So.. I began practically with choice. I choosed that I'm going to believe that at some point my life is going to turn out for the better (health, money, girls..) - Even if it just would've been just unreal hope, I accepted that I may not have a control over what happens in my life, but at least I'm going to think and believe as if everything has it purpose and only thing I can do is hope for the best, expect the worst and do the best I can.. And everything is a matter of time.
Job offers and oppurtunities to make money started to show up recently, so my financial situation is better, and is probably going to be even better, if everything goes fine.
I found a way to work with my health (rediscovered, practically), so I'm able to influence my health big time, finally.
I met a new girl recently, she seems interesting to me so far... I don't know much yet, so time will show.
Before meeting that girl I accepted that meeting a girl I'd like may take days, months, even years and being ok with it.
A story for you:
Yesterday I went shopping for some food, I met on the parkbench a friend with his new dog, so I talked to him, played with the dog, talked about it.. Conversation lead soon to our friends, and he mentioned a party at one guy's house, when a drunk dude was really annoying overall and he kept on telling shit to a girl (Let's call her K.)
I said "Yeah, K. was so annoyed, she almost wanted to kill him
"Friend then said "I'm surprised that you didn't want to kill him. If I can remeber correctly, you liked her."
I replied to him "That's true, but what has been between K. am me practically ended some time later, so I don't really think about it."
We talked other stuff, then I bid him farewell and left to buy some food.
Few hours later, out of the blue that girl texted me, that she's bored at home and she doesn't want to stay there all weekend, so she asked me if she could take a train here and visit some of our mutual friends with me. So I said Ok, I had in moment a plan who to visit, a friend who lives nearby and his girlfriend I like to talk to, since we share interest in history of art, so I told K. she can come and I'll pick her on the train station (She doesn't remeber our town well yet)
So we spent the day at friend's place, talking all day - I had fun, I got to learn new things, regarding history of art, and other stuff, I read a book on making cocktails friend got at his place etc.. I felt everything is okay and as it should be practically. Then I and K. left, she happened to sleep at my place somehow, didn't plan that, it just went as it had by itself somehow..
So we watched two movies, the first was just a background for our conversation from beggining to end.. Then we decided to watch the extended version of LOTR trilogy, Two towers and the Return of the king.
But we still talked pretty much all the time, till 4. AM.. Then we went to sleep.. We slept practically few inches of each other, but I didn't really thought about touching her or anything and it seemes she didn't either.
Next day we proceed on watching LOTR, then I go with her to the train station and she tooks a train home.
It seems to me, that universe itself reacts to indiferrence.
The girl told me, she practically broke up with her boyfriend, since she didn't heard from him for about three weeks.. Maybe I could have get physical with her, maybe not, I don't know and I don't mind it happening or not - I was satisfied with the weekend just talking and connecting with these people.
I also felt a strange connection with this girl - The most accurate way I could describe it, would be something of liking to be with the person, talking to them, listening to them, enjoying their pressence, feeling safe with them.. This happens to some girls I had at some point of time not neccesarily sex, but something close to that.. And it's not like I have to have sex with them or anything, I just develop this bond with them.. I don't mind never seeing them again, but I like to see them sometime.
Is that indifference ?
I have a little different bond with some male friends too, but it's more about supporting each other in what we do, talking etc.
A person must share some really personal stories with me tho, for this bond to make itself.
And after the meeting with such a preson I almost always feel something I'd describe as stillness..
I don't know if writing this is of any use, it's not really "help please" post, but if you'd like post your thoughts aand opinions..
. But hey this is good though for the most part sounds like you're returning to the fufe everyone knows and loves the more confident sure of himself fufe