I have been doing some refelction and inner work lately. I noticed some changes in the last couple of days, so i would like to share it with you.
While observing myself for the last couple of weeks, i noticed that whenever i am in a public place, there's something that bothers me. This thing went on until i decided to deal with it. So i took some time alone in my room, relaxed and focused on being honest with myself, and then started with this journey.
I started with asking myself, why do i feel bothered? I figured out that it was because i was seeking attention. You see, since i noticed that the stuff being taught here suits me, i kept changing and still am changing until now, especially my looks. I go often to the gym, and have lost weight and gained muscle. So, i was seeking attention from people (especially girls) as a reward for my work.
But this wasn't all. Something told me there was a deeper reason that i had to look for. So i continued. I asked myself where does this need for attention come from? Experiences from my past started being represented to me. At this point i was almost completely disconnected from my surroundings, all my focus was inside of my head, digging deeper and looking. Until one moment, where i saw my teenage self in high school (i'm 25 now). Back there i was literally THE king. I was very popular, very successful in every aspect. I was being showered with attention all the time. Sometimes i would even walk by a group of girls and know that it's me who they start whispering to each other about.
I knew i have addressed the issue, now i had to break it down in pieces. I compared my situation now, with the one in high school. I realised that they are very different and that environmental factors play a very important role (i could mention the details if anyone is interested). Me wanting the same outcome from two completely different situations didn't make sense to me. This was the point where i just accepted this, and let the issue go. After that i just stopped everything and went to sleep.
So i wake up, for what's going to be the start of a very promising week
. I shower and have my breakfast, and prepare myself to leave to get some business done. I look in the mirror and i am satisfied with my looks and the progress i'm making, and this isn't really something new.A couple of minutes later, i was already in the city center, a public and crowded place. I observed myself, and i noticed that this time i was actually relaxed. That voice inside of my head that kept telling my "Hey, check this girl out, may be she will look back at you and give you some attention!", this voice was gone. Most of the time i was just being in the moment, being aware of my surroundings, noticing what's happening around me without describing it in my head or thinking about it. At this point i realised two things:
1- I stopped wanting attention.
2- Me being satisfied with my looks and progress was more than enough for me. Here i realised that when it's about me, my looks, my personality or anything else that concerns me, the only opinion that really matters is mine. And the only person i have to prove anything to is myself.
This had a huge impact on me. I believe this was also the reason for the couple of little stories i still have to tell. I will post them in a different thread soon.
