Some of you might have seen my post in the TEDx porn topic about me repairing the relationship with my mother, which has been huge. Along with that, there are a lot of things that have been heading in the right direction - mainly related to my perception of myself, neediness and noticing/allowing/making room for the pain and other negative emotions that needed to be felt.
I have also met a girl. While she is in a relationship (which evokes plenty of feelings of guilt in me due to childhood experiences of seeing my mom cheat on my dad), I have never felt a connection like that with another person. I'll get into what that connection was later, as I now see it more clearly after taking MDMA.
I took it after a really pleasant day - chilled out at home, contemplating the last night that I went out and spent time with said girl, then went to play 3 on 3 street soccer in the rain for 3 hours. At 100% with really even teams. Competitiveness is something that's been missing from my life, as I hate to lose but have also been trying to surpress that ("Don't be egotistical, people won't like you "bossing them around" on the pitch/field/court Moose, be enlightened"). So letting it out and just going balls to the wall, taking a hot shower and having a nice dinner before tripping really lead to a pleasant state.
The people who were with me was also important. They're both 2 dudes that are on similar paths of acceptance and truth. They gave me all the space in the world and really listened to what I was experiencing, which was huge.
When it hit, I had a huge insight that just showed itself in various other problems throughout my life. The one thing binding a lot of the things I didn't want to let go, so to say.
The insight? My whole life, and my entire existence, has consisted of an inner conflict that I didn't know how to resolve. I've always felt "different" from the rest, like I was operating on a different frequency. And I have always tried to "align my frequency" with the others. I saw it in terms of a musical note - like people were all a Dsharp, and I was an F flat that just sounded wrong.
Doing so, however, meant repressing and pushing down my true nature. So here we have fear of not being accepted, a feeling of "being wrong", yet anger at myself for suppressing myself. I recited the "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" poem, which was extremely powerful.
Yet there is nothing to fear. Everybody is on a different frequency, which is what makes this shit all so fun. We're making music, not trying to be pitch perfect and carry the same tune. Comfortable, but it means absolutely nothing.
I also often felt uncomfortable with other people's "frequencies". The strangeness of it made me defensive and I closed down. I now see that it's safe, alright and enriching to be open to this. If somebody just isn't compatible, there is no obligation to keep them around. But I have to hear and experience them first.
I've also realized why I felt so strongly about that girl. The first reason was me being able to "play my note" without needing to think of how to alter it to suit her needs. Simply put, I have a strong feeling that our true nature peels back layer upon layer of bullshit when together. The neediness I felt was my residual fear of that ceasing to be, and me being "out of pitch with the world" once again.
So yeah, MDMA is amazing. I've had plenty of insights and realizations, but this was an emotional understanding of a conflict I knew but never really recognized in me. 10/10, would recommend and will do again (just about to tripsit one of the friends that was there yesterday, excited to see things from a sober perspective).
Take it easy, man. But take it.