Natural Freedom

Forum for the natural awakening and self-realization of men
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 12:47 am 
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For those of you who read my review of Ugi and showed some support, I have a story that I can't even find the words to describe. In pieces, you've read parts of my story and how I found naturalfreedom. I've never said what rock bottom was, but I'm sure The Kidd!!, Peregrinus, Star_Above, and maybe a couple others suspected what rock bottom was for me.

I may have told Altair as far as I can recall, probably not though. I've kept this secret close to my vest like nothing else in my life. It wasn't until I started doing intense inner work two years ago that I thought it was important to drop my guard (in multiple sorts and fashions). :lol:

When I found the forum, say five maybe five and half years ago it was through the book 21st Century Fox by Paradise. The important part of the story is that I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (in bold so you can't miss the obvious :lol:, will quit with the self-deprecation, but it eased writing that for me). My diagnosis wasn't found out until I was suspended from college. I knew something was wrong, and I started seeking help the best way I knew how.

Realization #1: No matter how empathic and/or sympathetic someone is there is a fabric that keeps you from their direct experience. It is pointless to be sympathetic.

This^^ realization hurt because if I communicated my direct experience as best as I could. I would have been labeled crazy. If I didn't communicated my direct experience I was doomed to hurt my own life prospects. If I communicated my direct experience as best as I could, I know everything in my life would have to change.

Realization #2: Most people are not empathic and/or sympathetic to you. Consequently, most people lack the compassion they even seek for their self.

This second realization pissed me off a lot. A helluva a lot. It pissed me off so much that I thought I was going to try and get even against the women that ruined my life. Hence, it was how I found the forums.

I was punished for having/developing a mental illness and seeking to have human connection. This still may be me rationalizing what happened to me in an admittedly hostile pro-extreme feminist environment that was my college. I did stupid things and got stupid results.

The gory details are that I was so removed from reality that I didn't know what I was doing. The whole experience was like one long day. I wasn't even sleeping.

Forgive me, the story isn't moving like I want and it's hard to express or even recall specific events. What happened next led to my third realization.

I was basically kicked out for sexual assault from two stories: one woman who had been smoking a lot of pot. Another woman, who admittedly had a similar mental illness or neuroses struggle like mine. She spent numerous years away from the school or so I've heard. Someone told me she was crazy, but I didn't listen. That's the short version.

After not having showered or slept for like three to five days. I was shipped back home. The school kept the police out of the situation. Not like I was sane enough to withstand a trial. :mrgreen: I was kicked out for half a semester.

My family was angry with me. I was angry with myself. I was angry with the world. I was angry at why this had to happen to me. I was mixed with emotions too, sadness, despair: ohhhhhhhhhhh how despair will bring someone to their knees. ;) I tried to take my own life with a bunch of antidepressants anxiety medications and tylenol. I looked for all sorts of shit in the cabinet. I just didn't want to make a mess for my family to clean up but probably wouldn't have cared anyway. Pills were the only I was sure that would work.

Well guess what? Most people fail at taking their own life. I even did the cliche suicide note thing for my brother since he was the only one who never hurt me. That was admittedly sick of me. I do believe I'm my brother's keeper even if I don't believe in god.

Realization #3: Human life, the mind, the body. It's all freaking resilient.

Realization #4: God doesn't exist, but there are balancing forces greater us that are benevolent.

Roughly six months to a year later. I found this forum. I'm not sure how long it was. I lurked for a long time. Btw, that PUA stuff was squarely involved in my life too.

Realization #5: If I can be removed from reality then so can other people. It is possible that some or many things are fake.

It was when I was reading 21st Century fox that I found out about the The Kidd!! Tophat or TopCat or someone else. El bandido. I found everything that was scattered on the web.

However, it was the book PIMP from Iceberg Slim/Robert Beck that led to the domino effect.

Realization #6: A life of lies is like dominos. One event can cascade into others. No more "player" crap for me.

Back when I found the forum, it was a lot newer and there was far less information. It is now a cornucopia pointing to the long journey ahead. When I found it, it was more of like a tactics manual for getting women with some, not very much information pointing to the long road of inner work that is necessary to get those women.

Consequently, I discounted the inner work for a dark path of tactics and power to always have the upper hand. It worked in some cases, but it didn't work in others. It's like The Kidd!! said, "you read like a poor man's Iceberg Slim." Ohhhhhh, how right he was and how much it influenced me for so long.

I can't remember how many times I've read it now. The funny thing is, some of the stuff from directly in the book works without even being adapted to this day and age. That's how timeless the book is.

Realization #7: one truth is worth a thousand lies.

After I found the forum, I stagnated for a while. It was only in my stagnation that I realized this:

Realization #8: The universe is diverse. It does not appreciate one solution when there are many.

I don't even know how to capture the eighth realization for anyone reading this. There are so many variables and so many scenario planning situations. Having a plan for each situation is tedious.

It was around the time after I was readmitted to college and almost died that I started thinking again.

realization #9: No one cares if you live or die, at least not deeply. (They may put on a show, but that's why everything passes).

realization #10: slow painful death is scary as fuck.

I almost died from a pulmonary embolism that started in my calfs, traveled to my guts, and went to my lungs and could have possibly exploded my heart if my left my lungs. My mom didn't even seem to care. That was when I turned really cold. That was when I really had a lot of hatred.

It was about two years later and for a long time leading up to that where I was wondering how I was going to improve myself and secure my life. That event made me want financial security more than anything. People who say money can't buy health haven't tried having shitty or zero insurance.

After college, when I realized that there is no easy path and that your real report card is your bank statement. I stepped back and started asking myself these questions:

1. What would happen if I never had sex again?
2. What would happen if I were homeless?
3. What would happen if I died today?
4. What is holding me back and what are my weaknesses?

#3 is a serious concern as my heart can stop at any moment from the toxic medications I take manage my illness. I suspect that I've had prelude symptoms a few times already. My brain is shrinking. This one is really scary to me. My liver is being damaged too.

It was then that I realized I wanted to be at peace with myself and know that at least one person cared for me. Myself!

Realization #11: Only you can give yourself the love you want, need, and deserve.

Shortly after, Dr.Awesome posted on the forums. I searched him out immediately and took him up on his offer.

Realization #12: You can only grow when your awareness reaches your weaknesses (hence my signature).

I realized that even though accepting bipolar disorder, which my current psychiatrist and all of his insecurities has now "labeled" schizoaffective disorder (somewhere in between complete schizophrenia and bipolar, but still a major mood disorder), was good for a while I hadn't ever looked into it. I hadn't even taken stock to see if it was hurting me in my life. I was in control of myself to a large degree again, which was good enough for a while, but I had to see further. I had to look deeper.

I was initially scared to ask Dr.Awesome to help me drop "labels" and come to an aware acceptance of the illness. Probably one of the hardest 30 minutes of my life was explaining the story to him. I think we sat in silence for a good part of the time. It was probably the quietest 30 minutes my mind has ever had.

Along the way, on my journey, I was looking for ways to see if I could mitigate some of my illness. I found out that there are.

I coincidentally ( :lol: there are no such things are coincidences) found someone in a twitch chat, while I was feeling low. Since, I don't have the same relationship to my illness as I did before it slightly easier to talk about.

He's someone on a health and wellness path.

Fwiw, before I found him, I was looking for alternative treatments to use in conjunction with my current medication to make my brain grow:

I found that I should be taking lots of Omega 3's, quit smoking (which is so damn hard for me), and sprint (something really hard for me because of the smoking).

To continue my work after Ugi and focus on two of the biggest issues in my life: smoking and bipolar disorder

I'm going to use the program outlined in an email I received.

Just to make sure this isn't a pity party. :lol:

I want to say that I've done a lot as a bipolar:

1. I completed college from a top ranked school
2. I've worked multiple jobs albeit shitty ones since I don't have experience companies want.
3. I've started three businesses, but I wasn't able to reach sales and had to quit the projects.

I should make a post about the businesses and what I learned, but I'd rather wait until I have perspective of a success.

That's about it. If anyone's interested to know the program I'm using then I'll post the email I received.

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"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 5:38 am 
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Quote:
“Self-worth cannot be verified by others.
You are worthy because you say it is so.
If you depend on others for your value
it is other-worth.”
― Wayne W. Dyer

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 3:58 pm 
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Definitely! :)

the story was just meant to talk about how and why I decided to seek out Dr.Awesome/Ugi's help. There was so much troubling me that I hadn't found the answers to. I had deep realizations along the way that led me to where I am. The first and second realizations I had were what drove me here.

I clearly remember trying to voice my concerns to the psychologist at my college. She just pushed some Anti-anxiety meds on me and sent me about my business. Explaining your direct experience in any capacity is really hard never having done it and then even with skill no one is going to know those sensations or your exact thoughts. That's just the truth of subjective reality. We all experience similar things but don't experience them the same way.

Who in their right mind thinks that falling into a major neuroses would actually help them improve their life? When I finally thought about it from a perspective of having self-worth, I was like, "Ok, not only did I find the truth I was searching for, for so long, I also did things I would have never done had this not happened to me." :shock:

The only thing that really sucked was falling out of sync of reality. It happened to me roughly 6 or 7 times. Most of the time, the situations were less severe than others. I even got to the point where I had enough resilience to talk through the issues or get myself some serious help before things got out of control.

It's been five years now with no major issues.

It was when I started looking from a more aware perspective that I realized how good it was for me. :lol: Sure I suffered from extreme mood swings, which were clearly present in my earlier days on the forum, but I was in control of my actions enough to get me to a point where I started developing real confidence and clarity.

It's insane (pop-culture usage). :lol:

The reason why I shared the story is because there are less "labels" for me now and less "identification" with it. There's more experience and less story.

I'm not sure if it was clear from story, but there was a point where I just had to look at/in myself. I've gotten to the point now that if I choose to be mindful the patterns don't repeat. I still have triggers, but there are way less of them in real life.

Right around the time I nearly died and then again after realizing that it was real possibility I could just drop dead I closed all the exits and dove head first into exploring myself. There are lots of things pointing to my different curiosities I had at different times on the forum.

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"Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness." - Jean Vanier


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2016 7:32 pm 
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I've let go of beliefs, that caused me depression. Not sure if it was manic (bipolar), but I had suicidal thoughts, sometimes.. I was never diagnosed though.
It was a trigger, that was triggered all the time. (Important ! Maybe)


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2016 6:50 pm 
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Possibly! I've had success with removing irrational triggers. They always turn out to stem from some self worth issue.

One interesting one is the fear of the dark. I had it before my diagnosis. It was heightened exponentially after my diagnosis. I then realized it for the abandonment it was when my mom and dad brushed of I and my sister's fears of shimmering light coming from our closet. Ironically, I wasn't afraid of darkness. I was afraid of not being helped and the unity between light and dark. Needless to say, I prefer the dark. It welcoming and embracing just like the light of the sun and doesn't discriminate.

I'm not hurrying along on this one. I don't think inner exploration solves everything though. That's why I said at the end of the post that I'm making lifestyle changes.

I've picked at the brains of a few senior members haphazardly about making certain lifestyle changes. I've asked them about things that would help me in my situation without fully disclosing.

I spent a long time wondering whether it was better to post this at where I'm at or where I'll be a few years from now. I ultimately decided that better is now because I know there are other members like me less far along who have similar if different issues. Everybody's rock bottom is different.

I'm just removed enough from mine that I finally have room to address what started it all.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 6:52 am 
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David R. Hawkins - Drug Addiction and Consciousness


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Raszzr9aFWY

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 17, 2016 10:15 am 
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This is an awesome post Slim, so many quotables that I won't bother to put them all up.

You're headed down the right path, especially in regards to seeing the need to make lifestyle changes and not just do inner exploration (which is a valuable tool, though).

You can be happy about the illness though - it brought you to a place where you absolutely needed to look at yourself and take an honest stock of what's there. I doubt who you are today happens without this.

If you need any help with a sprinting program, hit me up. It sounds daunting but it really isn't.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2016 1:52 am 
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Jared wrote:
David R. Hawkins - Drug Addiction and Consciousness


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Raszzr9aFWY


This is the perspective that I see drugs as but my perspective is much less eloquent and simple. Amazing video. I'm personally against all drugs. They're destructive inherently although they can be powerful tools to aid you in the short. It's contradictory in a sense, but it's the truth.

I don't do any drugs except cigarettes. It's the last leap I have to make in my lifestyle changes on my checklist.

I'm in the market for a multi-strain probiotic though that has clinically tested strains in it that reduce the impact of bipolar disorder. :geek: :mrgreen: :lol:

I haven't been able to find any. I'm taking another visit to my doctor though to see what she can produce for me.

Aragorn wrote:
This is an awesome post Slim, so many quotables that I won't bother to put them all up.

You're headed down the right path, especially in regards to seeing the need to make lifestyle changes and not just do inner exploration (which is a valuable tool, though).

You can be happy about the illness though - it brought you to a place where you absolutely needed to look at yourself and take an honest stock of what's there. I doubt who you are today happens without this.

If you need any help with a sprinting program, hit me up. It sounds daunting but it really isn't.


Yeah, PM me the program. I'll start it in the spring. I'm doing jumping jax and jump rope right now since it's the winter. I'm highly interested if the program is about dead sprints for like 30 - 60 seconds. Numbers like that are shown to improve brain growth.

btw, I'm starting very slow with exercise this time. I jumped right in last time and wore to much resistance into my body. I'm just doing 20 jumping jax and 2 min of jump rope a day.

I also am coming from a place of acceptance with the illness. I really only posted it to help a couple special people I know who also struggle with similar issues. I hope they turn up in my pms or in the thread. No pressure though. Reading it for them should be enough to know everything's ok.

Of course I haven't confirmed the people yet, but I'm learning to trust my gut more. We're born with an intuition that's sharpened by processes too complex for us to even comprehend. The whole idea of the person as a superorganism is an understatement. People think we have like 6 senses, but we actually have like 17 or more or hundreds or something. If you've ever had the traumatic experience of having your ears powerwashed and vacuumed by a doctor you'll find out how many senses you have real quick. :lol:

You're also definitely right. Who I am doesn't happen without what happened to me/what I participated in creating. What I told isn't even the whole story either. There's more to it. The other stuff I still struggle with a victim mentality though so I'm not posting it for a while. I still have more inquiry to do with it. Simple meditation probably won't help either. I have to probably move into non-dual inquiry, something Dr.Awesome and I haven't done much. It's an area that I need to look into though.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 12:14 pm 
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Good to see your journey continue

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 1:15 am 
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peregrinus wrote:
Good to see your journey continue


Thanks man! It's at a new beginning! Still looking for the probiotic.

I have to read some medical journals or talk to my doctor. The former seems like a fruitful path, but I would have to sink about three months or more of my time into finding the articles and dissecting the math behind them.

The medical industry loves promoting inconclusive studies as the conclusive go too they are not.

However, there are too many promising anecdotal stories to disregard the weight behind massive lifestyle change and proper nutrition.

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