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 Post subject: Weirdest Contract Ever
PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 10:44 am 
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So, with my "girlfriend" (the girl from my Bday party I talked about) we specified the "contract".. Mind you, I wouldn't mind it all going just how it would without any contract, but she initiated.

She said she sees it as we are friends, who sleep together and can talk about things - I said that's pretty much how I see it.
We agreed on sexual exlusivity.

The weird part is.. She said she doesn't want "love", because she doesn't want drama.
I said that I agree on that, but without feelings it would feel somehow sterile.
She said feelings are ok, and that if she wouldn't feel anything towards me, the relationship wouldn't be as it is.

Then she said our relationship is pretty much about talking and sex.

Most men would probably be happy with this kind of relationship... But especially after the "it's only about sex and talking" I felt somehow.. Used. Also I felt like the relationship is absolutely empty, without charge and like somebody grabbed my soul and smashed it into a tiny bit.
I like the sex and everything... But after this I don't know how to behave really. It feels absolutely weird, forced and supressing.. I'm trying to figure out why do I feel so bad about this, because intellectually I should be ok with being it only about sex and talking... But I'm not

It feels like I'm broken because I can't have sex without emotions. I don't even feel excited about it anymore.

Thoughts ?


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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 2:00 pm 
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Yeah...you just accepted HER contract? Cart Blanche? No negotiation? :?

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but main point around these here parts is that we deal with women on OUR terms...not THEIRS. :ugeek:

That fucked up feeling? Yeah, that's your gut writhing in PAIN. :|

You guys are FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS...and I would 'revise the contract' to reflect that. :geek:

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 4:17 pm 
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I don't really need or want to fuck other women, so I'm fine with the exclusivity

I just have to deal with my feelings.. I don't think it's "love" I want, I was just fine being with it as it was untill that point.
I feel I havn't accepted that relationships are not about "love"

I told her she has to accept that I will be as I was untill that point.. She agreed

What else was there to negotiate ? (This is a honest question)


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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 5:06 pm 
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Well...that's the first thing I've read that tells me that you even had any say in it, you know. :geek:

Very well...just know that no one can tell you what to feel and what not to feel. So if you want to feel 'love' then go right on ahead...she just doesn't want drama, so don't give her any.

In my experiences tho...the ones that say that are the ones that fall in love the hardest...so watch out for that as well. ;)

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 5:43 pm 
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fufe wrote:
She said she sees it as we are friends, who sleep together and can talk about things - I said that's pretty much how I see it.
We agreed on sexual exlusivity.
If you are 'just' friends that sleep together.. Why exclusivity?

Ask yourself why she is asking for this?
fufe wrote:
The weird part is.. She said she doesn't want "love", because she doesn't want drama.
Oh my... watch out ;)
fufe wrote:
It feels like I'm broken because I can't have sex without emotions. I don't even feel excited about it anymore.

Thoughts ?
So, what is in it for you?

Being brutal, really, what is in it for you? given your above line.

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2014 8:11 pm 
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The Kidd!! wrote:
In my experiences tho...the ones that say that are the ones that fall in love the hardest...so watch out for that as well. ;)
peregrinus wrote:
fufe wrote:
She said she sees it as we are friends, who sleep together and can talk about things - I said that's pretty much how I see it.
We agreed on sexual exlusivity.
If you are 'just' friends that sleep together.. Why exclusivity?
Something smells fishy with this girl fufe. I thinking she's fronting her true feelings, maybe that's what turns her on/gets her going.

edit: spelling


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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2014 5:40 pm 
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The main problem is probably linked to one of my issues - Or maybe natural thing, I don't know.
I don't like anythin limited. Anything that is sort of "This is how it is, what will happen etc and nothing will ever change and nothing else that what has been said will happen."
This applies to jobs, relationships, anything... I can't do anything that misses somehow "the possibility of something unexpected and exciting happening" and stuff.
That's why I feel so bad about this relationship. She wanted to specify where it begins and where it ends.. And that pretty much destroyed all of my excitement and attraction

A relationship, where you don't have to talk shit about any contract, just letting it happen as it goes, like I said... This seems like a one sure way how to get rid of me romantically :lol:


I'm not sure if the question was about sex itself or the relationship Peregrinus, if just about sex, then I guess only physical pleasure

My main concern always is - This could be good and enjoyable, it's just my bullshit and me not allowing myself to do it. And then I spend all the time being hard on myself trying to get rid of it


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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2014 9:17 pm 
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fufe wrote:
"This is how it is, what will happen etc and nothing will ever change and nothing else that what has been said will happen."
Nothing in life works like this.

This mentality is NOT implicit, nor is it the point, of defining terms in any area of life.

Clarity is king- it requires cultivating self-knowledge and the confidence to convey it. I could give millions examples in the world around us where a strong sense of clarity trumps even quality.

If you have an aversion to clarity, to defining parameters and making decisions, it will be extremely difficult if not impossible to actually accomplish anything. Keeping everything nebulous and vague so that it always potential to be anything, means it can never actually become something.

This has nothing to do with being rigid. You must be able to vacillate between openness to anything and "this, not that, is what is happening now."

This is rooted in fear and your reaction to this particular situation (which by the way is not only not the weirdest relationship structure in the history of the world-- it is so common that it is a cliché with a term and movies about it) is just a symptom of something much more fundamental.

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2014 9:20 pm 
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Flow83 wrote:


If you have an aversion to clarity, to defining parameters and making decisions, it will be extremely difficult if not impossible to actually accomplish anything. Keeping everything nebulous and vague so that it always potential to be anything, means it can never actually become something.
My life in 3 lines
Well shit, what now


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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2014 10:00 pm 
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Well said Flow!

Clarity is a value. Again, it's a choice.

If you don´t know where you are going,
other people will decide it for you.

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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2014 11:07 pm 
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So... As planned I got to her place for a night... It actually went better than I felt it would - Not only the sex was pretty much the best I had (i didn't even climax but it was epic), but we also connected... It's a progress.

Thing is... I am still in conflict with the fact that I may not just be monogamous. It feels like I'm hurting the other person (Even when it's not true).

Btw, I started practicing walking slowly instead of rushing all the time - With friends too - I feel different for the past 3 days, could that have that big of an effect ? :lol:


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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2014 8:49 am 
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Jared wrote:
If you don´t know where you are going,
other people will decide it for you.

:ugeek: 8-)

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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 2:47 pm 
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So you agreed with her description of the relationship, yet feel your soul has been shattered into tiny pieces :lol:

The exclusivity thing is BS though - if you're friends with benefits then this shouldn't really be an acceptable deal, even if you don't want to sleep with other broads.


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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 10:18 pm 
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I'm not comfortable with friends with benefits with girl like this - The image of her fucking with some other guy makes my stomach get crushed and imploded like nothing else does
I told her I want to touch etc other girls, cuddling and stuff (Not easy to explain, but it's not common in community I'm in) and that she has to accept it, so she said she will.

Btw she had some herpes erruption on her face and inner side of her thighs (Not genitals tho) and asked if I have it or something. I never had herpes anywhere so I told her, also went to the doctor to ask for advice about this (Especially since girl before this one catched some herpes or something on her face too, so I was worried I may have some disease I'm transmitting to girls) and they told me I can't have anything that doesn't have any symptoms like they have lol.
So I asked her, if she had sex or kissed somebody else.. Also asked her that It could be from sharing a cigarete, glass, or sth. I heard of incidents of badly cleaned glasses in bars causing this.
She respnded with "Hmm, well thank you for seeing me that way" and no responses after that.. 3 days since, I'm not planning on texting her or anything, she seems to be playing the "I'm going to make him feel bad for this shit" card :lol:
(She also has final exams for something like her diploma (It's different here in EU) so she is streesed as fuck, may be cuz of that too)


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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 10:44 pm 
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I like how you avoided answering the questions fufe.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 11:07 pm 
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Fuck
I swear I was thinking about them but I forgot to post what I came up with
I will think about them more and post tommoro (sleepy)


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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 10:37 am 
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DOUBLEPOST GALORE
Quote:
If you are 'just' friends that sleep together.. Why exclusivity?

Ask yourself why she is asking for this?
She wants to stay in control ? Also, STDs (She said she doesn't like condoms, that it feels so plastic that she can buy herself a vibrator and it's the same)
I don't know why is she asking of this really - When I think about this an image of closed door (cold and dark feel comes from it) appears and I can't get through to see the answer.


WHAT IS IT FOR ME:
Actually the sex is excellent
Also when I'm with her it feels ok.. She also told me she likes being with me because it feels natural - I feel that halfly, not entirely tho
I don't actually mind seeing her only like once a month, I can fap and have shitload things to do
Her personality is one of the most pleasant for me, I don't know any girl with personality she has right now
Also, her mum cooks fabulously, so I can eat stuff when at their house
AlSO SHE HAS XBOX AND WE PLAY TEKKEN

The problem right now that I have is like... She constructed a barrier for herself and it doesn't allow me past it lol.. I can't describer this, it's an abstract feel


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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 11:29 am 
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fufe wrote:
Btw she had some herpes erruption on her face and inner side of her thighs (Not genitals tho) and asked if I have it or something. I never had herpes anywhere so I told her, also went to the doctor to ask for advice about this (Especially since girl before this one catched some herpes or something on her face too,

so I was worried I may have some disease I'm transmitting to girls) and they told me I can't have anything that doesn't have any symptoms like they have lol.
So, let me get this right.

You were worried that you might be giving it to them.

What about the risk of them giving it to you.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.


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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 12:30 pm 
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Yes that crossed my mind couple times too.
She's the first one I didn't use protection with - She slept only with 2 guys before me (I used my investigative network of women (my private CIA), it seems to be true).


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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2014 1:57 pm 
fufe wrote:
Yes that crossed my mind couple times too.
She's the first one I didn't use protection with - She slept only with 2 guys before me (I used my investigative network of women (my private CIA), it seems to be true).
Change your network to men. :geek:

You can't count on those women to be honest. Rofl, I wonder if she told the last guy she had only been with 2 guys before.

Note: I haven't read the whole thread. I just got anxious when I read that she DOESN'T WANT DRAMA :lol:

Edit: Oh damn, this woman has an STI too? :mrgreen:


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