Natural Freedom

I've recently had a thorough reassessment of my life and experiences, more intensely than in the past.

I'm in a good spot right now in my life but I am not comfortable and this is good, because I know it could be so much better, even whilst I'm realizing my potential. I have always been somewhat complacent when things have gone well, too comfortable to make other plans if things go south (despite my history always proving to me that it will happen) and that has always led to a feeling of helplessness until I eventually snap out of it and take charge, that feeling of complacency is now gone. These recent reflections have forced me to unlock deeper layers and make me take another brutally honest look at myself.

A good portion of the unfair treatment I got from people in my life was through my own doing, as 'Grinus said once: I encouraged that behavior from people with my neediness and mindset. I wasted my youth due to my debilitating perspective and unnecessarily negative view of myself and life, but I didn't know I had the choice and the power to turn things around, to use these unfortunate situations to my advantage, I closed myself off to so many opportunities to grow as a person and develop essential life skills. I developed that ability later in life after my brush with death, even after that it took me some time to get my mind straight.

I can clearly see where I could have done things different and where I fucked up, but rather than lament I accept what happened and learn from it. I can now draw upon these experiences to learn from them and grow, rather than beat myself up about it, it's becoming easier to forgive myself for not being the person I wanted to be back then, because at least I am headed in that direction now. This is huge for me because it's another barrier broken that I did not see, even though it's glaringly obvious now.

I was pissed at my parents for so long, I still am but much less than before. I woke up early this morning thinking about the kind of people they are and I can understand why they acted the way they did etc., much of that resentment towards them is now gone. I grew up with a rather rigid mindset which has always gotten in the way and made me act a damn fool, I'm closer to that shade of grey now, there's still some ironing to be done on the creases or whatever but compared to how I was, it's a massive improvement.

It seems I am learning the same lessons over and over, but on a deeper level each time, they're all different yet it's all connected. Shit's about to get real, in a good way, that's my gut feeling now.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."