Natural Freedom

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 Post subject: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 12:24 am 
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Location: Czech Republic
So I've decided to make a thread of mine too, Dali made my decision making easier
I've been doing inner work on daily basis for about a year now
I used to take a "day off" on sundays. I don't do that for some months LOL
On most weekends (when I'm home) I spend púretty much most of my waking hours doing this, sometimes 14 hours or so
On my working days, I come home from work, eat, then I do inner work, then I go to bed, watch some youtube videos, sleep and so on.
I've let go of various things, for example guilt about enjoying things, angers, I also projected onto people lot of things I learned from my parents (for example expected lot of men to be aggresive/harsh towards me in lot of situations, that was from my father and was not true at all), also feeling I had connected to having sex that the closest word I have for describing it is "blood" (nothing sadistic or anything, it was an abstract feeling that happened to have a colour in my mind) and shit ton of others

Basically when I let go of something, even second or minutes after I can hardly or not at all remember how it felt before or even what it was. If I don't intentionally remember it or write it down, I have no memory of it any longer.

So I Work on this intimacy issue, because I cannot feel or engage in any intimacy (including sex, but also emotionaly) with most women. It just gets blocked and I resist with all of my body. I tried to do it anyways, but it doesn't work. It just never goes to sex, women are not interested - Actually they are interested, but when it actually does come to sex, they are no longer. This happens because of my issues.
It seems I can have sex with INFP women (I am ENFJ), I think I only had sex with these lol. Maybe I could envision having sex with ENFJ women, but I am not sure.

My kind of women (that likes me and that I like) is different from what most men like, thank god I don't feel like I should like tall women or models or something
I like women like a singer Aurora ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIhfFFX39X0 )

Found an X-Factor, she reaches out to me a lot, I do reach out too to reciprocate, but it doesn't go further because I am not able to feel intimacy yet with her. She's an INTP
So I am basically putting as much time as I can into this so I can fucking get relationship and sex and get on with my fucking life thank you


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 2:58 pm 
fufe wrote: *

So I Work on this intimacy issue, because I cannot feel or engage in any intimacy (including sex, but also emotionaly) with most women. It just gets blocked and I resist with all of my body.
Could it be that this is the right response? That all of your grand grand fathers are screaming at you not feel intimacy and get emotional?
fufe wrote:
My kind of women (that likes me and that I like) is different from what most men like
I dont think so ;)

Aurora = intimacy ?
fufe wrote:
Found an X-Factor, she reaches out to me a lot, I do reach out too to reciprocate, but it doesn't go further because I am not able to feel intimacy yet with her. She's an INTP
So I am basically putting as much time as I can into this so I can fucking get relationship and sex and get on with my fucking life thank you
Could it be because you are not able to feel intimacy she reaches out to you?


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 3:04 pm 
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Nice observation Midas.

We've spoken about this before Fufe but just a reminder, as long as you are totally identified with the part of yourself that sees sex as the goal and the aversion to sex and intimacy as the problem/block, they will continue to resist each other. They will resist each other if you do inner work from that angle for 20 hours a day for 20 years. Whatever is resisting it needs to be listened to honestly without all the agenda there. It absolutely does see it as the appropriate response and does this for a protective reason. The posture of "I want to get this over with" is not an internal space that it is going to respond to and let all of its objections come to the surface- the more challenging but more effective practice is sitting with that aversion and resistance in the body while relaxing the judgement and the part of you that wants to get rid of it/work on it, because that IS the thing it is resisting against.

Congrats on all of your work and getting to these much more subtle levels.

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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 4:22 pm 
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Location: Laniakea Supercluster
Work? Resistance? :mrgreen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiUz_akTmcY

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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 5:02 pm 
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@Midas
Quote:
Aurora = intimacy ?
What do you mean ?
Quote:
Could it be because you are not able to feel intimacy she reaches out to you?
Yeah I am not able to.

@Flow
I'm less identified with it than you think... I just want to feel things I can't now, and I feel this resistance, so I am working with it.
I don't do much listening, I just go and look/feel/do/etc. It is more attractive to me. It has worked so far


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 5:51 pm 
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the word listening is not literal- as long as the resistance is responding to whatever you are doing.

Once something sees for itself that there is no danger it drops the resistance.

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http://www.innerreconciliation.com


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 7:30 pm 
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Flow83 wrote: *
the word listening is not literal- as long as the resistance is responding to whatever you are doing.

Once something sees for itself that there is no danger it drops the resistance.
This is extremely hard to do. In fact, I hardly know how to do that. Whenever I imagine having sex with a woman, it responds so hard my body just squirms uncontrollably.


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 8:59 pm 
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It sounds like you have a process that is working for you but to speak generally, if something has a very strong aversion or reaction, it will require some progressive steps for it to relax this. If you picture a child who is severely afraid of spiders, going right to the top shelf and putting spiders in front of them or having them visualize spiders, good chance it is just going to trigger them to the point of freeze (fight/flight/freeze.) If this is the response that happens, to do this over and over - there is no real progress there, it’s just burning the engine out repeatedly, almost abusive really. I can try to lift a 300lb thing every day over and over, if it’s too much for me that will never make me stronger- gotta work up to that.

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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:06 pm 
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Except with spiders there isn’t a part of us that wants to have sex with them (as far as I know haha). So when you have strong aversions and strong desires at the same time it’s so much easier to get into a loop. Generally speaking again, the reason the subject of women and sex can be such a great one for inner work is precisely because of these conflicts, but the discomfort of it is why you see so often it just turns into complaining and mental masturbation. Just by even becoming conscious of some of the discomforts and reactions in your body is a testament to the work you have been putting in even tho it can be unpleasant. It’s far better than being numb and hiding in your mind.

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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:14 pm 
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I'm trying to work on little less strong reactions that are connected - because it's more than one thing getting triggered - for example I have problem feeling okay when I get turned on by nice ass in a tight dress for example
It seems I am ashamed for social reasons for some reason.


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 11:19 pm 
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fufe wrote: *
I'm trying to work on little less strong reactions that are connected - because it's more than one thing getting triggered - for example I have problem feeling okay when I get turned on by nice ass in a tight dress for example
It seems I am ashamed for social reasons for some reason.
Smart approach. Having a feeling and then a reaction to that feeling gives you much more to work with than a total shutdown.

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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 11:53 am 
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Location: Czech Republic
I am a smart motherfucker sometimes


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2018 4:32 pm 
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fufe wrote: *
I am a smart motherfucker
Very true fufe

Remember that from time to time :)

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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 Post subject: Re: My work
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 11:01 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2011 9:33 am
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Location: Czech Republic
You wouldn't believe how much pain I went through just a while ago. After that, when a release happened, I noticed the tiny dots on the top of my washing maschine were green.


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