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 Post subject: A stumble along the way
PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:59 am 
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Hey guys, just wanted to get this out there while it was still fresh in my head. I may not even post this after it's done. I'll read it first to see if it has any value and try not to edit too much.



I met this twenty year old girl named Mallory in a computer lab at university when another guy brought me into their conversation. After he left us there alone, I continued speaking with her from across the room over the next couple of hours as we researched for our reports. She didn't take much asking to spill her life story out on me and I listened for cues to keep her going if she slowed down.


Later as she was leaving, she asked me if I was going to our next class and if I wanted to walk there with her. It was about 5 minutes earlier than I was planning on leaving, but recognizing this as her attempt to spend more time with me, I agreed and observed her some more as we walked. She asked about how long I had been out of school before returning and what I had done in the meantime and less interesting things. It was a short distance to the large lecture hall. I sat down comfortably beside her and continued observing throughout the class. Typical for EVERY other woman her age on campus, she was browsing facebook and probably reddit while intermittently making notes from the lecture. I couldn't see how she could effectively learn this way, but it was just an observation, much like observing how she didn't startle if she bumped into then rested her arm next to mine. The same with her boots and my shoes. After class, she asked which way I was going. I wasn't going her direction, so we parted ways.


The next day in another lecture we shared, I wasn't given the time of day other than short eyecontact as she entered the room and sat next to some guy who was about her age. I wasn't too surprised by this and went about my day. The following day I took a seat in the large hall close to, but not exactly, where we had sat before. Her claim of having OCD about where she sat must have been not too serious, because guess who plunked down right next to me. I logged this as something to note, talked with her before the lecture and observed what I perceived to be her comfort with me by again not startling when I grazed her arm or our knees touched and took in the lecture.


This continued for a few more days and she began to sit next to me in other classes whenever her male "friend" wasn't present. I chalked this up to my being a warm body to talk at in the absence of the "friend" and continued listening/observing for continued amusement. She didn't even know my name as I hadn't introduced myself in the computer lab and she had never asked since then. She disappeared from most classes for about 8 days and I noticed some attachment on my part, which didn't impress me but I wasn't too put off by her absence.


Fast-forwarding to today, when I finally introduced myself because why the fuck not if she wasn't going to ask? She added me to facebook on the spot and then showing me how fat she used to be in her driver's licence versus 75lbs less in her current student ID. I did the same with mine.


After class we went across campus and as I was about to walk my way home, she offered me a drive ( it was raining and on her way) which I accepted. In the car we talked tattoos and her job interview that afternoon while she complained about being alone and having nothing to do that night(Friday). I noted this last fact she clearly felt the need to share with me. She also got all girly-OMG-excited when I recognized a lyric from "No Diggity" in some music that she was faintly playing so we talked 90s rap as only two white Canadians could.


I mulled over her "all alone, nothing to do" line for more of the afternoon than I should have really simply because that's exactly the sort of hint that I would have missed before this forum.


I logged into facebook early in the evening and found an IM linking to the remix she had been playing in the car. I was going to ask her for the link anyway, so that worked out nicely. (Sidenote: not bad). I thanked her via IM and we chatted for about two hours wherein we joked and she laid out her past dating history of basement-dwelling man-children to controlling and abusive man-children. I went into my default therapist mode and I guess acted like an authority on both the boyfriends' behaviours and highlighting her admirable qualities such as strength in leaving her abuser. Soon after, I get this message from her:

Mallory: "Man, it's 9:20 and I'm bored out of my mind. Seriously feel so lame being home on a Friday. I should not be this lame"

I suggested some movies. Then I get:

Mallory: "I hate watching movies alone"

I was once to be oblivious to a hint like this. I asked her again where she lived.

Mallory: "Yeah it's like 2 minutes to campus touch
(she quickly sends)Though *"

That seemed like an unlikely typo to me so as I also had nothing to do for the night I tossed this out there:

Wayfarer: "I could drop by and introduce you to Stranger Things or something."
(We'd been talking about watching the TV show. I later noticed and laughed over my accidental suggestiveness with the title.)

She suggested that she come to my place instead and ten minutes later she did.

Now comes the heartbreaking part. On the couch, we're chatting away, I'm monitoring her body language which was quite open (exposed wrist, facing me, possible mirroring, no more hair fidgeting than usual). I kept observing for something concrete like an accidental touch, but I wasn't catching any conscious action on her part and the subconscious ones weren't conclusive enough for me to feel confident acting on them. My gut was tense like a cobra waiting to strike at any solid lead. (I later realized that she sat facing me all night with her legs apart wearing LEGGINGS for godssake.). After 2 hours more of her personal history, (including that her abusive boyfriend stalks her and that my car resembles one like her "friend's" and that's why she came to my place) I joked that we hadn't left the Netflix main screen. (since watching the show was what I had planned to do. Sex would've been enjoyed but not expected)

"Wayfarer, were you trying to Netflix and chill me!?" I read the tone as too dry to be playful and bordering on hostile. I defaulted to sarcasm:

"Yeah, that just SOUNDS like something I'D do."

She tossed out words like "triggered" and "offended" in that same hard-to-read tone.

And with that the night soon ended cooly and awkwardly.

In the post-mortem analysis I wished I hadn't balked at her accusation. It's an old defense from childhood to that tone of voice that I hadn't anticipated coming up. Better to confirm than deny, since we could have fucked if she was down. At least I have the memory of this out of the ordinary night and another area or two to work on.

I think that at least this can be an example as to just how fast it could happen if guys could only get out of their own way and let it happen. I did nothing but observe and take the smallest of actions in the IMs until I got the better of me. Up until then the whole situation began to feel inevitable especially today. Watch and learn guys (your surroundings, not from ME, at least not from this)

Thanks for reading


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 12:12 pm 
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I'm not sure if the others would agree with me but this is my take on it.

Firstly, nothing is wrong with your instincts.

Secondly, if you slept with her then it would have been a mistake.

She was being ambiguous. You probably already know (or suspect) that she was doing this on purpose.
Nether the less, if she is being ambiguous, then it is HER RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE HERSELF CLEAR.
If you thake that away from her, then firstly, to are selling yourself out and secondly, you will be denying her humanity as an autonomous person. She may need time. She may be testing you. But you did nothing wrong..... except perhaps, thinking that you did something wrong.

Give space and all will be well.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 12:15 pm 
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Maybe she could sense that you were feeling like a cobra....

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 12:27 pm 
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Wayfarer wrote:


She didn't even know my name as I hadn't introduced myself in the computer lab and she had never asked since then.


(If a woman doesn't ask for my name after I ask hers,
I don't volunteer it. If she asks, I'll take it as a sign of high(er) interest.)

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 7:51 pm 
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Jared wrote:
Wayfarer wrote:


She didn't even know my name as I hadn't introduced myself in the computer lab and she had never asked since then.


(If a woman doesn't ask for my name after I ask hers,
I don't volunteer it. If she asks, I'll take it as a sign of high(er) interest.)



I think this is technically correct. As she did go back to his place I think the problem resides in his trying to figure out what shes thinking when he should be chilling out.

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We go away to find home, we make acquaintances to understand friends, we converse in order to enrich our conversation with ourselves. - Michael Oakeshott


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:07 pm 
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Thanks for sharing this, though, Wayfarer. It probably required balls.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 6:06 am 
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Hmm, well that was rude of her.

You could have said " Were you trying to Netflix and chill me?" and then completely ignore her response and say that's exactly what you would say if you were trying to Netflix and chill me.

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A truly powerful Man jealously guards his most precious resources; his independence and his ability to maneuver. True power isn’t controlling others, but the degree to which you control the course of your own life and your own choices. -Rational Male


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 10:01 am 
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Are you observing for the purpose of observing and making more informed decisions/not waste time/have clarity, or observing in the sense of hoping to find/looking for signs of attraction? Observing in the second sense usually comes at the expense of enjoying what is in front of you at the hope of getting to some future point that never truly satisfies. And why would you want to hook up with someone you're not enjoying in the present moment?

My position is if you can't enjoy her fully when she's not escalating or fucking you then what's the point of wanting more of her?

But stumbles are part of the journey man :) You'll look back at them and smile.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 5:41 pm 
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Nothing heartbreaking about it. She was probably just testing you and didn't like the response she was getting. It's all part of the process man. Here's the real question: do you even want her since she said some off color mess like that to you in YOUR place?

That's the part where you really have to "feel" yourself. You have to be in the present moment in your skin. She talked about the elephant in the room. You guys sat across from each other and talked for two hours. I don't care for the way she went about doing it, but there are plenty of ways to handle it. Now you know that she has no filter and will say off color mess to people she doesn't know well. She learned your name like yesterday right?

Anyway, maybe observe yourself more and her without an agenda. When you have no agenda you typically do things as they need to be done. You noticed that yourself though.

There's plenty to learn from this situation. You thought everything happened fast right? You had the option to have sex with her the first night you met her. Just food for thought from what I gathered from your observations. Everything happened as it needed to happen though.

Good shit though man.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 10:31 pm 
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Wayfarer wrote:

Mallory: "Man, it's 9:20 and I'm bored out of my mind. Seriously feel so lame being home on a Friday. I should not be this lame"


don't
be
her
Time
Ho

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 2:56 am 
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Thanks to everyone for getting in on this post. It began as a way to clear my head and get the facts down for my own later review and by the end of it I was ALREADY smiling ( :) Aragorn)and shaking my head at the whole affair. Anyway, she's not the only line I have in the water, she just started to take the bait first. Saturday evening, she texted me a few times but I was out of the city doing my own thing so it didn't matter. And today before class she accuses me of having the "worst sense of what's going on around you ever!" because I didn't acknowledge her with her head down in her phone as I passed thirty feet away to speak to another classmate. In my head I was laughing because oh if she only knew of my casual observations over the past 3+ weeks. She's now planting seeds about campus pubs and upcoming movies. So glad that I am more aware now and recognize when this is happening. :D

Pindar: I'm fairly certain now that I didn't do anything "wrong". I could have done some things differently in hindsight, like notice when she started guessing what size bed I had ("you probably still sleep in a single. Or whatever, maybe you've got a California King for yourself" :oops: ), but I do still get carried away by the speaker sometimes and pay attention to what has been SAID and not what is really BEING SAID. Hell yeah it's also on her! It is only her fault if she spent the drive home to her cold dark house all moist and squirming in her seat because she wouldn't do something as simple make a little physical contact with my arm stretched across the back of the sofa. :lol:

As for the cobra in my gut, I bet she could feel it, but she was still pretty open and wasn't crawling over the arm of the couch to escape, so maybe not. I think it was a time pressure thing where I knew it was getting late coupled with waiting for/certainly WANTING a definitive sign of her desire or intent. I could have been cooler. I'm happy with Yes or No, but the lack of concreteness has me rerunning interactions over in my head for clues.

Coconut: It's the only way I'll learn.


Jared: That's how I viewed the name situation for weeks and not only just with her. I decided that day that I may as well introduce myself after so long and she gave me her name as if I wasn't already aware from before. ( People really don't remember what they talk about for long do they?). It may have been sharing my name that set the whole rest of that day in motion.

[/quote]

don't
be
her
Time
Ho[/quote]So far I haven't inconvenienced myself for her sake, but I'll keep aware of this.

Altair: I did think of that very response when writing out the post but my reaction at her accusation cut off any chance my smart mouth had. More training required.

Aragorn: I've been fairly detached in observing and catching both the good and bad cues. I was enjoying our chats well enough and just noticing her behaviour as it happened, but as I write this, I'll admit that the possibility of sex inherent in the situation probably tipped my focus towards the more positive cues.

Slim Titan: Thanks, I hadn't considered the "off color"-ness of her comments. Definitely something to look at. We'd been talking smack to each other for most of the night, but her tone got weird right at the end.


Such valuable feedback. Be well and thanks again guys.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 4:06 am 
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Pindar wrote:
Jared wrote:
Wayfarer wrote:


She didn't even know my name as I hadn't introduced myself in the computer lab and she had never asked since then.


(If a woman doesn't ask for my name after I ask hers,
I don't volunteer it. If she asks, I'll take it as a sign of high(er) interest.)



I think this is technically correct. As she did go back to his place I think the problem resides in his trying to figure out what shes thinking when he should be chilling out.


There is no reason to go to the next step if they're not actively finding
things out about me. = chat 2min max and "Nice to meet you ^name^ have a great evening."

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 4:00 pm 
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Don't even trip...you're on the right path, Wayfarer. Like the others have said, just continue to give space, observe and reciprocate. She's definitely on track to end up with you horizontally. The more you give her the space to let it be 'her idea', the deeper you'll end up penetrating her brain before you penetrate her vulva. To me, this part...the anticipation, is the best part. :geek:

Learn to enjoy the anticipation...the journey. The destination is all but guaranteed in most cases...it's how you get there that the interesting variances usually lie. :ugeek:

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:54 am 
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I can say that you're really humble man. It took me a long time to get to that position and it's really powerful. It's like half the battle. You're more likely to let yourself do the talking instead of the ego. I spent a long time learning how to do things right when I really just needed to focus internally so kudos. It shines through.

The next level after humility though is recognizing how effortless this is. It is recognizing how this stuff comes THROUGH you. You don't need to learn every right thing to say. Maybe you already feel this and it shows that you may subconsciously think this. You got a little unnerved and recognized it. Just put a steely lid on it when it happens and deal with it later.

Take those observations to the next level though. :twisted:
The mark of this shit when you really have it down is undying faith in yourself. It shows as confidence and instead of saying all the right things you'll do all the right things. :geek: Plus it isn't a secret that you can pretty much get away with saying anything you want and it will be the right thing if you say it in the right way.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:46 am 
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Slim Titan wrote:

Take those observations to the next level though. :twisted:
The mark of this shit when you really have it down is undying faith in yourself. It shows as confidence and instead of saying all the right things you'll do all the right things. :geek:


The more you know about you, the easier it is to believe in you.

Quote:
“When you trust in yourself, you are trusting in the same wisdom that created you.”

-W. Dyer

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