyed about this session is I didn’t have an agenda; which is something that rubbed off from GP’s mp3. I just let things arise and felt them as they came, good or bad. And, in turn, I was more focused inward and aware of what was happening without pushing them away (from having an agenda).
I enjoy the meditations without GP, because it allows me to my mind and go ‘in’ by myself. “We are born alone, and we’ll die alone.”
Day 20 (12/26/12)
(1) I began my day with GP Walsh. The only thing I can think about writing is a certain thought that arose: my rebellious attitude to authority or teachers. The thought was something like: how would you know GP? I’ll have to look into that and see where it stems from, because it isn’t always beneficial to me.
After thought: I think more than I know.
(2) My silent sit down meditation was relaxing. I allowed, to my ability, to let things come up without interruption. It’s interesting to become aware of how much I TRY to control my life. I’m beginning to feel the tension in my gut is correlated to my intense fear of letting go of the steering wheel so-to-say. I did a small 10 minute sit down, because it’s getting close to bed time.
I’d say even though this started as a goal, and more so to keep my word to myself if I say I’m going to do something, now it’s transgressed into learning how to be in the moment and allowing things as they come; mind training to welcome the body and flow.
Day 21 (12/27/12)
(1) GP Walsh. Toward the end of the meditation I had a few thoughts of CONTROL. I TRY to control my life so much. It was nice to become even more aware of that in this meditation. This is a main reason why I’m so anxious and nervous in public events; have no control on the external (how people will treat me, what will happen, what others will do).
Day 22 (12/28/12)
(1) GP Walsh. Meditation was solid. Thoughts and feelings arose. The saying “whatever you RESIT will PERSIT” came up which led me to release and feel even more. I won’t be able to do my second meditation, because I procrastinated a bit and me and my lady friend are going out to fool around tonight.
Day 23 (12/29/12)
Took the day off.
Day 24 (12/30/12)
(1) GP Walsh. I had an enjoyable slash relaxing experience today. After taking a walk in the park today while listening to Alan Watts Out of Your Mind I had a better perspective of the mind going into today’ session. Before I would begin to feel the feeling and have my mind interrupt, “my gut feels tense”. In this session I disregarded the thought and went back to the feeling. GP says the same thing in the audio, but I guess I wasn’t ready to Let Go and Experience the moment. Realization: I think too much. I think I think too much. I am too identified with my mind.
(2) I smoked some herb late last night after a few weeks and had a sit down meditation. I was interesting to sum it up. I sat down for 20 or 25 minutes. Nothing more came from it to write anything else down.
Day 25 (12/31/12)
(1) GP Walsh. I found that I go into meditation with an agenda at times; ie: emphasis of dissolving the tension in my abdomen. This has to do with me NOT letting go and trusting in the process. The times that I can remember having a great relaxing sessions have been the times where I wanted nothing going in. Metaphorically I let go and enjoyed the ride. Actually, remembering on times when I had the best times in LIFE have been when I expected nothing; the irony.
A bigger thing that is connected to this is also how bad I WANT to let go of my old me. I’m seeing that I WANT it so bad that I end up getting in my own way. I’ll have to find some balance in this all.
On a different note, I downplay my progress. Today I realized how much easier it is to quiet my mind. Within a minute or two my attention is focused within with minimal mind chatter. It’s nice to see some progress.
Day 26 (1/1/13)
Took the day off.
Day 27 (1/2/13)
I was a bit quick to make my earlier decision on meditating twice in a day. It was my ego that made that decision. It had thought that more would be better. That’s not the case with meditation though.
“Force will be met with force. Flow and let flow.”
This meditation, today, was a rollercoaster ride. Not in the sense of finding it difficult to quiet down. More in the places I went through the 20 minutes. I felt an array of feelings and emotions. Tears came down my eyes. I felt glimpses of a release coming on that would have me excited. However, my excitement brought with it expectation which filled the SPACE.
Day 28 (1/3/13)
There were a lot of things flying around in the mind today. It was difficult to quiet down, so I went back to basics and focused on the natural breathe; in and out. I’ve lost a little bit of focus and have started to have intention’s going into meditation: working on LETTING GO. This approach is getting in the way of having a relaxing meditation. Instead, I need to remind myself tomorrow: sit, be quiet, and relax.
Day 29 (1/4/13)
I had a 15 minute sit down today with all my awareness on my breathe. Overall, it was much more relaxing then the day before. When I focused on my breathe things would naturally come up, some more “potent” than others. By potent I mean some things that come up resonate deeper than others. There are some things that come up that make complete sense, however they’re hard to articulate in this journal. I will do my best at what I found today:
Today I found it interesting that my inability to LET GO of things are connected with how identified I am with my past. It’s almost as if I am continuously running away from my past, because I disliked myself so much back then.
Day 30 (1/5/13)
I had a 15 minute sit down and let things come out. At one point I felt euphoric and “dazed” sort of. I’m a little sick so it was difficult breathing regularly, but I soon got over that I was able to relax.
And this brings an end to my 30 day challenge.
*Standing up and taking a well deserved bow*
It was tough, relaxing, uncomfortable, and beneficial all together. Happy I did it.
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