Natural Freedom

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 Post subject: Insights
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 7:32 pm 

Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2012 7:22 pm
Posts: 234
Parents went out of town this past weekend

Usually this is a trigger for me being home alone..the pornography

This weekend i decided that i want to spend some time in the backyard


ISFP...Analyzing,deductive,reasoning are not my strengths

I am a feeler

Earlier in the week i got a girls number who i met through one of my good friends

He has a girlfriend oversees and not looking to hookup so he asked if i wanted her number

After she left and we were done playing ping pong at the bar ..i told him

its better to ask her first and a few days later she agreed so he texted me her number

She did give me a kiss on the cheek before leaving

I texted her on friday and she initially said who is this? tell me or i am blocking this number

then after i gave her my name suggested that we hangout sometime and she agreed for a meeting sunday

I spent a few hours on both saturday and sunday sitting in my backyard just allowiing

It was a stressful week at work and slowly the background noises got a little softer

Come Sunday after spending time alone in the backyard i had this feeling i would receive a

text in the morning and i did.She asked if we could push the meetup later in the day mentioning that

she had work to finish up and i agreed.Just spent those extra few hours sitting in silence in the backyard.

Although i spent alot of time in the backyard i noticed that i did think about her as well as having sex

I checked myself did i feel any resistance to either banging or connection


Since my strength is not in analyzing my emotions i just sit and allow things to arise...

depths,layers of consciousness,unconsciousness whatever you want to call it

just tried to pay attention to the background noise and feel what i was feeling

I took some classes with Flow which has been very helpful in recognizing that there are parts of self

there will always be part of me that desires women even after something doesn't go my way

and indifference doesn't mean saying i don't care about a woman flaking

rather recognizing the part that does care and allowing myself to feel hurt and experience

what i am experiencing in that moment

On sunday morning i woke up with a layer of sadness even before i got a text message

from the girl.My gut told me that after i woke up and look on my phone she would msg me

as soon as i look at my phone i would receive a message

from her in the morning and i did. thinking she would cancel and she didn't initially

rather asking to delay the meetup to a couple of hours because of unfinished work

A couple hours before the meetup while i moved from

sitting and allowing in the backyard from 9-1 to sitting in the bath tub from 1-3 i had

a feeling that i would receive a message saying that she could't make it and i did.

Earlier in the week i saw this as an opportunity to see how attached i was and while it

is not as bad as when i first joined this forum years ago it is still there

Like people on here have mentioned using women as a motivating factor to get started exercise

I saw this as an opportunity to see parts of myself that i may be resisting or may not want to look at

So anyways i am not going to lie i felt a bit sad for awhile but now i feel ok and feel the desire to continue

down this inner path.I'd like for you guys to point out any gaps that you may see.

I understand the inner is the foundation and not the technical

what you feel is always been projected

Her:Can we push our meetup to later in the day. i have to get some work done
Me:Sure...what time did you have in mind?
Her:I really appreciate it 4?xxx place near my neighborhood or xxx street(she gave me a different place than what we agreed on friday)
Me:xxx bar...4 cool(thinking bar to her place was a prelude invitation to her place)
Her:its see you then
Me:ah are my auto spell corrector
Then i started to feel nauseous around 1:30 and sat in a warm bath..more silence time
I had a feeling when i got out of the bath..she would send me a text that something is wrong

and then i checked my phone as soon as i got out of a long warm bath

Her:Hey i am still at the grocery store and it is packed here and haven't had a chance to get
started on my work.I hate to do this but i am not going to be able to make it today.I have to go home
and start preparing for the storm and live by myself

I was upset and hurt and did not text her back after she was the one suggesting we hangout sometime

I thought i did everything right

I take responsibility for my emotions although the part of me that came to this forum carrying

anger towards woman is triggered it is just a part of me that has a function

nothing wrong with being vulnerable and open i see it is only natural but awareness and watching

Anyways guys it is not about one particular woman although it sometimes feels that way

rather relationship with yourself and the lies you tell yourself about who you really are

Since i started working at delta going to bed earlier and waking up earlier i saw this as an opportunity to focus

on relationship aspect of the matrix during the day instead of just venturing nightclubs.

good indicator of relationship with myself

Point out some gaps in my thinking or things i may have missed in this situation

 Post subject: Re: Insights
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:32 pm 
If you were chased by 199 girls, how would you behave/react?

 Post subject: Re: Insights
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:00 pm 

Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:11 am
Posts: 815
You should look at exactly what you are asking here and why you are asking it.

You could already feel that the connection between you two wasn't happening. Do you think that if you somehow "thought" differently about it, or sent some kind of different text (or no text) that this would change it?

Learning to process your emotions and everything around it is great, potentially the greatest thing in the world, but that is about your own freedom and happiness. As long as you wrap everything around it in the context of it being a set of tools and techniques to get specific results, such as making a particular girl like you or have a certain thing happen with one, it will always have this sense of incompleteness.

There is no need to make another concept out of being OK with being upset, or anything like that. Things don't always go exactly the way we want in any area of life. I tried to short on a stock today that I knew would fall, the order didn't go through and down it went. "Damn, that sucks" - feel whatever frustration for a moment, let it come up, do whatever it does, and then move forward with your life. As soon as you go into thinking about "well I'm just trying to feel the frustration and I've learned that it's OK to be frustrated but I thought I made the right move and what did I do wrong that if I had done differently would have made it go right" you are just spinning the wheel again. If there is a lesson to be learned, it reveals itself quite clearly when you let all the excess drop away. Analyzing it from an emotional place, assuming that you could have controlled it, makes it impossible to see it clearly.


 Post subject: Re: Insights
PostPosted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:54 pm 

Joined: Fri Sep 28, 2012 7:22 pm
Posts: 234

In the same sense that one uses women as a motivating factor to exercise stay in shape

I used it to do inner work..sitting in silence without technology

Funny thing is although i spent hours in my backyard in silence i did thinking about her alot

On friday night i said let me journal in my backyard and alot of it was words like thick white women,sex positions,joy,peace,discontment

I did think about her alot

I also used the meetup as motivation not to stay up late like i do on weekends partying and

instead thought by going to bed earlier and waking up early..starting the day in in silence

would make me more centered...and the universe would send that signal to those who can't see me

still even though i checked myself on sunday after she said she can't make it...

Went to a park that i go to and felt very centered when i was walking although there was a layer of hurt from rejection

Sensitive to vibrations and movements and felt less attention seeking

A young boy looked at me as i walked by and said my name is Jimmy John....

Interesting experience

 Post subject: Re: Insights
PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:38 pm 
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:35 pm
Posts: 771
Great post caliboy, and great response by Flow. Great to see you moving towards deeper inner work, and I've got to say it made me happy reading this.

I would point out this:
I thought i did everything right
That's where some of your frustration might lie - thinking that by feeling enough contentment with yourself will you make the right move to influence a girl to sleep with you. Maybe she really was busy. Maybe she was kind of "meh" on meeting up. Maybe she didn't want to tell you straight up that she didn't want to meet and kept pushing it off. Either way, it doesn't really make much difference as to the end result.

What matters is being able to feel the disappointment and not let it influence your actions (what you do and don't do). Lick your wounds and move on.

Take it easy, man. But take it.

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