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 Post subject: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:20 am 
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I am so very cold and distant. Almost isolated from the rest of society in some way. In many ways, this helps me succeed, but I never truly succeed.

How can one enjoy success if he doesn't allow himself to feel joy?

Don't get me wrong, I am not some empty human being who does not experience life and does not have fun or feel happiness. I have had some incredible highs thus far in my 19 years of life. The thing is, my general distance from others does not allow me to fully enjoy myself.

The times that I am having the time of my life are always finite and are always followed by times of extreme sadness, emptiness, lack of passion. It's almost like I live so hard that I must go through a period of borderline depression in order to rejuvenate my emotions.

I know the present cause of all of this. I am not allowing myself to feel all that I feel objectively. I am either repressing my emotions, or I am letting my past contaminate my present emotions. It is immobilizing and undoubtedly holding me back. I just don't know why things can be going so great and then just come crashing down. I've talked about this before, but it's like I make 5 steps forward, and then before I know it I'm right back to where I started.

Demons that I thought I had understood and accepted will suddenly come back to haunt me, mercilessly. In every instance, there has been a trigger. I can't put my finger on it, but I know all it takes is one event to pull me into this state. Conversely, there is always some sort of trigger that takes me out of that slump (usually this website).

If I had to make a hypothesis, I would say the trigger is some over exaggeration of an event with a woman or group of friends. This event is probably a misconstrued perception of rejection that triggers my early subconscious memories of my dismissive mother. My mom was a drunk and raised my brother and I by herself, no doubt I am going to suffer lash back from my somewhat traumatic childhood.

I've been reading up on it and I am fairly certain I have exhibit avoidant attachment behaviors. Another term for this is the "lost child" role of dysfunctional family dynamics. I am not ashamed of this at all, yet I do want to make it better. I am doing myself a disservice as well as others because I am emotionally sick.

These types of problems are multigenerational. My mother was most likely dismissive towards baby-me because she was treated similarly as a child. Obviously there is a cause for her alcoholism and insecurity, despite the fact that she is a very beautiful woman - she should have all the confidence in the world.

That being said, I can spend all the time in the world feeling sorry for my mother and myself, but I don't want to do that. I want to break the cycle. I want to lead a fulfilling life across the board. I don't want to run from my problems and turn to coping mechanisms that I formed as a pre-pubescent child.

I just don't know how, nor am I in the right environment. I'm in college, it is tougher than usual to find people to become intimate with. However, I am not saying I want a relationship or someone else to fill this "void" inside of me. What I really want is more practice getting intimate, being vulnerable. I choose to be cold and distant because that is my comfort zone. That is what I am used to. It is weird because I am not always like this; I have shown the capability for intimacy and vulnerability, but for whatever reason, I sink into my shell when the going gets tough.

I think one part of it is pushups. Literally, physical pushups. My life has been so devoid of physical activity, I'm lucky that I'm young and can still retain some muscle mass or else I'd be a frail boy. I think I'll figure it out, I mean I have in the past so I am not worried. I just want to do it better this time, and better yet every subsequent time until I get to the point where the lows are not so low anymore.


So what do you guys say, any of you ever feel like cold motherfuckers? And when I say cold, I am talking more of the aloof-cold vs. the indifferent-cold. When people say you are cold when you are indifferent, they are just trying to get your attention, trying to test to see if you're the real deal. When you're aloof-cold, people will look at you and intuitively know there is something deep down that is troubling you.

If so, how did you break through the demons of dysfunctional childhood? How do you get those demons fully on you're team? How do you become comfortable with all that is you, present and past?

I feel like past me is always checking present me when things are getting good. :|


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:34 am 
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JDogg wrote:
How do you become comfortable with all that is you, present and past?
Clue:

"One minute I want this, and the next minute that."

I am amused, when I'm flailing around like a madman. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 5:58 am 
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Posts: 104
Quote:
Clue:

"One minute I want this, and the next minute that."

I am amused, when I'm flailing around like a madman. :lol:

So let go of how I want things to be, accept how they are, and give myself what I need.

I guess that acceptance thing is what I'm hung up on. Furthermore, it's hard to give myself what I need when I'm so focused on the things I don't have (and can't change for that matter).

My struggle is like this:

The things I have not come to terms with are either completely out of mind or they are completely consuming my mind, i.e. "I can't change that stuff, so it doesn't matter. I'm just going to forget about it". This is me repressing such memories and the emotions associated with them.

The opposite of this is the state I'm in now, i.e. not being able to go 20 minutes without thinking about the bad memories.

I believe this is why I can have such a stark contrast between the good times and the bad times.

In the past, when I think I have resolved my problems, really I am sweeping them under the rug only to resurface at a later time. <-- Not exactly a solution.

I feel like I need to put myself in a profound situation, waaaay out of my comfort zone, in order to get over this.

Back to the drawing board it is.


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 6:19 am 
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Imagine you have a wound that is re-opening, or a broken leg. How important is it to analyze and hypothesize what might have actually caused it?

"If I only I could figure out *exactly when* this happened.. and why.. I've read a lot about leg bones and here is what I've pieced together.."

No, you address the wound immediately, get it disinfected and in a cast or whatever. The analogy sounds silly with an external wound - but we have basically been taught to think that emotional wounds/patterns somehow give a shit if you 'solve' them. We also tend to think of them as less urgent, when they can in fact be inhibiting your life more than a broken leg.. it's just all a bit more subtle (until its not anymore).

Just like a physical wound-- in its present form, right here, right now, contains the information needed to address it.

The addressing part of the equation can suck, it could mean surgery, resetting the bone, who knows.. stuff that might hurt, be counter intuitive, etc. Usually the thing that initiates the healing hurts like hell, it usually only doesn't, if it actually would hurt so much that they drug you to help it be manageable.

The equivalent of that internally always starts with feeling more deeply into what is going on. FEELING into it, not thinking it. Actually, all of the thinking and analyzing is a defense to keep you away from stepping into that fire, pouring alcohol on the wound, because that's natural.
Quote:
What I really want is more practice getting intimate, being vulnerable. I choose to be cold and distant because that is my comfort zone. That is what I am used to.
This too starts with yourself. Directly relates to the above. Analysis and solving is a type of cold distance. Imagine a young child just experienced or witnessed something that shocked it and it is visibly shaken and crying and upset. Would you stand aloofly from it and say "yeah well you probably have some aversion to car accidents because of some past stuff so you should probably get over that, you know, somehow, just toughen up or whatever."

So don't treat yourself that way either. It has nothing to do with wallowing in your emotions. It is about dropping all the bs and stepping directly into the feelings themselves, instead of peripherally analyzing them. Remember there is built in resistance to this, and analysis/being in your head is one of the best traps. The people who run in circles and make no progress with inner work are usually just sitting and thinking about shit, giving themselves the illusion that this is any different than thinking about putting salt on the wound, doing pushups etc. vs doing them.

It is missed because it is too close. Feeling without analysis, processing emotion without your attention immediately becoming obsessed with the memories and thoughts that come up, IS way outside the comfort zone.

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:10 am 
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I evaluated my childhood, which could be construed as traumatic. As I gain more perspective I remove the elements of thinking that don't serve me. It is good to be icy and never vulnerable, I might feign vulnerability if it is useful. If I do feel it I conceal it.

We are isolated from society, idk about you but I have very little in common with most people. I just let go and do what I want. You can have people that you know but they take a lot of energy to maintain. I have a few close friends, that bring value to the table.

I use my emotions and logic interchangeably when working through internal problems. One does not impede the other.

I use my past to my advantage, it has allowed me to restructure my mind. Stop seeing yourself as a person with a victim past and start seeing yourself as a badass. You have scars? Great, that means your tougher than the next person and have the mental resilience to do what they cannot. Like Wolverine...regenerating.

Life would be boring if we died without a few scars anyways.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:31 am 
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Altair wrote:

Life would be boring if we died without a few scars anyways.
tank treads and stretch marks! :lol: Wile E C

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 9:28 pm 
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I somehow "released" most of the depressive dark feelings and thoughts that I had some time ago, they were persistently there pretty much 24/7 and at one point I had enough of them, so I sat in my chairs and tried to figure out by asking myself "What am I trying to protect myself from ?" and "What am I trying to get by this ?".
I used al kinds of variations, I tried to get to the core of the fear I had I think (It's insanely hard to try to remember all of this) and tried to most accurately word it, I used all kinds of variations - Getting attention, protecting from getting hurt etc
At one point I felt like a stone in my stomach moved, then moved upwards throrough my body, my body vibrated and I felt different
From that point I didn't feel those dark depressive thoughts

I also had anger problems - Infinite anger generator - I was drawing like a month ago and I got pissed so much I could hardly contain my anger. I watched voice dialogue videos and decided to try talking to my "anger self".
I don't remember what I exactly asked it - I somehow told it it's ok to be angry I think and and I asked it what does it want. Somehow it told me something I don't remember now and it diminished.
I still get angry at things (my slow pc for example) but there is not the underlying emotion behind the fear that was "serious" and "intense".

Damn, why are all these things so hard to remember ?

Btw I agree with you flow but, man, analyzing and "going after it" was more efficient that just "being with it" so far


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2014 10:51 pm 
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Yeah, you definitely need both an active type of inquiry and the ability to feel what comes up without running from it -- they work in tandem and eventually there isn't much separation between the two any more. It is the yin/yang of inner work. There is no real war or division between mind/analysis/emotions, it's only when you are stuck in one, using it as an avoidance mechanism. You often have no idea you are doing it.

We all know people who are "in their feelings" all of the time and desperately need some detachment and logic/analysis.

Or people who can tell you an epically detailed story about every trauma/trigger/detail of their life and basically write a therapy thesis on themselves but have not actually gotten anywhere with it, because it's just collecting data without DOING anything with it.

Just using the right tools for the right job. It's a balance and is like bike riding, the best way to learn is keep getting on the bike. It's hard to articulate what you are actually doing.. two people might say 'analyzed' but one is very engaged on all levels of the nervous system while the other is just connecting thoughts endlessly. The post was definitely directed at what I was picking up from JDogg's post specifically and what I think is going on there , vs. a macro rule.

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 9:15 pm 
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Ya Flow I believe you hit spot on with what I am going through. But Fufe, you're also right, at first I thought Flow was saying that JUST feeling what I feel is the way to get through it.

Essentially, I think the analysis part is imperative because it allows one to gain an objective understanding of their situation; it sheds light on the source of the emotions.

That being said, emotions are still emotions regardless of where they came from. If one does not give himself the mental space to let the emotions in and flow (so thaaat's where you're name came from :D ) freely, then these emotions will never pass. Also, it's easy to fall into the victim mentality when one is so focused on the circumstances of hardships.

At the end of the day, life is hard. We all go through hardships and it's not so much about what someone went through, or what they are feeling as a result of this event - really, what should matter to yourself and what does matter to others is how one channels his emotions.

I think that is what is meant by having your demons on your team. All that angst, anger, sadness...whatever. If you can channel or release that emotional energy through positive mediums, like bettering yourself, then you will live a much more satisfying life and people will take note of this.


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 9:51 pm 
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While making yourself feel good about shit you're going through internally/externally is nice, point is that you should go and try some inner work practices. Be it something from the allowing side or inquiry side, whatever, try all of those you are attracted to


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 10:23 pm 
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Such excellent posts Flow. Helped me as well with some confusion I was having.

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 2:40 am 
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I'm definitely guilty of leaning on my logic more than emotion. I don't particularly like my feelings to be honest. They're usually a liability. :geek:

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Wed Nov 05, 2014 3:21 am 
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Altair wrote:
I'm definitely guilty of leaning on my logic more than emotion. I don't particularly like my feelings to be honest. They're usually a liability. :geek:
Haha we've all been bit in the ass by them plenty of times. Some things are best reserved for when it's just you in your own company to deal with, and when you're out in the real world so to speak, gotta just use whatever means is at your disposal to keep it together and things in check. It just becomes very tiring after a while if it is something you have to actively maintain.

Emotions and thoughts (can go either way here) can be like a type of sonar. They only really influence our behavior and take control if there is something for them to hook onto, and you can often observe when this happens. Some particular emotion comes up and then it activates a whole familiar pattern of thinking and you spin out.. or vice versa with thoughts/emotions.

The more clean the pipes are, they really do just pass through. There's nothing for them to stick to. You don't even have to proactively 'detach' at this point because they are not infiltrating you. The anger that just popped up and moved through was as relevant to your overall state as a certain cloud in the sky. Like the cloud there's often less opinion about them one way or the other.

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:41 pm 
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I'd suggest balance. An imbalance of logic/analytical thinking over emotional/feeling can be as detrimental as the opposite.
Quote:
"What am I trying to protect myself from ?"
That's a really good question fufe, because it's so simple. I guess that's the point - aiming for simplicity and not overcooking it all.


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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 7:28 pm 
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I struggle with this as well and spend more time alone than I would like so I signed up for some foreign language classes, started doing martial arts and planning on playing some poker in a league nearby. Whatever your interests are there is probably some group you can join and invest in yourself while also being social. I feel most people under emphasize the importance that other people play in whether we succeed or fail in certain endeavors (which is why this forum is great, love you guys).

My coldness is from not wanting to open myself or be vulnerable. Probably a basic fear of what other people will think. It's something for me to work on, to see other people as an extension of myself and let go of that which I can not control (what they think). I don't think running from things (figuratively) is indifference towards those things.

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 Post subject: Re: I'm so COLD
PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:37 pm 
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+1 to FLow83's posts as well as analogies!

Logic/analysis can bring deeper emotions out.
Once they are OUT, the logic should be dropped and a move into the feeling is usually what is needed.
Easy to type-out, can be difficult to exercise.

Flow83 wrote:
Or people who can tell you an epically detailed story about every trauma/trigger/detail of their life and basically write a therapy thesis on themselves but have not actually gotten anywhere with it, because it's just collecting data without DOING anything with it.
I've been there for a long time.

JDogg wrote:
What I really want is more practice getting intimate, being vulnerable.
Get intimate and vulnerable with yourself.


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