For those of you who read my review of Ugi and showed some support, I have a story that I can't even find the words to describe. In pieces, you've read parts of my story and how I found naturalfreedom. I've never said what rock bottom was, but I'm sure The Kidd!!, Peregrinus, Star_Above, and maybe a couple others suspected what rock bottom was for me.
I may have told Altair as far as I can recall, probably not though. I've kept this secret close to my vest like nothing else in my life. It wasn't until I started doing intense inner work two years ago that I thought it was important to drop my guard (in multiple sorts and fashions).
When I found the forum, say five maybe five and half years ago it was through the book 21st Century Fox by Paradise. The important part of the story is that I had been diagnosed with bipolar
disorder (in bold so you can't miss the obvious
, will quit with the self-deprecation, but it eased writing that for me). My diagnosis wasn't found out until I was suspended from college. I knew something was wrong, and I started seeking help the best way I knew how.
Realization #1: No matter how empathic and/or sympathetic someone is there is a fabric that keeps you from their direct experience. It is pointless to be sympathetic.
This^^ realization hurt because if I communicated my direct experience as best as I could. I would have been labeled crazy. If I didn't communicated my direct experience I was doomed to hurt my own life prospects. If I communicated my direct experience as best as I could, I know everything in my life would have to change.
Realization #2: Most people are not empathic and/or sympathetic to you. Consequently, most people lack the compassion they even seek for their self.
This second realization pissed me off a lot. A helluva a lot. It pissed me off so much that I thought I was going to try and get even against the women that ruined my life. Hence, it was how I found the forums.
I was punished for having/developing a mental illness and seeking to have human connection. This still may be me rationalizing what happened to me in an admittedly hostile pro-extreme feminist environment that was my college. I did stupid things and got stupid results.
The gory details are that I was so removed from reality that I didn't know what I was doing. The whole experience was like one long day. I wasn't even sleeping.
Forgive me, the story isn't moving like I want and it's hard to express or even recall specific events. What happened next led to my third realization.
I was basically kicked out for sexual assault from two stories: one woman who had been smoking a lot of pot. Another woman, who admittedly had a similar mental illness or neuroses struggle like mine. She spent numerous years away from the school or so I've heard. Someone told me she was crazy, but I didn't listen. That's the short version.
After not having showered or slept for like three to five days. I was shipped back home. The school kept the police out of the situation. Not like I was sane enough to withstand a trial.
I was kicked out for half a semester.
My family was angry with me. I was angry with myself. I was angry with the world. I was angry at why this had to happen to me. I was mixed with emotions too, sadness, despair: ohhhhhhhhhhh how despair will bring someone to their knees.
I tried to take my own life with a bunch of antidepressants anxiety medications and tylenol. I looked for all sorts of shit in the cabinet. I just didn't want to make a mess for my family to clean up but probably wouldn't have cared anyway. Pills were the only I was sure that would work.
Well guess what? Most people fail at taking their own life. I even did the cliche suicide note thing for my brother since he was the only one who never hurt me. That was admittedly sick of me. I do believe I'm my brother's keeper even if I don't believe in god.
Realization #3: Human life, the mind, the body. It's all freaking resilient.
Realization #4: God doesn't exist, but there are balancing forces greater us that are benevolent.
Roughly six months to a year later. I found this forum. I'm not sure how long it was. I lurked for a long time. Btw, that PUA stuff was squarely involved in my life too.
Realization #5: If I can be removed from reality then so can other people. It is possible that some or many things are fake.
It was when I was reading 21st Century fox that I found out about the The Kidd!! Tophat or TopCat or someone else. El bandido. I found everything that was scattered on the web.
However, it was the book PIMP from Iceberg Slim/Robert Beck that led to the domino effect.
Realization #6: A life of lies is like dominos. One event can cascade into others. No more "player" crap for me.
Back when I found the forum, it was a lot newer and there was far less information. It is now a cornucopia pointing to the long journey ahead. When I found it, it was more of like a tactics manual for getting women with some, not very much information pointing to the long road of inner work that is necessary to get those women.
Consequently, I discounted the inner work for a dark path of tactics and power to always have the upper hand. It worked in some cases, but it didn't work in others. It's like The Kidd!! said, "you read like a poor man's Iceberg Slim." Ohhhhhh, how right he was and how much it influenced me for so long.
I can't remember how many times I've read it now. The funny thing is, some of the stuff from directly in the book works without even being adapted to this day and age. That's how timeless the book is.
Realization #7: one truth is worth a thousand lies.
After I found the forum, I stagnated for a while. It was only in my stagnation that I realized this:
Realization #8: The universe is diverse. It does not appreciate one solution when there are many.
I don't even know how to capture the eighth realization for anyone reading this. There are so many variables and so many scenario planning situations. Having a plan for each situation is tedious.
It was around the time after I was readmitted to college and almost died that I started thinking again.
realization #9: No one cares if you live or die, at least not deeply. (They may put on a show, but that's why everything passes).
realization #10: slow painful death is scary as fuck.
I almost died from a pulmonary embolism that started in my calfs, traveled to my guts, and went to my lungs and could have possibly exploded my heart if my left my lungs. My mom didn't even seem to care. That was when I turned really cold. That was when I really had a lot of hatred.
It was about two years later and for a long time leading up to that where I was wondering how I was going to improve myself and secure my life. That event made me want financial security more than anything. People who say money can't buy health haven't tried having shitty or zero insurance.
After college, when I realized that there is no easy path and that your real report card is your bank statement. I stepped back and started asking myself these questions:
1. What would happen if I never had sex again?
2. What would happen if I were homeless?
3. What would happen if I died today?
4. What is holding me back and what are my weaknesses?
#3 is a serious concern as my heart can stop at any moment from the toxic medications I take manage my illness. I suspect that I've had prelude symptoms a few times already. My brain is shrinking. This one is really scary to me. My liver is being damaged too.
It was then that I realized I wanted to be at peace with myself and know that at least one person cared for me. Myself!
Realization #11: Only you can give yourself the love you want, need, and deserve.
Shortly after, Dr.Awesome posted on the forums. I searched him out immediately and took him up on his offer.
Realization #12: You can only grow when your awareness reaches your weaknesses (hence my signature).
I realized that even though accepting bipolar disorder, which my current psychiatrist and all of his insecurities has now "labeled" schizoaffective disorder (somewhere in between complete schizophrenia and bipolar, but still a major mood disorder), was good for a while I hadn't ever looked into it. I hadn't even taken stock to see if it was hurting me in my life. I was in control of myself to a large degree again, which was good enough for a while, but I had to see further. I had to look deeper.
I was initially scared to ask Dr.Awesome to help me drop "labels" and come to an aware acceptance of the illness. Probably one of the hardest 30 minutes of my life was explaining the story to him. I think we sat in silence for a good part of the time. It was probably the quietest 30 minutes my mind has ever had.
Along the way, on my journey, I was looking for ways to see if I could mitigate some of my illness. I found out that there are.
I coincidentally (
there are no such things are coincidences) found someone in a twitch chat, while I was feeling low. Since, I don't have the same relationship to my illness as I did before it slightly
easier to talk about.
He's someone on a health and wellness path.
Fwiw, before I found him, I was looking for alternative treatments to use in conjunction with my current medication to make my brain grow:
I found that I should be taking lots of Omega 3's, quit smoking (which is so damn hard for me), and sprint (something really hard for me because of the smoking).
To continue my work after Ugi and focus on two of the biggest issues in my life: smoking and bipolar disorder
I'm going to use the program outlined in an email I received.
Just to make sure this isn't a pity party.
I want to say that I've done a lot as a bipolar:
1. I completed college from a top ranked school
2. I've worked multiple jobs albeit shitty ones since I don't have experience companies want.
3. I've started three businesses, but I wasn't able to reach sales and had to quit the projects.
I should make a post about the businesses and what I learned, but I'd rather wait until I have perspective of a success.
That's about it. If anyone's interested to know the program I'm using then I'll post the email I received.