Natural Freedom

Just a quick little update in between study sessions. I've come to terms with the fact that happiness/freedom will never come from external sources. Stripping everything back and looking back at myself, I can see why I always went in a loop. I was circling around my own self-hate/self-loathing, which I tried to cover up with a whole bunch of stuff. I'm finally ready to deal with it and come to terms with what caused it (although I don't know what...yet). If any of you guys have experience in the matter, it'd be greatly appreciated.

That's part of the reason why I was always enamored to find the next reason why you shouldn't be attached to other people and why you should let go - it sounded so great and yet so unattainable. Well, it's actually very simple once you get past yourself. But I have to take that step on my own. It's not that having a pimp-tight mentality is within me, that all the tools I need are in me. I'd sooner say that everything blocking me from being the free me is inside me. I'm getting a feeling that it's all about deconstruction, rather than creating myself. At least for the time being.

On a completely unrelated note, I've decided to quit weed/alcohol/caffeine/cigarettes. The plan was an initial detox for late November/December, but other than weed, I think I'm done with the other three for a very long time. It's kinda funny, but Kendrick Lamar's song, Swimming Pools, really struck a chord with me ("You believe that your relief lies in the bottom of a bottle or that green Indus leaf") I've begun hitting the weights and added running, am studying a fuck-ton at university and am going to start working on a business idea I've had for a while once funds come to my bank account (tomorrow!), and am generally trying to work on myself. It takes Bruce Wayne-like discipline and I'm doing shit I've never even considered doing before to advance and work on myself, but it's a direction my life needs to take to set myself up for a happy adulthood.

Focusing on women is at priority negative one.

This came out as way more of a diary entry than I envisioned, but I wanted to give you guys and update. Other than replying to any advice/tips you guys might have, it's back to my hiatus. Peace.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

It's an important step...once you acknowledge and own what you don't like about yourself, you can then start working like hell to fix it. You are on the path to becoming your own best friend...see it to fruition and you shall reap desirable side effects.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

THIS

Happiness is your default state.
You might stumble upon it when you stop looking for it everywhere.
Your self-hate self-loathing resides in the fact that you're not living up to the standards you innately know you should live by.
It's up to you to live your life as it pleases you.
Just a matter of knowing your standards, commitment to getting them no matter what.

Just watch the result of this mindset.
Reminds me of "I don't worry about pussy, pussy worries about me" Kidd quote

PS : And it's just now I realize Kidd and rant have already said it all ...

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler

Many people would think it's really dark that I got a smile on my face just looking at the title of this thread -- keep going and you will soon understand why.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4

It's like cleaning your house when you pull everything out its messier until you organize everything and put it away.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

See signature below

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Although the self-loathing is something I picked up from various sourced and not really based on any concrete things, I'm already seeing small changes now that I'm focusing on improving myself.
This is very, very true.

I'm glad you guys agree on the deconstruction part. Morpheus, your analogy was spot on.

As I did some thinking yesterday, I realized that what a part of the self-hate may be is something I picked up from my parents (I know I rag about them often but hear me out). I was taught that if I ever asserted myself and didn't cater to other's world view, I'd be hurting them. And hurting people is something I never want to do and am always afraid of - even when I have nightmares, it's usually about me letting somebody down, mistakenly destroying their property or w/e. So me actually living my life is supposed to be bad, and I should feel bad when I do do it. Not to mention the expected social retribution - i.e. I make people feel bad, then they'll be angry at me and everybody will hate me. Like I'm not allowed to be myself, that it's wrong.

It's all bullshit, and yesterday was the 1st time I actually saw through it. I can actually see myself going through this though process now and hopefully I don't revert back to old patterns. But things are finally looking up.

Using Morpheus' analogy - it's like I started cleaning the house because something was smelly inside. After messing it all up and stripping it down, I can see it's something I laid there in the first place. Now I can clean it up and lay shit back the way it's supposed to be.

And as usual, thanks for the replies. Always appreciated.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

Moose, no need to reply to this post from yours truly; continue your hiatus (it's important!). I just wanted to thank you for this: This is something I have a HUGE problem with as well, and have been visualising whilst meditating. Well said!

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"