I haven't made a thread here in a loooong time.. I've made so much progress I feel it'd be unfair not to share it in order to give inspiration to others whilst being a testament to this mindset.
My apologies for not posting sooner.. But a lot of you guys here over-complicate your issues. To truly solidify your mindset, you have to take a break from the web and get your ass out there in the field while truly and honestly delving into your own mind. Which I did, and the benefits are amazing.
Brace yourselves, this is going to be quite a length post.
Unfortunately, my mother passed away back in August. Initially, I was a mess. I spent a month and some weeks in a black hole lost, not really knowing what to do with myself. I began drinking, though not heavily, it was still a lot for me being that I barely drank. I also began smoking pot, heavily! My then roommate happened to be a huge pot head so I had easy access to it at all times. So, that's what my life consisted of. Getting off work around 6 PM and intoxicating myself. Only to wake up and do it all over again. Every day.
That was until, out of nowhere, I decided you know what? I have two options. I can continue to numb myself with intoxicants and choose to use tunnel vision and view only the negative of this experience.... OR, I can drop the intoxicants, face whatever it is I'm feeling, and see the positive. Most people would say, what positive is there to be seen in such a tragedy? But you guys aren't most people.... I chose the second option as any rational individual would. So, I completely dropped the liquor and pot to begin breaking down my own mind.
The only real attachment I've ever had was in that woman. It wasn't always a healthy attachment though. Sometimes it felt as though it was a relationship based on her needs as if I was the parent and she was the child. Most of the time, it was. Her needs weren't met as a child, so she compensated by making her children cater to hers. Which I did for a while, in fear of her returning to her alcoholic past which she would use to her advantage at times in order to guilt trip me back into catering her to her needs, or else. Frequently.
I lived with her for three years. In that time frame, I tried lending her a nonjudgmental ear. Didn't work. I had recommended to her books and other tools to express my genuine concern to help her. Didn't work. She was stuck in her ways. I, at this point, was emotionally and mentally drained. I was done being guilt ridden, I started to wake up. She was by no means a bad woman, just a damaged one who didn't realize she was the only person that could fulfill her own needs. I realized I had still been looking at this part of my through my childhood lenses.
After finally realizing that after three years, I knew it was necessary for me to move into my own place and distance myself, which I did, though not completely withdrawing from her. I would visit her frequently, we would chit chat and enjoy each other's company.... But, I never stayed long enough to get pulled back in. I shot down her every offer of financial support to avoid being reeled back into that vicious cycle. I had closed that chapter. Sometime later, unfortunately, she fell back into her old ways and began a downward spiral.
With her death, I had realized that most of my depression at the time had stemmed from my own guilt. My own guilt from my old ways of thinking that I had to be the one to save her. When in reality, it's no one's job to save anyone. No one can. You must fulfill your own needs. Realizing that, I was able to shape the fuck back up and get my life in order. Does that guilt still try and sneak up on me from time to time? Yes. Do I give it the time of day? No, I nip it right in the bud. Whatever I feel now about it, is just genuine loss.
I also began accepting my place in society instead of trying to rebel against it which I had been doing for a while. I'm 21, don't really have much to show myself. I know I'm not at the top of the totem pole right now. I accepted that. I began thinking long term about my career path and started dedicating most of my time to it. When I wasn't working towards it, I was being my own best friend enjoying types of films and music that I do.
For some reason, this experience pushed me into a WHOLE NEW level of indifference. It truly solidified my mindset. I really didn't give a shit anymore. Genuinely. If people wanted to stay in my life or leave, either or was fine with me. I was comfortable with both regardless of how much I liked their company. I loved not only my company more than anything else, but myself as well. I began to accept any and all emotions and thoughts, and just let them be. Even the bad ones. I treated them like disruptive children. If you try and stop a child from being disruptive, 9/10 what are they going to do? Become even more disruptive seeing all of the attention you're paying it. What if you accept their current state and just let them be? Eventually, they're gonna tire themselves out.
Now, I knew I had reached a new level of indifference. Mainly by my own observation of myself. I had seen people's behavior towards me change, particularly women's. They had a different respect for me I noticed. When I really noticed that something major had shifted in me was my recent move back to Las Vegas. I shit you not, I damn near doubled the number of women I've fucked in my life. Mainly Hispanic women, which I've noticed happens to be my demographic even though I'm biracial, black and white. They truly love me out here. Whereas where I lived before mainly consisted of black and white women. I seemed to be too black for white women, and too white for black women.
It's pretty funny looking at my life, I have barely anything to show myself financially and I have a soccer team of women. Whereas my older brother whom drives a charger and makes close to 90K a year doesn't really have the dating life he'd like to. It's crazy.
Anyhoo, that's it for now guys. Just a brief update... Any questions just shoot, peace.
![[ img ]](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/049/164/Bravo_Bravo.gif)
