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I've been a part of this forum for this past week, and have had many mind-fuck moments while here. I've started reading "The Manipulated Man" and listened to "The 50th Power" by Robert Greene, and this, plus the posts on this forum, will be the only remaining things on I plan to read for quite a while (too much keyboard jockeying while reading PUA books has been done). I read Kidd's posts, but some if it has seemed confusing and I plan to come back to that.
I've also done some...well, I wouldn't call it meditation, but I've looked into why I feel depressed/disliked whenever those feelings do come. I've realized some things that I didn't see before I came to this forum, and I'd appreciate it if some of you guys that know about this more than I do could comment.
1) Up to now, a large portion of the things I've said, done and the way I've acted have been approval seeking. When I thought about it, a large part of my childhood was spent in different countries, where I was encouraged (by my parents and peers) to seek approval. My happiness was limited to what other people thought of me. If people laughed at my jokes, I felt great. Vice versa, if I felt as if people weren't responding well to me, I felt like a lesser human being. My greatest fear is/was being alone and having everybody hate me.
That stops now. Life's too short to go about and try to please people. I know it's not the way to go going forward, but this past week I've thought about what I was going to say, or what I'd do that day, and see whether I actually wanted to do it, or whether it was something being done or said to gain approval. It was eye opening. When I talk to people now, it's more authentic, and there's no lingering feeling of nervousness (as if I was feeling around to see if the other person likes me). I felt quite sickened with myself for acting like this, but it's time to move forward.
2) Women have the social matrix figured out. They know guys are conditioned to try and chase after them, or try to impress them. Even observing my classroom, I could see guys trying to make girls laugh, or say impressive things, while hoping they get a laugh in return. It's like this unspoken way of going about social interactions in the world, and I haven't seen it up until now. But, moving forward, I will never, ever supplicate or do what I've been doing up until now. There's no reason to - I'm trying to get into an elite university, while balancing school, gym time and practices and my social life. There's no place for pedestals or pussy's. If a great girl comes along that I enjoy being around, great. I feel I now have the basic tools to actually enjoy conversations without thinking about obsolete stupid shit that I've been programmed to, which I'm excited about as well.
3) I have also been way too passive and expectant in every part of my life. I don't know if there's a post about this on here, or whether I just realized this while "meditating", but I've realized that I'm responsible for whatever I get out of life. I've been waiting for good things to come without working or doing anything about them - I'd bitch about the house being filthy without actually cleaning it up myself. That, I think, ties into the 1st part of my post. The same way I wanted to get good shit out of life, I also wanted happiness to just come from an outside source. Everything comes from within, and that needs to get engraved in my brain before I take the next step. So when I feel happy, it'll be because I feel happy from within, not because somebody's paying attention to me or whatever bullshit reasons I had before.
My front and clout have the potential to be great, but I need to put in the effort as well. Same with the mindset change - it'll be a battle, but it's improved a lot and I plan on it continually improving.
If that seemed too confusing, I decided to type this up after I came home from school so I don't forget to post it. Any comments would be great.
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Take it easy, man. But take it.
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