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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 5:07 pm 
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Alchemist wrote:

I'm not expecting to be treated like a precious flower but not to be taken advantage of every time I decide to be vulnerable. It's a risk I'm no longer willing to take because of how shitty it feels.

Because of my experiences I associate being vulnerable with setting myself up for emotional damage.

Being vulnerable is not something that you decide to do. No one decides to be vulnerable. Its just there. And women can smell it a mile away. They workout your vulnerabilities extremely quickly whatever you decide to do. Most will see it as soon as you look in their direction.

People talk about "emotional investment" blah blah blah

Firstly, an investment is something you expect some kind of a return on. And expectations are not healthy for any kind of relationship.

Secondly, emotions are not a form of currency. You cant give someone your emotions, only grab at them with your ego... and usually expect them to take it as some kind of favor.


Alchemist wrote:
Pindar wrote:
Alchemist wrote:
I still haven't found a release from the anger,
Stop generating it. Stop cultivating it. Stop trying to release it. Stop using others to poke it. Stop setting yourself up in situations that seem suspiciously like there designed to generate it. And in time it will fade away.


I'm not generating it, it makes itself aware at random moments. It comes up and then it's like "hey look at me", it keeps coming up because I've continuously ignored it, this is why I want to address it. It will always linger if I don't.

I can't just forget about it and pretend it's not there, it needs to be addressed.


I think that the change of profile picture is the most obvious example of cultivating anger i could mention but more could be named.




It`s also hard for me to grasp, on the basis of the information given, precisely how she has used you.

I have been in a similar situation. And I felt the same way. But don`t anymore.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 6:16 pm 
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I was like her father figure, I spent time with her that I could have working on my own stuff.

She used me for my time and emotional support whenever she was in one of her moods which I now understand is a pity party. She didn't really want help with her depression, she's happier playing the victim.

She even had the nerve to tell me I was hurting her feelings, the hypocrisy.

Maybe I'm victimising myself by lamenting on how much she hurt me, I gotta be the bigger person in this situation.

I'm gonna do as Flow advised and say fuck it to her. Holding on to this anger is counter productive and distracting, I don't need it, I don't need her.

I want peace.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 6:34 pm 
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Sounds like a plan

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 2:28 am 
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Alchemist wrote:

She used me for my time and emotional support whenever she was in one of her moods which I now understand is a pity party. She didn't really want help with her depression, she's happier playing the victim.

She even had the nerve to tell me I was hurting her feelings, the hypocrisy.



"It's not about the nail" :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 7:22 am 
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"A warrior acts, only a fool reacts."


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2016 9:50 am 
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Jared wrote:


That was spot on and close to home. :lol:

Saying fuck it without attachment to the outcome is ironically helping me detach. At first it was about my ex but then I said fuck it to the rest of them and whatever issues I have with women in general. It hurts less now that I'm learning lessons from my past relationships and not lumping them all as one.

They were all very different people, they were all crazy sure but there are many layers and circumstances that set them apart, with me being the common denominator.

Lessons learned:

-I didn't really know my worth, that's why I settled for less than I deserve.

-There are better women out there, the ones I've been with aren't a good representative of the entire female gender, they're at the shit end of the graph.

-I don't need to live in bitterness and anger about this, yeah the most recent ex is infuriatingly stupid and entitled but that's not my headache anymore. I should be relieved I don't have to deal with that mess, I would have been miserable and a shell of a man at the end of it.

-I definitely know what I don't want, I'm discovering what I want. I want to be alone right now but open to other experiences not relationships but if a connection happens I know enough about myself to not get into it for the sake of getting into it but if it adds some value to my life then I can let it happen. I know what I'm not willing to settle for, if ever a part of me feels like I'd be sacrificing a part of myself I will duck out. In the past 2 relationships part of me always felt like I lost some of my integrity, because I did. I suckered out and didn't finish how I started and that lay the foundation for them to be emotional terrorists. Subconsciously they didn't respect the fact that I faltered and gave them what they wanted.

-For the first time I am detaching from the negativity that's been inside me pretty much my whole life, it's a strange feeling. I feel more hollow and free, clear of mind, I feel better.

-All the shit that was in my head, my bitterness, my unlearned lessons took up the space that I needed to move on. I was looking for that big release, chasing. ironically saying fuck it and not chasing that is bringing about this change.

-My life is actually going pretty well, yet I was making her the most important thing since the relationship ended, the shit I have going on in my life is far more important than that.

-They're worse off without me and I'm better off without them, the ex before her has already aged 10 years even though its only been 3 years since we broke up. The woman that fucked with my head for years has gone full on cuckoo and probably holed up in a drug den somewhere. This ex will never accomplish anything in life and always blame others for her depression, more guys will take pity on her like I did and when that fucks up and she realizes how good she had it with me, she'll flip but as I won't be contacting her ever again, her loss. Even her family's tired of her shit. :lol:

-It's ok to forget about her, to not care about her anymore, to drop her completely from my mind. In order to do that though I had to say fuck it to that which I was holding on to and now that it's served its purpose I don't need it anymore.

-I needed to learn from my past to move on from it, with this awareness the emotions and all the crap is fading away.

-The worst of my anger is gone, maybe she tapped into something that was always there.

-It was tough to say fuck it without expecting anything but now the awareness is coming and shit is fading away. I think that came out of an awareness that all the negative stuff inside me no longer has a purpose and I have a lesson to learn form the past. I think I just really had enough.

-I was still looking that perfect girl that would make up for all my experiences in the past when what I really needed to do was figure out what exactly happened in those relationships/connections, from afar and not from an emotionally charged place.

-And lastly, I'm the prize, they really fucked up with a good dude and that's not me being arrogant. I'm building and they will never have access to me or enjoy my success with me, huge loss for them, at the same time though I'd be miserable with them and not getting as far with them as a distraction so they did me a favor.

Thank you guys.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 3:02 am 
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Christ, thinking back and looking back, that shit was dark.

The worst is gone, more to follow. I'm in a better place.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 4:30 pm 
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I've been focusing on my work, getting something done everyday, being productive.

Then out of the blue the pain comes up, am I escaping it by not paying attention to it and focusing on something else?

I do feel gradual releases of emotion and moments of clarity, I am making some progress, I just shouldn't fool myself into thinking everything is fine and it's finally over when I'm on the highs.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 4:45 pm 
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Alchemist wrote:
I've been focusing on my work, getting something done everyday, being productive.

Then out of the blue the pain comes up, am I escaping it by not paying attention to it and focusing on something else?

I do feel gradual releases of emotion and moments of clarity, I am making some progress, I just shouldn't fool myself into thinking everything is fine and it's finally over when I'm on the highs.


You don't need to spend that much time consciously feeling into what is there- even a little but is more than most will ever do.

Whenever you do it just do it, and don't turn yourself into a project.

Yes, make less of a deal of the highs or the lows, in terms of assigning meaning like you have arrived or gone backwards. Enjoy high, be with the low, if you stay with this you get more in touch with a more fundamental sense of peace which is there even when unpleasant feelings and thoughts are there.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 25, 2016 5:49 pm 
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The next step on my journey then is acceptance.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2016 7:53 am 
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http://naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=2083


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2016 3:32 pm 
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Eye opening post, I'm gonna have to read it over and over.

I held onto hate because I thought it would shield me from manipulation and emotional investment.

I didn't accept her for the type of person she was and I've been fighting myself for years, I'm tired of fighting.

This is an eye opener but a bitter pill to swallow, I want peace but I'm not ready to forgive them, it doesn't feel right to, considering what they did.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:33 pm 
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Alchemist wrote:
Eye opening post, I'm gonna have to read it over and over.

I held onto hate because I thought it would shield me from manipulation and emotional investment.

I didn't accept her for the type of person she was and I've been fighting myself for years, I'm tired of fighting.

This is an eye opener but a bitter pill to swallow, I want peace but I'm not ready to forgive them, it doesn't feel right to, considering what they did.


Your inner peace is reason not good enough ?

Just asking, I don't know how hard it is for you


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2016 4:48 pm 
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Acceptance is the first and in some ways, only step.

Otherwise everything you do, whether it's some formal technique or not, is coming from a place of resistance.

Acceptance is not about some idealized position of forgiving everyone, learning lessons, or anything like that. Those are all conceptual and overlayed on top of a visceral experience.

It is 100% acceptance of exactly what is there, including that feeling that you would describe as angry and wants revenge. Any layer like "I'm supposed to forgive from this or move on from this" is actually resistance and non-acceptance, it doesn't matter how ideal or correct one side sounds vs. another, anything that is used to push against what is actually being felt in this moment is resistance.


If you were to embrace and step into your anger at women, and everything you are projecting onto that situation right now with 100% ownership and no resistance to it, this process will go 1000% faster. Not the slow burn of months/years, gradually feeling a little better until we get comfortable enough to often repeat the same pattern. Anger is transmuted by feeling it completely with no resistance, no attachment, and no agenda. "Fuck it" = i'm feeling exactly what i'm feeling. Trying to forgive, trying not to think about it, trying to reframe it, as well as holding onto the story and memories, all of these are resistance to the rather straightforward experience of that energy moving in the way it knows to do.

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:34 am 
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Jared wrote:
Alchemist wrote:

She used me for my time and emotional support whenever she was in one of her moods which I now understand is a pity party. She didn't really want help with her depression, she's happier playing the victim.

She even had the nerve to tell me I was hurting her feelings, the hypocrisy.



"It's not about the nail" :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg


Gold! 8-)

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"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:12 pm 
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fufe wrote:
Your inner peace is reason not good enough ?

Just asking, I don't know how hard it is for you


@Fufe, inner peace is all I want, but..

@Flow, is inner peace an idealized position?

I started sitting in my anger yesterday, accepting where I am. I'm perpetually angry now but when I sit in it without thought, it's there then it goes, so I channeled this energy into a project I'm working on.

I can see the detriment of my attachment to these feelings I have, when the stories come up.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:47 pm 
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Alchemist wrote:
fufe wrote:
Your inner peace is reason not good enough ?

Just asking, I don't know how hard it is for you


@Fufe, inner peace is all I want, but..





Quote:
“Don't look for peace.
Don't look for any other state than the one you are in now;
otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance.

Forgive yourself for not being peace.
The moment you completely accept your non-peace,
your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace.

Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace.


---EckhartTolle

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2016 6:00 pm 
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Beautiful.

"Inner Peace" is usually imagined as some idealized state in the future, after xyz happens, when abc isn't there anymore, etc. etc.

Jared sums it up.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:28 pm 
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So I put 2+2 together and discovered she was cheating on me with the guy before me, the guy she was cheating on with me, the irony, it was inevitable. :lol:

With that realization I was beyond angry then something snapped and shit started melting off, I'm hella more confident now because I know my worth.

Any fucks I had to give about her, gone.

_________________
"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 30, 2016 10:54 am 
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Considering the way we started I should not be surprised, like she wouldn't do it to me.

The past 2 relationships now have started with me fucking a girl who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time with me.

Image

Some articles pointed to her having Borderline Personality Disorder, after having read some articles the description fits her perfectly, she ticked all the boxes.

I was interested in improving their lives, to the point where I was sacrificing time I should have been spending on improving mine. I fell for her charms, took the bait and got played, I got exactly what I deserved going in.

It was pretty much like this comic, replace the material things with whatever she got from me, attention, support etc. and then some dick cuz I never bought her any trinkets or anything like that.

Image

All she had to contribute to the relationship was a nice body and charms. She's lived her life getting what she wants from her parents through the helpless act and from guys through sex, she got what she wanted from me and as soon as she got bored she moved on to the next dude, maybe she was always bored, god knows how many times I got cheated on, at this point it's irrelevant I guess.

I'm not a selfish partner and I picked some shitty girlfriends, I've never had a love interest that didn't screw me over so I have no frame of reference for someone with qualities I would want. Now that I'm thinking about what I want the signs are clear for what I don't want. I just want to be alone right now and focus on my own shit 100% and that's where I'm staying, whether or not a woman comes into the picture or not I can't be swayed or persuaded to give anything up for her time, I'm done with relationships either way.

My brother strongly advised against a vasectomy and asked me to give that thought more time so I'll come back to that decision in the summer. It's been an interesting process to accept the pain and where I'm at, I feared letting it consume me and it kind of did, whatever's happening now was meant to happen. If I hadn't gotten into this relationship I would have gone through this process with someone else further down the line for probably even longer.

I wanted her to feel remorse for what she did, to feel the weight of what she's done, she's happily moving on with her life like nothing happened so my energy is wasted on revenge, I've given that up because I'd never get what I want out of it, she'll never care. She was dragging me down even without being in my life anymore, I was doing this to myself, it's between me and myself now, not me and her.

Some bitter pills to swallow these past few weeks but things are getting better. Better, I don't know, I don't even feel like putting that judgment on it, stuff is melting away though and I am getting more space. She wasn't good for me and I made a lucky escape, she did me a favor and when she told me I could do better etc. she was doing me a favor, there was nothing altruistic behind it thought but she was right. There must be some mature women out there whom I don't have to 'fix' or worry about, who have their shit together and ambition in life like myself, way better looking too. :lol:

I'm going to be selfish now too in terms of what I want, I've always focused on what THEY want, what makes THEM happy, without consideration as to what they contribute to our dynamic. I can still be a selfless lover, other than that though, what the fuck can YOU do for ME?

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."


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