Natural Freedom

If you guys don't mind I'll keep posting my finds here. It's a good reference for myself and maybe others might pick something up from it.

Actually the girl (that I feel I "lost") has nothing to do with it! The feeling comes from within. I give this feeling to myself!

But why? Why would I do this to myself?

I'll have to dig deeper...

Does my subconscious think I somehow gain something from feeling this way? What do I gain from feeling this way?
- Pity from others?
- Is it a subconscious warning to do better next time, with the next girl?

Gonzo

These are great questions to keep asking yourself when you're in a quiet space, you'll undoubtedly open up a can of worms.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."

By all means, carry on.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

I do!

I've been doing the same every night of the month... Sometimes is very tiring, and I start to cry or I get this feeling of tightness in my throath, or I get distracted very fast... It's annoying.

Maybe I will do it in the morning, or when I feel like it.

Keep sharing my friend. Thanks.

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GMST

Okay, some more things came up. Just random thoughts actually. I thought I would find one single cause for these feelings. But it seems more that there are a lot of things causing these feelings and a lot of things are related to it. It's like untying a Gordian knot...

- I feel incomplete. But I'm not incomplete without a girl. I am already complete, always!

- Maybe we feel this way because as a child it served us well if we started crying. Our mother would come and give us food, comfort us or give us a toy or something. We would start crying when we felt bad. So now that we are adults we still start feeling bad if we lose something or someone. Instead of crying however we start supplicating. Only now that we are adults, no one is going to come to bring this particular girl back to us! So it's of no use any more to feel bad about losing someone or something. No one will come to bring it back or comfort us.

- This feeling is part excitement too! Weird...

- If I do somehow want to feel this feeling it's here! It's inside of me. It is actually not caused by a girl, but by myself. I don't need a girl for it! Maybe I could somehow even shape this feeling, throw away the dark negative part of it an keep the excitement! These are my feelings, caused by myself, so I should be able to control them somehow.

Gonzo

I discovered some more about this feeling: it actually consists of 2 parts. Like I said before it is part excitement too. For me it consists of these to parts:

1. Excitement
2. Jealousy

1. Excitement
Being in love actually is kind of a thrill. It feels like you are about to board a roller-coaster. You don't know exactly what to expect. Also it is the same kind of feeling you have just before entering an exam. It's nervousness. Actually this part of the feeling is not that bad. But it still comes down to a subconscious fear. This fear comes from the thought that she is judging me! I am actually afraid of her reaction. So in a way I am are still putting her on a pedestal.

2. Jealousy
This is actually the dark part of this feeling. It's also a kind of nervousness, or actually it is fear. Fear of loss. Fear of losing her to another guy. I get jealous because I think another guy might be better than me, i.e. I am not good enough! So this also comes down to putting her on a pedestal, along with the other guy!

So... it's about time to put myself on a pedestal!

Gonzo