Welcome back. I just realized that not coming here back until X happened, was just another desire
I also felt like I wasn't being honest, since I was still reading some messages, no matter what I said I would do. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you can find my good bye post here:
http://www.naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?p=424#p424)
The other day, before I wrote that previous message of mine, I was switching from suffering to being happy way faster than ever again. That situation, for me, these days, means rocket-powered accelerated growth. It was something like a few thoughts came to me, an emotion that felt 'bad' showed up, I started paying lots of attention to myself, the thoughts stopped very fast, but the emotion remained; and I observed the emotion while I helped it get out and fully express, crying as needed. Sometimes, the emotion seemed to stay at a point, leaving me with a whole body (pain body, maybe?) 'negative' feeling; then some 'positive' thought appeared, and the whole energy was transmuted into a 'positive' energetic state. I had that same thing happen to me a couple of times, almost non-stop.
A few minutes after I wrote that message, I felt a huge energy shift in me, it was so big that my body temperature increased quite a lot! It was similar to those whole body 'negative' energetic states I had, but a lot more powerful and intense. If it was my pain body, I've been able to directly feel it for the first time, and that's something I desired before (but wasn't expecting it, and I even forgot about it). I started observing it deeply, and applying Ho'oponopono on it, but it didn't disappeared.
By observation, and detachment, I was learning about it. I could even easily communicate with it! It was that powerful. It felt similar to rage, but part of it also felt like some kind of resentment against women. And there was a lot of acceptance between my conscious mind (the little me who is speaking mostly here) and that energetic field in me. Women were paying me more attention, in a different way than usual, it was like no matter how 'bad' that energy might seem to me, it was attractive for them (instead of repulsive).
I understood that was part of my previously repressed 'dark side'. Instead of feeling bad in overall with that energy, I felt more complete, more whole. At times I had a kind of uncontrollable smirk, and a feeling of Cory-style bad boy with a heart, since I felt both good and bad sides of me active. It was similar to what I was able to bring out in me by doing the affirmations from Cory Skyy a year ago, but to a higher degree and all in one. It itself acknowledged it was some kind of egoic energy, but it was there to help me, so I would enjoy it while I felt it. And so I did. In about two hours, the 'hot' feeling wasn't there. And I was left with a few "new" good things, such us more self confidence, acceptance, indifference, and more will power.
From that day until now, I've taken good decisions for my development, rapidly internalizing:
Friday: Let go of all desires and wantings, at least don't hold onto any of them, let go of all expectations, let go of any particular result. Forget about women, accept everything that happens with them, but don't expect or wait for anything. Take the power I gave away to women, but allow women to get from me, accept that they are attracted, interested or whatever, it's their right, but I won't do anything special about it. I don't give a shit. This is my time, this is my space.
Saturday: Open both my inner darkness and my inner light, putting both out there.
Be genuine. Fuck all rules, don't do unfelt things, if needed stop until I know what I feel, reconnecting with the flow. Feel myself completely, accepting everything I observe, feel every situation the best as I can, practicing awareness, accepting it all. Life can be experienced in the same way as a dream, everything is beautiful, there's a lot about everything. Observe myself and act from a third person point of view, be okay with whatever I feel, don't hide any feeling (neither bad ones) to women or to myself, stay in uncomfortable situations, do what I feel even/specially if that could bring me to new uncomfortable situations. Let women be close to me, let women feel what I feel around them (even if it's fear), everything they do to me is okay, explicit sexuality is okay too. Take some guts and balls, and go to women I like the most and let them know, speaking my heart, and go away afterward if needed. Let people know about the good I perceive in them, specially what they have with themselves all the time, not what is temporary in them.
Sunday: Drop all tags, stop putting past, current and future situations and persons in boxes with fixed rules, break all mind rules and limits. I have relationships with people as I have relationships with everything in my life, but there's absolutely no need to tag people as friend, good friend, best friend; or future relationships as serious, casual, flirt, one-night, romance, whatever. Everything and every situation has value. Experience, learn and move on.
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