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 Post subject: Supporting vs. Doubting
PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 12:06 am 
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There was a very good film posted in the movies section here a while ago, The Crash Reel.

In essence...Kevin Pearce, world-renown snowboarding professional was at the top of the game. An unfortunate accident in the sport left him near dead and done for. The movie takes you through the moving journey and recovery.

Throughout the film I remember how supportive his family was as a whole. They supported one another, helping each other be the best they could be. It's what I would consider the definition of a 'healthy family'.


being Supportive vs. being Doubtful


(I know we preach being your own best-friend and I'm 100% with that, I would say put that aside while reading this, because I will get back to that.)

Now I'm going to give some examples to help get to my point(s) across.

Imagine your about to make a 'big' shift in your life, one that the family will know about (moving, school, work, marriage, etc). You've considered it thoroughly with yourself and it's what you want to do.

Now, you run it through your family (I'm going to make the examples somewhat extreme to emphasize the point):


[Response A]

You: Mom and Dad I've decided to quit school, sell my things and move to India to create an organization to help the hungry and impoverish.

Dad: Are you sure about this?

Mom: WHAT! Why??

---

[Response B]

You: Mom and Dad I've decided to quit school, sell my things and move to India to create an organization to help the hungry and impoverish.

Dad: Wow! That's great! What made you think of doing this?!

Mom: I'm so proud of you!



Two different responses with two different meanings and different vibes given off. The first response is what I would consider "doubting". The family has little belief and trust in their child. They most probably doubt themselves, which is why they doubt their child and others.

The other response, response B, is what I consider being "supportive". The family trusts in their child, believing they have raised them 'correctly' and they will do what's best for themselves. Opposite from before, the parents most probably trust themselves, which reflects into their trust for their child.

Compounding this over many years, can you imagine the results of raising a child in these two different ways?

In the first example I would imagine you most likely would have a child 2nd guess themselves by default due to constant 2nd guessing from their "supporting cast", their family. The child is less-able to think for themselves and be independent.

In the second example I would imagine you would have a child who believes and trust in themselves. The family has done a 'correct' job in raising a child who can think for themselves and trust their own decisions.

While typing this, another thread came to mind which I believe nicely shows the results of having a "supportive" supporting cast; How do you define yourself?

I wrote this thread, because it made me think of it after a recent experience I had with my parents. I've made a 'big' shift in my life and I believed I should inform my parents of it. I expected, from previous experiences, that I would here their "advice" and "wisdom" which really translated into them 2nd guessing my decision making skills. I was prepared for it and have been relying on myself more and more over the months (being your own best-friend; told you I would come back to it. ;) )

It was a bit disheartening to read between the lines of what their message was saying: "bliss I know you are smart and will do good, BUT have you thought it through and checked it out before hand?

I loved a psychology teacher I had that told the class on the first or second day of class about the lovely word "but". He stated that in a sentence when someone issue's the word "but", everything before the "but" is usually 'fluff' or 'BS'. I think that's true more times than not! :lol:

However, as "disheartening" as it was for me, I expected it. I just got to thinking a lot about "good parenting", "supporting casts" and a heap of other connected things that I thought it was worth writing out.

Parenting, like many other things in life, seem's to be about doing the best you can and then 'letting go'.

I'd really like to read other opinions, stories or thoughts on the subject. If nothing else comes from it, I'm glad I typed it out.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 8:54 am 
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Nice read man, thanks for posting.

I've been looking at things more closely and really have come to the conclusion that my parents are my biggest critics in my life. Not just doubting me, but revelling in the fact that they can push me down (and doing so whenever their sovereignity is threatened in any way), and absolutely throwing the most negativity at me out of anybody else in my life.

So in a way, I can understand that it's because they themselves are insecure and not only need confirmation of worship from their children (who were the only ones to ever accept them unconditionally at any point in their lives) but also need to keep that status quo going. Add to that a refusal for some inner reflection, and you have yourself quite a predicament :lol:

It's a tough thing to swallow, because it's something that you'd ideally like to have - somebody to count on to support you whatever happens. Whenever something happens in my life, I have maybe 2-3 friends I can talk to about it, but nobody that really truly gives a shit. However, it's been the only thing that's motivated me to look within for acceptance, love and support. The road isn't easy, and I've often come at odds with many members of my family (simply for not letting them step all over me, which is, in their eyes, selfish).

If I ever do have children, I'm going to make absolutely sure they have a father that's supportive and there for them. The inner peace and acceptance I'm beginning to feel is nice, but what I'm beginning to see as the most worthwhile thing is that the self-hate and emotional abuse that's been handed down through generations stops with me. And that's a really strange, humbling and fantastic feeling.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 6:44 pm 
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Hey bliss. Thanks for posting this, as it's something I've been thinking about recently as well. Good read too.

I told my parents I want to travel at the end of year, which they were quite indifferent about. However, when I mentioned the country (Bali) I wish to visit, they went hysterical and immediately shut down the idea. This has happened on more than one occassion.

Now, this opened up a lilttle debate within myself: approval-seeking vs asking for general support. I won't lie, I still have some approval seeking from my parents, but realizing this helped clear my rationalisation on the matter.

I tried to understand their way of thinking, and I came to the conclusion that they are just humans too. From their upbringing and life experience they were taught to think a certain way, came to conclusions themselves from their own life experience, and thus acquired their "wisdom". However, it made me realize that they aren't giving me a chance to gather my own life experience. How am I suppose to draw my own deductions and conclusions on life if I'm being told everything. I believe this falls in line with trusting yourself and becoming your own best friend. Enjoying the journey of life by exploring different avenues of it. This is something I'm working on myself.

I reason I said that my parents are just human is because I caught myself doing the same thing with my sister. I argued against going to the gym alone for the first time after I had bad experience (lost, self-conscious) when I did. So I tried to block her from gaining life experience and making the judgement herself. I'm glad she stuck with it and went ahead anyway.

Anyways, I point is this. While parents, through their acquired life experience, may know more in one or more areas of life, they advisory is not gospel. They do it with good intentions (from my experience), but sometimes you just have to go through it yourself and either fuck up and learn from it, or end up enjoying it. Either way, you'll put some life mileage behind yourself and rely on those to tackle future challenges in your life to come.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 16, 2015 2:53 am 
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It was nice reading both of your posts.

-

Aragorn,

The world can look a bit 'ugly' when the illusions are dropped, but I would have it know other way. And...at when acceptance kicks in things are just they way they are and I find peace within it all.

Also, when reading your post I thought of "treat people accordingly". I like how it's beginning to pop-up automatically now for me! ;)

-

Fresh,

Sounds like you see a lot of things people usually are missing or 'persuaded' other whys to believe they are "crazy". :lol:

We should all follow our paths.

It was a process to 'dis-entangle' all the hooks my parents had on me, but I'm glad I went through the process. I care for my parents. Now I do what's in my own best-interest, even if it's in disagreement with my parents views.

-

"Believe in the child's abilities to know its own boundaries." -from The Crash Reel

I would recommend watching that movie and then commenting your thought's on it in the thread that was created for it on this forum.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 11:41 am 
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Thanks Bliss.

I'm glad you managed to come to a "stand" so to speak, on the matter with your parents.

Thanks for the recommendation too. I give it a watch over the next week or two, and share my thoughts.

Look forward to the watch :)


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 2:41 pm 
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Yes, a supporting family (or friends) can be very empowering, and a doubting one equally damaging.

It's human nature to disregard any information that is too far outside our current mindset, and so it's important to remember how far you have come. One strategy can be to tone it down according to the other person, and get some support. Then increase the intensity gradually. Kind off a cloak, that is chaninging accordingly to what's needed.

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