[this is the continuation of a free-write I just had]
I was just free-writing to clear some space for myself and vent out somethings. I needed to do so, because recently I decided to abstain from sex, porn and masturbation.
I had my first big craving after work tonight, working in the night life scene my desires are pulled out more so than other places. I came home and decided to write!
While writing I took a second to look within and be present with the feeling(s) that were present.
I had a moment of space and then this was shown to me immediately:
"I want to be loved".
This statement has so much weight behind it!
At this moment my pursuit for pussy is not for pussy...
My lust for sex is not for sex...
It's all a desire to be loved!
[what I'm about to write are NOT excuses, but the reasoning for why I see myself running this way at the current moment]
I know why I look outwards:
(1) I don't currently love myself unconditionally; much of the opposite...my love for myself is conditional
(2) The upbringing from my mother has caused and/or persuaded my habit of looking outward to be loved. Growing up she engulfed me with her love. It felt almost suffocating at times!
My theory behind why she was and is this way is because she truly is not at peace with herself and does not love herself...possibly quite the opposite, she may be her own worst critic. So she did what she could and loved the next thing that was close to her, me. She began to love me so much that it allowed her space to love herself, because she had this other thing to love; me. Even more is this other thing loved her back which made her love herself even more. ( <-- I see this in relationships and I observed it first hand while in one )
There are many loose ends to my hypothesis, like how a mothers bond (love) between her child may feel like and make her act, and it is because of these loose ends that it is still a hypothesis.
I digress.
Waking up to the matrix and the manipulation I get angry sometimes, because what my mother labels as "love", I see as "selfish".
Anyways she suffocated me with her love when I was a small child. As a result I looked to be loved from the outside. I didn't get the space to feel my own love for myself very often. Instead I had a dire need to get her attention and affection. I remember clinging to my mothers leg often.
I was going to write down, "I didn't get the space to learn to love myself", but I felt that was incorrect. I don't believe we "learn" how to love ourselves. A dog doesn't learn to love itself. It understands to take care of itself and to survive; it's needs come first before others in a sensible way I assume. Then, I don't need to "learn" how to love myself, but only give myself space to let what's natural come out. (this is related to peregrinus signature; remove the inessentials to reveal the art).
I'm going to make a leap that resonates hard with me...this entire journey of mine, the journey of 7 years studying pickup and material to gain access to sex, was NEVER about sex. It was all about connecting with myself and loving myself!
Of course!
When a women would choose not to have sex with me, why would I be affected?
Because she was abstaining from giving me "love"!
She was not giving me the one thing that made me feel whole.
However, the opposite is if I love myself, then her staying or leaving has no affect on me.
Sex and relationships then take on a WHOLE NEW perspective shift.
Makes me think of when Kidd says he no longer needs relationships to function, he only wants them now.
I want to be loved....
Wow! I'm imagining right now how my life would be if I loved myself unconditionally!
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My main focus now is give myself space to unconditionally love myself and take care of myself!
I hope this write sparks something for others.
What a fucking trip!
