The more they have going for themselves, the less work they HAVE to do. Plus, you're not privy to the behind the scenes action...meaning you don't know what they did or had to go thru to get to that point.

If you ever saw me in motion, you would think I just had it like this since birth...and that couldn't be after from the truth.

And comparing yourself to those you think have it easy is no good. So is comparing yourself to those who have nothing.

I've been addicted to women basically since I can remember..

what do you mean by this^^
addicted to female attention?
to sex?
to what exactly?

it feels right.. feels like something I should be doing

Oh fufe relax...there are PLENTY of masculine-ish women out there...just look for tomboys.

You should probably date softball chicks.

So for copping, we're playing the female role. How can I miss this!!??

Oh fufe relax...there are PLENTY of masculine-ish women out there...just look for tomboys.

You should probably date softball chicks.

Because it was right in front of your eyes, it was sitting there in plain sight, it was too obvious.

Reminds me of the expression: Cannot see the wood for the trees.

Our earliest attachments provide the templates for our subsequent relationships. As a result, we repeat relationship patterns throughout our lives. Because they are present from the beginning, these patterns can be as invisible to us as water to a fish.

Caroline, a woman in her late 30s, is elegant, educated, and successful. She carries herself with a regal bearing and looks and dresses like a Vogue model. She is pursued by the kind of men most women only fantasize about. Yet she is lonely. She has been unable to keep an intimate relationship and she suffers from bouts of depression.

Caroline has attempted therapy several times. She says, unhappily, that it has never changed anything, and the therapists always end up wanting her approval.

Colleagues trained in CBT and other “evidence-based” therapies rarely attach much significance to Caroline’s comment about her past therapy relationships. Some venture Caroline may need a secure therapist who won’t be intimidated by her looks or status.

It is irrelevant whether Caroline’s therapist is personally secure or insecure. She doesn’t need a secure therapist. She needs a therapist with the self-awareness and courage to notice that twinge of insecurity in Caroline’s presence, treat it as information, and use it in the service of understanding.

Such a therapist might say: “You know, you have come here for my help and yet in many of our interactions, I am aware of a vague feeling of wanting to impress you or gain your approval, which of course doesn’t help you at all. I’m trying to figure out what it means, and whether it could be a window into understanding something about what happens in other relationships. Perhaps this is something that feels familiar to you.”

And there, real therapy may begin.

Caroline could not have described what went wrong in her relationships: The things she did to try to draw others closer were the very things that precluded connection and intimacy. Women were envious or deferential. Men viewed her as a conquest or out of their league. Either way, intimate connection was impossible.

Caroline couldn’t tell her therapist this; she showed him. What the patient does in the room with the therapist reveals lifelong relationship patterns. And in the therapy relationship, these patterns can be recognized, understood, and reworked.

On the tremendous impact of attachment figures (0:25): Human beings are one of the most social organisms and we are acting like people are making decisions independently of the influence of attachment figures. Now, people can do that but the question is do they? About 80% of what we do is done automatically, on cue from the environment or subconsciously, and that behavior is shaped by our attachment figures. And the influence of attachment figures doesn't stop when you turn 5, as the analysts used to think. It goes on and on. And I found, especially dealing with severe family dysfunction and personality disorders, that I was no match. I could coach my patients on how to be assertive for instance, and they would learn it well. But then they go and try to be assertive with their families, and the next week they come back with their tails between their legs. Or they wouldn't do it at all because they were too afraid, they made lame excuses.

On double messages (9:20): For instance, let's say you're a female in your 20s and your mother is constantly on you to get married, because that's the right thing to do. "Why aren't you married girl? What's the matter? You don't wanna end up an old maid." On the other hand, she is always talking about what jerks all men are, including your father. So why would you want to get married if all men are jerks? So in order to keep mother happy, you have to find a way to meet both ends of the contradictory message. So what they might do, for example, is go out with a series of jerks. And whether or not they marry them, would be dependent on other factors like their relationship with their father, or their grandfather, or whatever. So they might marry and then divorce them. So you ask why a woman keeps marrying one alcoholic after another and leaves them, and you ask them "where do you meet them?", and they go "well, in a bar". Well, that's not an accident. Now, you are doing it subconsciously, you don't make a conscious decision to do that. You're just reacting to cues in the environment because they are familiar. You like what's familiar even if it's horribly uncomfortable. Somebody called it familiar discomfort. If we meet somebody that family doesn't have similar issues, the relationship never works out.

Such a therapist might say: “You know, you have come here for my help and yet in many of our interactions, I am aware of a vague feeling of wanting to impress you or gain your approval, which of course doesn’t help you at all. I’m trying to figure out what it means, and whether it could be a window into understanding something about what happens in other relationships. Perhaps this is something that feels familiar to you.”

Caroline couldn’t tell her therapist this; she showed him. What the patient does in the room with the therapist reveals lifelong relationship patterns.