There was a topic from Altair asking for a story time from TheKidd!! and I thought I could make a topic of my own about this.
This is not going to be much about women, even thought it is still my primary goal to be able to hold a relationship and have sex with women I like and women that like me, which I still am blocked internally about.
What I've let go past months:
- Some kind of anger towards my father and partly my mother, that felt like and oily-creepy feeling around sex (I am sure it would be felt as creepy from other people)
- "You're a monster" - Some kind of belief I had, accompanied by a lot of feelings that led to pain
- Wanting not to be dependent emotionally on somebody, led to a point of not being able to feel intimate with anybody at all. This was most probably (I am 99% sure) there because of my mother using me as emotional support and "fake boyfriend" when I was a kid, because she couldn't have felt anything like that with my father)
- "Don't smile" thing. I don't remember details about this, but I wrote this down so it was there
- When watching a let's play video from Hellblade, I was triggered by all the voices that the main characters hears - I recommend watching some gameplay to see what I mean, it is like schisophrenic voices and if you have good headphones, you can hear them from all sides, it is very cool technology). I felt like I needed to protect myself from all possibilites of danger, so instead of stopping the video because I felt bad while watching, I Concentrated on it and I somehow decided to let go of the need to control things that are in the distance and I don't know when/if they are going to threaten me.. And then the release happened. I don't feel that anymore (This is one of the best ones by far)
- I also, when imagining having sex with a woman I liked could not see her clearly in the image - It was more like there were black spots covering the whole area where she was. Then I managed to let this go/go through and the image of the woman surfaced from the "Dark spot". Afterwards I noticed the amount of space and also my reactions to women I like a lot changed (Looking at this before the point of change/release was hard, because my body was resisting A LOT).
Also, lot of things I can't remember, because I tend to forgot the things I let go, unless I intentionaly concentrate on memorising them...
Effects of letting go for me include:
- Immediate feeling of release and relaxation
- Slowly or suddenly not being able to remember what was the problem (completely forgeting it)
- Change of perception of colours (Colour seeming brighter, more lively, etc)
- Feeling of space in a place, that you felt triggered/blocked emotions before
You also experience the fact that you did not know how certain things can feel, and sometimes you even begin to feel feelings you wasn't able to feel before - in your life.
I felt extremely scared even terrified of the image of having sex with most women, especially if they were in my close social circle. Not it is not that bad, but there are still problems. And there is still an attachment to getting a relationship and "having this solved", or something else, which is a mystery to me, what it is about... But it will reveal itself, in due time.
Sometimes when I see something that should be dealt with through inner work, the more painful it is and more extreme it is, the more I feel the want to go in there and look at it, go through it, let it go, see the truth. Sometimes I feel like a lunatic. There were times when I was grinning like a crazy person, but only out of excitement and I don't know what - If you have seen McGregor before the fight, or during it, it is something simmilar.
They key is to look how you are bullshitting yourself, also look into what you don't want to look at inside yourself, also look at possible things that you don't want to accept may be happening or may happen. Simply put, look into what you don't feel like looking at, or what you FEAR looking at. Sometimes only looking at something can release it. Pure looking can me accompanied by using logics and reason. Also pure looking and feelings can be done.
Also, I do not take this lightly - I invest time daily, sometimes even 10 hours or the whole day during weekends. On working days mostly 3-5 hours. Rarely I do anything else than inner work, normal work and sleep and watching youtube videos for hour or two before falling asleep. Sometimes I listen to music when doing inner work though, because I'm a sucker ! I have been like this for months, maybe even a year now.. Thanks to Flow for reminding me to say this.
TL:DR - Inner work works, if you do it, you can let go of your fears, anxieties, frustrations, pains, etc and feel more at peace and happy about certain things and life in general. Also things that were impossible for you to have may be suddenly possible or INEVETABLE for you to have. Invest real time and commitment into it and results WILL come.
Last edited by fufe on Mon Aug 28, 2017 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.